I read in the newspaper this morning that there's a dire kilt shortage in the Scottish military. It's big news that the Scotish regiments in Afghanistan only have 320 kilts among men - which means that there's one skirt shared between 15 men.
As soon as I stopped laughing, I was quick to blame certain plaid-skirt-wearing competitive eaters and that gaggle of skanky Catholic school girls who ride the bus with me every day. Then I realized there's more to this issue than just an irregular displacement of traditional Celtic garments. I realized that the Scottish Army, just like the Canadian Army, is radically underequipped to patrol foreign conflict arenas.
A close friend of mine has served in the Canadian military for many years, so I'm no stranger to the trials and tribulations faced by our young men & women stationed overseas. Over the years, he has complained of inadequate weaponry, unsafe vehicles, substandard shelter, disgusting food, unbearable heat, incompetent leadership, bad communications, and a total lack of government support.
WELL AT LEAST YOU HAD SOME FUCKING PANTS, JOHN.
These poor Scottish lads are all breezy from the waist down. Well, all but 320 of them anyways. I mean, it's embarassing enough to show up at a fight wearing a skirt, nevermind charging the enemy in tighty whities. One would think the Scots would have cornered the global market on kiltery.
So I encourage you all to go to your closets in search of "gently used" plaid skirts and post them immediately to our Celtic brothers overseas. Every piece counts! Even old school uniforms from your 7 year-old daughter can be sewn together with someone else's kids' plaid scarf to make a bonny droog smile again. Mix it up -- support someone else's troops this holiday season!