Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Secret

An acquaintance of mine recently gave me a DVD with the promise that it would change my life for the better. I was skeptical, of course. My life is already pretty darn good. And this DVD bore no resemblance to the handsome, well-hung, supergenius party-boy billionaire I knew would actually change my life for the better.

It was The Secret - a poorly disguised 60-minute how-to-get-rich-quick-by-doing-nothing informercial that "teaches the centuries-old secret to unlimited joy, health, money, relationships, love, youth: everything you have ever wanted."

"Wow!" I thought. Everything I have ever wanted? Man, I kinda want a lot of things. I also don't want a lot of things, like taxes and cancer and war and poverty. Can I learn the anti-Secrets too?

The Secret is: a bunch of people have discovered a way to make pantloads of money off the fears and worries of the lower and middle classes, through preaching "The Law of Attraction". This principle suggests that people's feelings and thoughts attract real events in the world into their daily lives. It essentially tells you that if your life really sucks, it's most definitely your own damn fault. But if you just buy this book or DVD, they will show you how to "ask for, believe in, and receive" good fortunes abound.

At first I found this stance a somewhat refreshing change the current trend in society: blame everyone else, especially your parents, because you're super special, so why take responsibility for your own actions? Accountability is fo' suckas!

But sorry folks, none of it adds up. At the age of 7, I asked for a pony. I believed everday with all my heart that my pony would miraculously show up on the front lawn. Thirty years later, still no fucking pony. The Secret People tell me that: a) I don't "truly desire" a pony; b) I don't "truly believe" that I'll ever have a pony; c) my negative thoughts about bus drivers and idiots who wear Crocs to work are blocking any and all possibility of my pony finding me in this horrible mixed-up world; and d) aren't you a little old to be asking for a pony?

The concept of self-visualization, or New Thought, is indeed ancient, but it's most certainly not "scientific" (no studies have ever been done on the Law of Attraction), and was never intended as a marketing tool to gain material wealth. It is simply the power of positive thinking, and any immediate fortune that comes from it is cosmic coincidence. I will concede that looking on the bright side never hurt anyone, even if it makes that positive thinker about 10 times more annoying than ever before. But I'm sorry - it won't deliver you a mansion, a hot sportscar, a supermodel bedmate, or that dream job as a tastemaster at an ice cream factory. Okay, maybe that's just my dream job.

I propose that the awesome power of negative thinking has awarded me a far more blissful existence. When you come to expect the very worst in life, you're usually pleasantly surprised at how well things turn out in the end. Besides, I'm already wealthy and successful, because I learned a very different Secret many years ago: by simply placing these teeny tiny classified ads ...

12 comments:

pistols at dawn said...

I believe that this is a crock of s - does that mean that it is? Can my being positive that this is hackneyed tripe actually will these people into shame and bankruptcy? Because I'm focusing on their misery right now with at least 10% of my brain (the other 90% is busy remembering McGyver's inventions).

If you want a secret to change your life, wish yourself rich, at Yale, and in the secret Skull & Bones society, because those folks seem to do all right with a minimum of talent, skill, or reasons to live.

katrocket said...

ha ha ha! Rocketradio thanks you for your generous misery prayer contribution. The lines are still open people. Let's see those phones light up!

Blank Field said...

The Law of Attraction DOES work, but you have to learn how to apply it. You can only want things you can have. So if you 'want' something but don't get it, it's because you can't have it. Nothing personal, it's just the way things are.

I wonder why there's no money being made on the Principle of Dis-Attraction? You have to 'know' that something or someone in your life is going to leave, and if you truly believe, it will happen. Like my youth, beauty and sexual prowess. I apparently didn't want hem anymore and now they're gone!

Blank Field said...

Oh! I forgot to mention that I'd like to two of you to come to my "Introduction to Amway" party later this month! I swear, it'll transform your life, but not like the movie.

katrocket said...

Bert: this Law of Disattraction interests me greatly. I already instinctively possess it around nice gentlemen, gainful employment and money, but how can I apply to other areas of my life, like squirrels and horny cab drivers?

And my word, Bert - you're right, I forgot that Amway has been using this positive visualization technique to drive sales since it's inception. Amway is more than meets the eyes, it's the Secret in disguise.

pistols at dawn said...

Amway and Mary Kay, and possibly other things that end in "ay," like "Thackeray" - they all knew the Secret.

What do you make of the fact that there's nothing more attractive than someone who doesn't want you? I mean, obviously, that's never happened to me, but some guy I know said it was due to their beliefs that she could do better.

T said...

Stay away from any DVD that promises to give you the secret to anything, -unless it begins with "Karma" and ends with "Sutra".

katrocket said...

I think you mean "Kama Sutra", though I love the idea of "Karma Sutra" even more. That would mean that all the mindblowing sex I've been dishing out will eventually come back to me someday, and just in time for my Cougar Years!

And to think my parents said nothing good would ever come from my whoring ways. Ha!

T said...

"Kama" - you're right, my (subconscious and impatient) mind sometimes gets in the way of my humor.

With all of that experience, you should be able to make your own DVD-for-Riches. -Hit your parents with that!

I'll be looking for "Katrocket To Love" behind the red curtain in my neighborhood video store soon and add to your revenues.

katrocket said...

It's a million dollar idea, T, but I don't think they're ready for this jelly.

Leonesse said...

I am seriously loving this Karma Sutra idea. I think you should run with it. It could be the new Secret. My dh's ex sent us that crap. It was never opened.

Pistols- Please catalog (or catalogue for Kat) those McGyver inventions. I only saw the show 2-3 times. I may need to know how to get out of a Turkish prison someday with a flip flop, tube of mascara and a baggie of Hash. I mean, you never know...

Bert- The list of things the Universe has decided I can't have must be freaking stupendous.

And for GOD'S SAKE someone please tell me how to fix my subconscious mind because I can certainly attract unwashed men wearing overalls and having no front teeth or pubescent boys that need ritalin and an empty bathroom and a Playboy. I am happily married and I would MUCH rather have some cash.
Bert, please write that book about Dis-Attraction. I need it for the aforementioned lot and Mormon missionaries.

Snooze said...

The day I read this post I had a coworker ranting about the exact same topic. I have to send him your post because you articulated it all so eloquently.