Tuesday, June 26, 2007

the Big Tease

There are some among you who may be aware of my avid interest in Formula One racing. I'm the kind of gal who gets excited about engines, downforce adjustments, and tyre rules. Throughout the F1 season from May to October, I will voluntarily rise at 3 am on a Sunday just to watch cars qualify on a circuit overseas. I do stop short at face-painting, flag-waving, and team jersey/hat wearing. I may be a lot of things, people, but Eurotrash is not one of them.

As a Ferrari supporter, my life has been dark and dreary since Michael Schumacher retired from the sport in October 2006. He was the most winning driver in the history of motorsport, but was known as much for his arrogance, his catty comments about other drivers, and his occasional bad behaviour. He was a big part of what made F1 so much fun to watch. It was like Melrose Place with WAY better looking men.

The 2007 season has been less than stellar in my opinion. The sad departure of big-mouths like Schumacher and Jacques Villeneuve left a gaping hole of nice guys who thank their dads and talk about how nice everyone on their team is. If I wanted to enjoy the banality of generous sportsmanship, I'd watch golf.

So imagine my EXCITEMENT when rumours began to surface that Schumacher could return to Ferrari. Yes, he remains part of the team as CEO Jean Todt's assistant, but nothing more. Then last weekend, he got back into the car for a test drive/photo op at Ferrari's anniversary event in Fiorano. I knew it was a seed of hope that would never sprout, but in my dream, he snatches the keys from Kimi Raikkonen and says "Give me back my car, bitch!" and drives Ferrari to another Constructor's Championship.

So thanks GPupdate.net, for using a necksnapping headline like "Schumi enjoys comeback in Ferrari F1 car" to make me jump out of my desk at work, flail my arms around and shout "YES!!!!!!" for all to hear. You're a bunch of Dreamcrushers, and I don't like you very much right now.

12 comments:

pistols at dawn said...

I'm not a fan of car drivin', but I like women who have obsessions that will keep them away from me (or at the very least, distracted) for hours on end.

Also, Doug Savage called me in tears over your cruel, unwarranted second paragraph. I presume that Andrew Shue hasn't read it yet due to his intense press commitments promoting that girl soccer movie he was just in, but that call will be coming soon too, along with the sad realization that I knew both of those guys were on Melrose Place (as Gay Guy and Billy, respectively) without looking it up. (Yes, Grant Show, I remembered you as well, but chose to selectively delete you out of spite for what your character did to Daphne Zuniga's brassy New York photographer "Jo.")

Thanks for reminding me of my problem, Kat.

katrocket said...

I'd like to take a moment to clarify that I only follow F1, and no other types of car drivin' (most especially that retarded NASCAR stuff). Each race only ties me up for 2 hours, which is more than I can say for any of the men in my recent dating history.

Give Billy & Matt my love. (Matt is the Gay Guy, played by Doug Savant, and stop pretending like you don't know his name.)

The Guv'ner said...

As someone who is unashamedly Euro Trash if only by birth, I know nothing about Formula One except that I once had a boyfriend who adored it and who would stay up to ungodly hours of the night to watch American races while making hot dogs and pretzels in a faux attempt to have a "cookout". However, I just wanted to say...Michael Schumacher? Didn't he once ride Steffi Graf? You know before Andre Agassi planted his demon seed there?

Bert Bananas said...

For my college Freshman English class I did a paper on Formula One racing. I used to sit in my classes and doodle formula one race tracks, with hair pins and S curves and short straight aways. This was back in the era of Jimmy Clark and Graham Hill. I remember watching them duel in the Grand Prix of Monaco one year.

When my cousin was in the army in Germany, he crushed my delicate spirit by telling me about renting race cars at the Neubergring and driving around the course half-drunk. He had no reverence.

Any other form of auto racing is an imitation of Formula One. It's not the real thing, even though people get killed...

I'm slightly embarrassed to have been somewhat serious in this comment. I hope the fact that I can be serious doesn't make me a marked man, especially not a Sharpie Marked man.

katrocket said...

Guv'ner: Really? He dated Steffi Graf? can't be - I think he was with ME at the time! ha.

Bert: Your serious comment is most appropriate, since I take F1 very seriously and agree that it's the only form of racing worth one's time.

When I was vacationing in Germany in 2004, I too went to Nurburgring for the driving experience, but the track was closed that day due to bad weather conditions. It's a bitter memory for me too, pal.

Snooze said...

I didn't know about this passion of yours. Fantastic! You may no longer want to know me though as I love the Indy 500.

pistols at dawn said...

Kat - Matt was indeed his name, though you can understand how I might have forgotten it due to his role on the show, which was "we really want to seem PC and have a gay character, but since we don't want to show him having a relationship or human traits other than 'listening to the bitchy women in the complex,' he'll essentially be doing his laundry offscreen for the entire series."

The void was filled by having Michael Mancini marry three women per year. (I believe he married Short Haired Blond Woman Who Kind Of Looked Like The Philips Chick From Wilson Philips (Jane?), Her Sister (?), and Kimberly - The Girl Who, Like, Blew Up His Hospital And Then He Ran Her Over With A Car.)

Melrose Place taught me all I know about love. That's how I know I've never inspired it in another - because no one's ever tried to run me over or blow up my place of employ. As a hopeless romantic, I keep on trying, often dating girls with increasingly lengthy rap sheets in an effort to increase my chances.

katrocket said...

Snooze: It's okay to love Indy 500. The drivers are still pretty cute there, so I won't judge you.

Pistols: I may not love you, but as your friend, I'd be happy to blow up your office, if it brings you joy. Of course it will...that annoying cubicle neighbour problem will be history!

Oh, that Michael. Such a dickhead. But psycho Kimberley was my all time fave. She put massive disfiguring head scars on the fashion map, and made hit & runs more popular than divorce!

pistols at dawn said...

I would like to note that the cubicle neighbor in question is so unpopular that there are teams of people complaining about him ending up wherever he keeps getting moved to. I'm not petty; he's a bother.

Leonesse said...

I suppose vehicular manslaughter is one way to choose your next spouse. It seemed to work for my hubby as his ex went through his motorcycle and into a block wall, nearly ending up in the pool in a quest to prove her love. Such devotion! Marriage lasted 1 year but the hell just keeps going on and on....

I can give you her number, Pistols. After the restraining orders are up on her current BF, though, just to make it more of a challenge for you.

pistols at dawn said...

Very kind of you. I have noticed, however, that I don't do well with a level playing field, or even anyone else in the field. It's why I joined Meals on Wheels: to find shut-ins who can't do any better. What are they going to do, leave their homes?

T said...

As a golfer I may be anal, but I'm not 'banal'. However, going only a certain direction on a pre-designed track over and over and over and over...

No offense, cuz I think dem cars kick ass, yep.