Friday, August 17, 2007

Let me say This about That

Some of you know I'm a kind of secular prude. Meaning me, Bert Bananas, guest blogger to the Stars.

I don't use profanity. I very rarely drop the F bomb in public. My wife knows I love the F bomb, but saving it for just between the two of us makes it very special. But I do use the F bomb, along with other gross and nasty words when I'm driving. I employ a zero tolerance position when I'm behind the wheel, and behind schedule.

My prudery prohibits me from discussing certain topics and giving voice to certain truths on my own blog. I know it's silly, but there it is. I know four of my kids read my blog (probably looking for evidence to use later at the commitment hearings). Maybe the fifth one reads it too, but is just too much of a prude to admit it?

So here goes one rant that I couldn't do on my blog: Religion, what's up with that?

It was gauche for Lenin (or was it Marx?) to label religion the opiate of the masses. Not only tres gauche, but also wildly incorrect. It's the F'ing caffeine of the masses! The Meth of the Masses, even! People go positively ape-shit over religion!

Last Saturday I stopped at Wal*Mart in the early morning to get a bag of ice for my cooler. It's tied down in the back of the van. I opened up the back of the van and was arranging my beverage containers so that the pouring of the ice would be effective for all the bottles. Suddenly I hear a voice.

It was a JW. (Jehovah's Witness) JayDubs now find it more effective to haunt parking lots than go door to door and have Big-T open the front door wearing only a lob wedge and a rose behind each ear.

After the carefree intro, he offers me his magazine, and pitches it as offering a cure for stress. Thus giving me the theme for that morning's sermon. Swear to Bobby Jones, this is very close to being word for word:

"Stress? You're representing a religion that wants to pitch being a relief from stress? Can't you see just how surreal you're being? Or rather, have been talked into being? The second greatest source of stress for modern man is religion. What's the first? I'm glad you asked. The greatest stress in a man's life is wondering when he's going to finally get laid, and then that's immediately followed by the stress of wondering when he's going to get laid again.

"And did you know that without religion, we might not have the stress of worrying about getting laid? Because maybe then people would all truly be brothers and sisters and not withhold sex, like it was some sacred prize. Maybe without religion around, single women would give it up if a guy who smelled clean and looked neat simply said please and thank you! It could happen!

"I got rid or religion, finally, and I'm am here to testify to you that, as no one is my witness, I have found the truth, and the truth has set me free. Now go and sin no more."

He wanted to babble about how religion had helped him, but I assured him he was mistaken, but that if he was happy hobbling along with that particular crutch, he should revel in that contentment and leave others to find their own ways.

I never had the chance to give him one of my Laztheist tracts. The latest one has a tremendous article in it, titled, "All the answers to the questions you're never going to ask." Like all the previous offerings from the Laztheist press, the pages are empty, but it comes with a four pack of crayolas.

I'm very serious about this. If religion has helped you, that's wonderful. But if you try to preach back that religion is good for the soul, I'm gonna have to rip you a new one. Isn't it the most sefl evident truth possible that if religion were good for mankind, after 6,000 years of it we'd be in a better place?

(Kat, does this count as 'blowing up the place'?)


T said...

First article of my church: "Accept the rub of the green." If you can accept that, only then will you understand life itself.


P.S. I don't always answer the door naked, -just on Sundays.

Leonesse said...

I understand Rev Bananas and I second your thoughts.

Now say 12 Hail T's because your religion prohibits talking about religion to religious people because it requires work. And isn't the primary goal of Lazthiesm the opposite of this?

Go, and sin no more.

pistols at dawn said...

I always consider religion to be overall a cosmic wash. For every 1,000 people who live a little more righteously, there are indulgences, crusades, and really gay hats.