Saturday, August 18, 2007

You're fired.

Donald Trump isn't the only heartless asshole who gets to use these words on occasion.

I'm sorry Mr. Bananas, I know you tried very hard, but I think maybe that's the problem: you tried a little too hard.

In just 24 hours, you've managed to piss me off slightly more than you usually do on your own blog. When you say weird things on your blog, it's funny! When you say them on Rocketradio, it's almost like I'm saying them, and that's a little creepy. So let's call the whole thing "a dynamic social experiment" and just leave it at that.

In case you're wondering "where did it all go so wrong for Mr. Bananas?", here's a timeline:

1) Thou shalt not impersonate me. EVER. Charging out of the gates pretending to be Katrocket will not win the approval of Management. That remark about ogling T while playing golf made me puke in my mouth a little (uh, no offense, T) and I would never think my favourite videos are lame. It's cool if other people (like you) think they're lame, but if you're going to play the game of impostery, at least try to stay in character. Yes, I know "impostery" isn't a word. Screw it, I make up words all the time.

2) NO ONE discusses religion on this blog, mister. Not even me. Making fun of religion is still allowed to a certain degree, so long as it's really funny. I did consider advising you of this ONE rule I have, but I thought "No, he would never discuss religion on a blog that is essentially not his own. Who would do that?" I might concede that JW isn't so much a "religion" as it is a "cult", but yes, this still qualifies as "blowing up the place".

3) Three posts in one day? I can't follow up that kind of posting frequency. Expectations will be raised, and we can't have that. Are you trying to make me look bad? Plus - there are other contributors here, friend. Did you think of letting anyone else get 8-words in edgewise? Help me Obi-Wan Caratzas, you're my only hope.

4) Attracting anonymous comments from online gamers looking for Pogo tokens? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh sure, it's all very innocent at first, but before you know it, there's a crude little IRC chat window running in the sidebar with 15 year old boys swapping cheat codes for Halo2. That was the last straw. I'm afraid if I let this trend continue for 2 more weeks, my inbox will be flooded with pics of nerds dressed as Romulans.

In closing, I would like to offer my deepest gratitude to Mr. Bananas for his contributions to Rocketradio, and may he impress his compadres with this Badge of Honour: the first guest of an adult content blog to be censored for objectionable material, and then tagged to memorialize the occasion.


T said...

Bert, as The Saint. So many faces, so many blogs to post...

Bert Bananas said...

This is only the second time in my life I've been fired. Which is not enough of a sampling for me to be able to say whether I could grow to like it or not.

My admiration for Kat has grown by an order of magnitude. I mean that. She could have removed the posts I put up and I would have taken it as the slap across the face that I deserved. But she left them up. Oh sure, my ass is a bright red (from the paddling, not because I am a baboon) but I'm very aware whose fault it is: mine.

Kat, I adore you more than ever. You're in my will now. Now if there was only a way. (You know, where there's a will, there's a way...)

And nothing will ever remove the entry on my CV: Guest Blogger to the Stars.

Leonesse said...

Did you have to have security walk him to the door?

katrocket said...

Bert: Of course I will leave the posts up! Variety is the spice of life, and bananas go well with spice, especially in banana nut loaf. Mmmmm. Thanks again for being so delicious and full of potassium.

Leonesse: I did walk Bert to the door, but I also helped him rob everyone's desks on the way out.

pistols at dawn said...

If I had the time to take five minutes from writing so many posts on my blogs, I imagine that I also would have been fired for similar reasons. Mostly because I would have felt obliged to talk about my recent conversion to Jesus Christ.

You know, at He Is Risen ministries, we're about more than just your typical God rap. And that's because we're actually an erectile dysfunction clinic.

We're not doctors per se, but if they've failed you or are too expensive, maybe Jesus and giving us some money can help you rise from the dead.

Jana said...

Boy are you tough!!! I admire your ability to both smack Bert and fire him at the same time! An ambidextrious woman is so admired by the men. Hope you don't come to miss Bert too much, though I think it was OVER the limits to assume your identity and speak for you. Only a ventriloquist with the hand up the venthole of a wooden dummy should speak for someone else.

The Guv'ner said...

GASP! Fight!!!!

I'm opening a book. Kat vs. Bert. My money's on Kat, quite frankly, because she won't resort to hitting with golf clubs. However, she does have the unfair advantage of the Celine Dion back catalog with which to murder any will Bert might have left.

katrocket said...

Pistols: Are you offering to give men erections in exchange for money? Because if so, this seems to be the start of a very gay week for you. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I just knew law school would change you. *sniff*

Jana: Bert knows I'm tough because I care. I love Mr. Bananas, and not just for his nutritional value, but I'm quite particular about whose hand is up my venthole.

katrocket said...

Oh Guv'ner - you know I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Unless you work retail or use public transit, then you're fucked.

T said...

Ultimate nightmare: Selling anything to bus-riding Canadians.

Blank Field said...

What are these vent holes and can you find them with both hands, in the dark?

pistols at dawn said...

I'm so worried about becoming conservative in school that I've decided to go gay just to literally stick it to the man.

Lucy Dee said...

So, I came over to your blog via an unwholesome one you left on mine. Turns out you're not too funny yourself--going for the old banana hanging joke. (That's tired!) I thought Canadians were supposed to have a history of a sense of humor--SCTV, Kids in the Hall... Hmmm. You're not holding up to the stereotype.

Grant Miller said...

God bless!

katrocket said...

Thank you for your visit, Lucy!

Boy, do you know how to handle a heckler like a true professional!

Getting angry at (and writing lame insults to) people who question your sense of humor isn't a stellar career move for "a comedienne". It's a hard truth you might have to face out there on stage (if you bomb), and it's clear you don't deal with criticism very well at all.

Maybe you could spin your bitter anger into a blog series?

Series 26: How to Shut Down a Heckler: "Tell her she's not a very good comedian! That'll show 'er!"

I have never proclaimed to be "a comedienne", because I'm not, although I'm thinking I could be, if you're the current competition out there.

I also have the courage to allow open comments such as yours on my blog, without censorship, because I welcome your criticism, no matter how sour the grapes. I will not sweep your comments under the rug, like you've done with mine, because I value and respect your opinion, Lucy. In fact, I'll get right to work on being as funny as a crappy old TV show that people vaguely remember from 15 years ago! Because stereotypes are waaay easier to make fun of, am I right?

I'm curious if you arrived at your scathing review of Rocketradio after reading only one post? It's certainly not my best, I'll admit that for sure. I assure you, I do have odd moments of brilliance and this post was not one of them. I read ALL of yours before making my comment, and even listened to your recordings. I tell ya, I REALLY WANTED to like you and make a new friend in the comedy business. I still like you, by the way. Your indignant response amused me greatly!

In closing, Lucy, I deeply regret that you were hurt by my personal opinion, and that you cannot find the courage within yourself to actually PUBLISH it for others to see, but I had hoped it would bring you to a higher level of self-awareness and acceptance.

Keep it real, sister, and best of luck to you in your career!

xo Katrocket

katrocket said...

OMG!!!! I can't beleive THE Grant Miller was here on my blog!!!! Oh God, Does my hair look okay????

Hi Grant, thanks for stopping in.

If you get a few minutes, please go show Lucy how to be funny.


Lucy Dee said...

katrocket, clearly you want to start a kat-fight...

You're so proud of your comment, I figured I'd just post it on your site:

I came here from Dale's blog, expecting some comedy, but I didn't realize you're mainly a theorist on the subject. What kind of material do you do in your act?

Please say something along the lines of "not this".

Clearly, you're a bigger and better blogger/comedienne than I, even after your long and arduous study of my material.

Cheers (from south of the border)

katrocket said...

dearest Lucy:

That comment wasn't meant for my blog, it was meant for yours. It was one of those "litmus tests" you like to talk about.

It was not my intention to start any fights, I was merely making a personal observation based on what you're putting out there for the public. I fully intended to be part of your future audience, depending on how you answered my question (hint: your answer wasn't very fucking funny).

Then you took it a little too seriously (cuz that's what comediennes do!) and came over here and stirred up a hornets nest. After that, I labelled the post "katfight", because I thought it was funny, but I do concede I might just be a terrible judge of what's funny.

Too bad no one there will ever get to read it. Imagine the discussion! I'm probably not the first blogger to leave a comment like that, but really, who will ever know?

Come back soon, Lucy! You're fun!

pistols at dawn said...

Man, this is good times. I need to make an enemy, ideally one with boobs.

My relationships are like standup comedy, in that I do them only because I love getting heckled. The women, however, do not seem to share my view on this.

pistols at dawn said...

P.S. "The old hanging banana joke?" Is this a rich cultural tradition I've completely missed out on?

katrocket said...

I dunno either, Pistols. I killed that banana myself for the photo shoot and I thought I was being original, but hey, what the hell do I know? Gallagher must've beat me to it.

Leonesse said...

Wow, I have been missing out on all the fun.

Who the hell is Lucy?

katrocket said...

Leonesse: She is a comedienne in NYC. I wrote a comment on her blog, questioning the quality of her material, which somehow encouraged her to come over to my blog and prove how unfunny she truly is.

You didn't miss much really, but don't take my word for it - go ahead and visit her blog and decide for yourself....