Monday, June 25, 2007

Happy Birthday Pistols at Dawn

Yesterday was Pistols' birthday, so Rocketradio would like to extend a birthday toast to its most prolific colour commentator. Yesterday was also Gay Pride Day in both Toronto and New York City (just a "coincidence", I'm sure), and I'm hungover from celebrating his Special Day with a million scantily clad, greased & glittered gay men -- the way Pistols would have wanted me to celebrate.

So I think this birthday post will be updated throughout the day as my brain emerges from its slumber and I begin to recall some lost bits of Pistols trivia to enhance your time-wasting experience...

8:45 am -- Pistols has a lot to say. He has at least 3 blogs where he writes multiple posts a day, and comments with high frequency on the blogs of others. There is no silencer available for this Pistol.

9:16 am -- Pistols loves Pistols. Anything he can do, he can do better. He can do anything better than him. Ask him about his layaway plan.

9:35 am -- Pistols dabbles in the lost art of pre-colonial facial hair grooming. He is a highly respected visionary in the field of lamb chop sideburns and unkempt beards. He claims that it helps to keep his following of sex-crazed women at a distance, but I have come to suspect it was really for his secret audition for Pirate Master.

11:23 am - Pistols has penned such unforgettable hits as "You're Not Pretty" and "Activist Girl". A total of 62 people have heard these songs, giving him a slight edge over K-Fed.

3:11 pm - Rocketradio's Worldeye spycam records evidence of Pistols' alternative "looking busy" technique at work. His primary method of "looking busy" is blogging/hanging out with disillusioned teens on MySpace.


pistols at dawn said...

Thank you, miss. I can't believe you found that file photo of me, as I made sure to shoot that highfalutin cameraman immediately after the film plate dried.

I would note that this year, my gay following really turned out, and I appreciate it greatly. Who knew I was like Margaret Cho - unfunny but loved passionately by the gays?

I write and comment a lot because I've run out of other ways to look busy in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. Oh, also because I think that the world needs more me to make it awesomer.

I still can't believe they didn't pick me for Pirate Master, given all my experience in piracy (actually, just watching a pirated version of Pirates of the Caribbean once). Thanks for bringing that wound up again.

katrocket said...

I thought that was a very flattering photo of you, and I was willing to risk my own death to share it with others.

I, too, am inconsolable that you were passed over for Pirate Master due to your obvious overqualifications, but I hear that a similar reality series is in the works, and So You Think You Can Steal My Booty sounds like a much better star vehicle for you.

pistols at dawn said...

If I can fight K-Fed in that vehicle, I am ready for it. After all, we've all seen the egregious things that happen to a once-fine-if-trashy booty once he plunders it.

T said...

Britney, lock, stock & barrel, -Argh!
If PAD ever gets to plunder something like that, I'll need pics or at least something posted at YouTube.

Happy birthday cap'n and may your (black) sails never set.

pistols at dawn said...

Damn it, now they'll figure out why I never say anything and stare at them for hours without blinking. What kind of a birthday gift is THAT?

Also, Kat, I'm sure you've already realized this, but it's incredibly difficult to write a tribute to me, considering the fact that I write about five tributes to me every day.

katrocket said...

I'm not in competition with you, Mr. Dawn. Nay, it's impossible to keep up with your frequent odes to autodevotion. I'm merely augmenting your daily affirmations of glory.... Think of it as a boobjob for your birthday. Your C-cup of self-love might be bodacious "as is", but why ever would you say no to a D?

Enjoy it while it lasts. I plan to ignore you the rest of the week.

Snooze said...

Oooh I loved the silencer comment.

pistols at dawn said...

Ignoring me for the rest of the week? That's only because we've never gone out. Those women ignore me the rest of my life, though to their credit, they do try to shorten that period by repeatedly attempting to murder me.

I'm still here, ladies.

Blank Field said...

My wife would pay good money to Sr. Pistolas if he could "...shorten that period..." Therein lies a consummation devotedly to be wished.

Leonesse said...

Now, Kat, you know you won't be able ignore PaD like that once he's a 'D'. He's gonna flaunt that fabulousness like it was 1999 for Bert's wifes sake and if you don't fill that narcissistic need he might up the ante to stalking you. Then you might have to move to a third world country to evade him. If it comes to that you give Bush long enough and you can just stay with me.

katrocket said...

Leonesse: It wouldn't be the first time I moved to a third world country because of a man. Bless you darlin', for having the kahunas to hide me in your attic. No worries: Rocket HQ has tagged PaD with a GPS unit that not only detects his exact location, but also whether or not he's got Cheetos with him. Because even the scariest stalker seems more attractive when he's got snacks.

pistols at dawn said...

Chee-tos? I don't respect hyphenated Americans, and I don't eat hyphenated snack treats.

Also, Fritos are "too latin" for my taste. Doritos and Funnyuns will do just fine, thank you.

katrocket said...

I had no idea you discriminated against certain snacks, but I stand corrected, Pictols.

We don't hypenate the Cheetos north of the border. Or maybe we do and I've never made a mental note about how it's spelled.

What are "Funnyuns"? Any snack with the word 'fun' in it must be toxicly satisfying.

katrocket said...

Sorry I called you 'Pictols', but sometimes I quiver when I type your name.

pistols at dawn said...

I suppose there is at least the chance that some of my relatives were Picts, or that gun-fearing Canadians can't even bring themselves to type "Pistols." Your explanation, of course, is far more preferable, even if it is like the Magic Bullet Theory - nice on paper, but ludicrous to believe.

After some quick research, it appears that we no longer hyphenate Cheetos here, either, meaning one thing: they've assimilated.

But I remember, and that's why I buy Andy Capp's Cheddar Fries instead - because I want to support that drunk, wife-beating soccer hooligan because he represents my core values.

Son of a bitch! Apparently, it's Funyuns, making me 0 for 2 in the spelling of snack chips which have assuredly hastened my demise. Regardless of their spelling, Funyuns are still fun, however, and are a delectable onion-flavored chip mostly popular with teenaged Dungeons & Dragons players (washed down with Mountain Dew, typically).

I have so much to teach the world about how to get fatter.

katrocket said...

hey, we do have a version of Funyuns, made by Old Dutch/Humpty Dumpty, with the very boring name: Sour Cream & Onion Rings. I don't generally buy their sub-par product offerings, but I've sampled the Onion Rings at parties. Not fun at all, I'm afraid.

pistols at dawn said...

If this isn't proof that Canada doesn't know how to party, or promote its parties, I don't know what is.