Tuesday, January 9, 2007

The Golden Rocket awards

Award season is almost upon us and so begins another year of my excruciating love/hate relationship with awards shows. I'll try not to bore you with a rant about how fucked-up I think these shows are. The idea of further rewarding celebrity assholes above and beyond the millions they already get paid for playing make-believe is PURE INSANITY, but that's not my focus here.

What I love about awards shows: the awesome fashion, and more importantly, the awesome fashion disasters; making fun of famous people (yes, it does make me feel superior. Is there a problem?); the heady anticipation that someone will drop the F-bomb, flash a tit, or envoke Satan during a live broadcast.

What I hate about awards shows: everything else.

We all know that these events are really just a PR vehicle for the entertainment industry to sell more product. It's a crying shame it's come to this, because there are plenty of real moments of entertainment pleasure that certain artists should be honoured for, but will never be. Maybe it's because they aren't popular enough, or pretty enough, or PC enough.

So before I hurl offensive insults at my TV this weekend, I'd like to honour all the people that greatly entertained me in 2006 with my first annual GOLDEN ROCKET AWARDS, a guilded rocket cocktail shaker given in recognition of the outstanding entertainment that amused Katrocket's brain.

Films of the Year
Borat- Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan It cost me $12 to laugh my ass off for 90 minutes. THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT VALUE. Give that man a Golden Rocket Shaker and a spa giftbag!

Honourable mentions: Little Miss Sunshine; Casino Royale; Thank You for Smoking; Children of Men

Documentary of the Year : An Inconvenient Truth Scarier than Saw III, I kid you not.

Best TV:
Heroes (best new show)
Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
House M.D.
The Mercer Report
Daily Show/Colbert Report
Robot Chicken
CSI (original Vegas series)
The Office
Arrested Development (R.I.P.)

Favourite CDs: Thom Yorke The Eraser; Madonna Confessions on a Dance Floor (yes, a Madonna album, but seriously, it's disco-licious!)

Funniest thing I saw on YouTube in 2006:

Blogs of the Year: at risk of offending/alienating the 6 people who read this blog... Steakbellie (for overall hi-frequency/hi-quality posts); Go Fug Yourself (for fashion comedy); The Nonist (for design & content); Phlog (for awesome gayness); Gallery Crawl (for tireless, but thankless, coverage of the local art scene). Honourable mentions to the blogs I read regularly -- I won't list them all because the links are in the sidebar to the left. Thank you all for entertaining me with your wit and wisdom each & every month. Please pick up your Golden Rocket shaker at the coatcheck.

Word of the year: PARTISTE [pahr-teest'] - A practitioner of the fine art of party. Word origin credited to the Beever.

Thrilling Sports Moment: Micheal Schumacher's final race - Brazilian GP. Before retiring as the most winning driver in motorsport history, Schumi races his Ferrari off, but cannot make up for the huge point deficit in the championship to beat Fernando Alonso. Renault's swarthy little Spaniard wins the 2006 championship, but Schumi wins my heart.

Best "FUCK YOU ALL": Daniel Craig's 007 in Casino Royale. The movie may have been a bit of a yawner after the first hour, but most agreed that Craig's Bond totally rocked, including all the critics who damned the short, blond, unknown actor a full 18 months before the movie ever hit the theatres. Good on you, Daniel Craig. Enjoy your moment of gloating and your Golden Rocket Shaker (not stirred). It also gives me another happy opportunity to post this, my favourite image of 2006.

MediaManipulation Triumph: UK urban artist Banksy, for this stunt.

Best Outing of the Obvious: Clay Aiken. Clayken, it's okay to love Jesus and be gay. Fine, most Jesus-lovers disagree, but they're probably just jealous of your hair. You should have slapped that irritating Kelly Ripa when you had the chance.

The 2006 Time Capsule: Brangelina, TomKat, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, the Beckhams, and Beyonce should all be crammed into a stone box and buried for 100 years. Go directly to hell - do not pass GO, do not collect Golden Rocket Shaker.


Chris said...

I still gotta see "Borat."

steakbellie said...

do I get to make a speech?????

katrocket said...

Chris - Borat won't be everyone's cup of tea but I sure found it entertaining.

S'Bellie - have'atter! Keep it under 45 seconds or the orchestra will play you out.

ArtieLange said...

The Golden Rocket Awards will be on my "Best of 2007" that is for certain (except for the fact I may not write them). Dick in the Box made my tops of 2006, too. Why can't Steakbellie do something funny like that?

BTW, Kat, who are you wearing?

katrocket said...

Artie: I'm glad you stepped up to ask the all-important style question...

in my dreams: Daniel Craig
the very unfortunate reality: Jaclyn Smith

aaron said...

I'd like to thank the makers of Jagermeister for helping me forget - my camera for helping me remember - Cobie for all of those Saturday/Sunday morning hangover discussions - my mom - the state of Florida for being so fucked-up that I never ran out of fodder or photos of chickens - the guys that made the check spelling add on for Firefox - and you, my fans, *gets misty eyed* all 12 of you.

jaime morrison said...

Kat, sorry I'm late to the party.

Thanks for the award! Only recognition I've ever gotten in this thankless web world. Much appreciated!