Tuesday, October 2, 2007


I was enjoying a very happ'nen scene with some friends at Hump Day Bump, a weekly Wednesday late-night whoop-up for those of us who don't have "real jobs".

I was minding my own business, enjoying a fine libation, when a gay old acquaintance of mine spots me and swoops in to introduce me to his new housemate: "This is my new roomie! He's straight! Can you BELIEVE IT???!!! He's here to scope out the ladies!" And on that note, he ditched Roomie at my table and floated toward the bar.

"Interesting, " I thought. Because checking out the ladies at a gay/lesbian social club is always so worthwhile for straight men on the prowl. I silently wondered when Roomie would notice that he's actually simmering in a big stew of queerness.

Then a very attractive female friend of mine stopped at my table on her way back from the bar. There's some hugs, some small talk, and because I have impeccable manners, I introduced her to Roomie. Kind regards abound, and then she's on her way. But Roomie cannot take his eyes off her as she disappears onto the dance floor. He has that smitten look.

"I'd like me some of that!" says Roomie. Ah yes, such a dude. "Are you close friends with her? Do you think I could get her number? I got a real good vibe... I think she likes me!"

I doubt it, honey. I probably should let him know that my very attractive female friend is also very much into the ladies. And is probably a lot more successful at it, too. After all, she is smokin' hot.

"I do believe she prefers bush to nuts," I say. Maybe I should have been much clearer on this point, but what can I say? I was feeling poetic. And tipsy. And completely disinterested in pimpin'.

"Oh, I don't really care about politics," says Roomie. "Besides, Bush IS nuts! hahaha!"

Great. Then I got exactly what I deserved: a five-minute monologue of bad, cliché Dubya jokes and Roomie's personal hotness rating of the Bush Twins. (summary: not very hot, but he'd still "do 'em both"). But before he could launch into his working theory about the First Lady being "a real go-er", I totally snapped and blurted out:


"Laura Bush is a dyke?!!!!" Roomie is totally shocked by this new revelation.

"No! I mean my friend.... that girl... she's a lesbian, so I when I said bush..."

"...aaaah! You meant pussy." Roomie completed my sentence, and without missing a beat, he says, "See? We already have something in common!"

You gotta give props to the man who sees the lass as being half-full.

And no, I did not give him her number.


Boldly Serving Up Wheat Grass said...

I love smokin' hot lesbian stories.

Chris said...


pistols at dawn said...

I would have gone with the ass as half full, but that would have required some gender reassignment surgery.

That whole story is awesome, incidentally. What is it about terrible jokes that makes them hilarious after they've been told?

Ha ha, "Bush IS nuts." I'm way too amused by that. I think I would have just started speaking in cliches to try and match "wits."

The Guv'ner said...

Awesome!!!! Only a guy swathed in self love would mistake a 'bush nuts' joke for a dubya reference, in those circumstances. Any other SURE... Plus any dude who'd dip his wick in the Demon Twins is not right.

You should tell your friend. She'd get a kick out of it. And maybe he'd get a kick in the groin.

T said...

'Roomy's' first mistake was having a gay roommate. Second, was being born an idiot.

He will have a clean apartment though...

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Ah, willful blindness is a beautiful thing.

Dale said...

The lass is half full? Hilarious!

This is the guy they invented the phrase 'dick for brains' for. Wait, sorry, that's not just for him.