Wednesday, October 3, 2007

It's the only pie you're getting tonight, mister.

I get kind of annoyed with people who claim to be allergic to certain foods in order to avoid eating something they don't like. There's a huge difference, people, and that difference is a trip to the emergency room.

So if you don't like the way something tastes, you should just say so, because lying about it "to spare someone's feelings" is completely stupid. I think that once you hit adolescence, you can go ahead an eat whatever you like and not eat what you don't like, and people will pretty much respect your choices. Because faking an allergy is totally douchey.

Case study # 1:

I made a totally awesome coconut creme pie for my dinner date last night and he turned up his nose at it...

Date: Hmmmm. Smells like Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil.
Me: It's coconut creme pie! Homemade!
Date: So it's got coconut in it...
Me: It's kind of a key ingredient.
Date: Ah....yeah. Uh, I'm allergic to coconut.
Me: (concerned) No way! Gosh, I'm sorry, I should have asked...okay no worries. So what happens to you?
Date: What do you mean?
Me: Do you swell up and explode?
Date: No.
Me: Do you turn blue and explode?
Date: Not at all.
Me: So what then? Is it lactose intolerance? Your limbs shrivel up and fall off? Do ya get giant lips? Break out in hives?
Date: I get a really bad taste in my mouth.
Me: That's it? Does that require immediate medical attention?
Date: Not really. I just don't like the taste of coconut, I guess.
Me: So you're not actually allergic to coconut.
Date: Well, no. But I really hate coconut.
Me: Why didn't you just say that?
Date: Well, you went through all this trouble, and it's a beautiful presentation...

What I thought: Shut the fuck up and eat your pie, you big fat liar.

What I said: How about some Oreos? Or are you allergic to those, too?


The Guv'ner said...


silly man! I thought the very definition of "not liking" a food was the "bad taste" in your mouth? Allergy not so much.

For the record, I LOVE coconut cream pie and that looked DEEEEElicious (with many "d"s)

Myself, I have an allergy to tuna steaks that hasn't required medical attention so now i feel like a sham. It just makes me bright red, gives me a fever and brings me out in blotches all over. I just cure it by staying away from tuna.

The Guv'ner said...

Also, tell me this isn't the Bush twin lovin' dude from the gay bar...:)

pistols at dawn said...

"I just cure it by staying away from the tuna."

Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, how in the name of God does one leave that alone? The tuna, I mean.

Damn you, Guv, for making me totally unable to make a series of "pie" references that I had planned eight seconds ago when I clicked on the "comment" button.

You even said you love pie, especially with many "D"s.

Goddamnit, it's just too easy. Kind of like your tuna pie.

I'm so disappointed in myself.

Leonesse said...

And I lost the funny part of my comment too, damn it.

Something along the lines of Hawaiian Tropic Smelling Pie is P@D's favorite. But it had a better punch line.

Leonesse said...

And picking out the coconut pieces.

sheesh that is annoying. Brainfart.

Boldly Serving Up Wheat Grass said...

An awkward post. I can only think of extremely vulgar comments. But, since I'm sort of new to your blog, I'll hold off. It is totally cool, though, that you make pies for your dinner dates. Few women, I'd guess, do that these days.

Snooze said...

You have the perfect title for this post. I don't like people using the allergy excuse either. Besides, is he crazy? I would have proposed to you. Coconut creme... yum!

Chris said...

My beloved Austrian bride cooked me a wondrous meal when we were first dating. Seven years later, I can still remember that meal. Mostly because I think it's the last time she cooked for me... (It was roast beast with wine sauce.)

I'm mildly allergic to beans, but like the Guv, I kinda feel like a loser now... I just get kinda ill. Sometimes I have a "reversal of fortune," but not all the time.

As Snooze said, the title is perfect. You've been on a roll with the titles lately. I've noticed. I pay attention to those things.

Oh, that part about my vunderful wiking vife not cooking, that was kind of a fib. She does cook for me every now and then, and when she does it's fantabulous stuff! But generally by the time she gets home from work I'm already stuffing some kind of pre-processed food-stuff into my gaping maw.

T said...

That's why I've always been the perfect in-home date! I love ALL foods and especially the home-made variety. There isn't a more attractive woman than a lady that cooks well. (Of course, a woman that has big boobs, is smart and cooks well is a goddess.) Make my insides happy and my outsides will return the favor.

Grant Miller said...

People that don't like pie should be hung from the highest trees.

Dale said...

So you're dating the knob from the last post already? Tell him you're allergic to nuts, his.

katrocket said...

Guv & Dale: the pie guy is not the Roomie from the last post!!! PS - I LOVE the "Guv & Dale" name combo! You guys could have a morning radio show.

BSUWG: As a cherished reader, your vulgarities are always most welcome here. Please do make yourself at home.

Pistols: Did you have a "pie" joke overload?

Leo: I think Pistols is a bad influence on you! You're a dirty girl (and I love you for that).

Chris: That's a mildly shocking revelation about ze vife! I had a vision of her keeping you happy with a diet of Kaiserschmarrn and wiener schnitzel. I'm sure she's got better tricks up her sleeve though. ;)

Snooze & Chris: Thanks for appreciating my titles - sometimes I put more thought into the title than the post itself. (I'm sure that shows, too.)

T: By your definition, I'm a goddess -- cool! I wish all men were as easy to please as you are.

Grant Miller: I agree. The whole reason I baked a pie was my firm belief that "you can't go wrong with pie." I mean, who doesn't like pie?

I'm trying to learn from this experience, faithful readers. "Do you like pie?" and "Do you have any food allergies?" will now be among the first questions I ask of all potential suitors.

pistols at dawn said...

I would just like to note that I do not, in fact, like pie.

It's not a universal dislike - I enjoy lemon meringue pie, the midwestern staple Grasshopper pie, and the mathematical concept 3.14 - but fruit is not now, nor will it ever be dessert.

I say brownies are way better. Make those. And then mail them to me.

The Guv'ner said...

I agree with Grant Miller - If you don't like pie you're a FREAK OF NATURE or a liar. PIE is everything. It answers only to CAKE in hierarchy and even then some pies are good enough to have cake shine their shoes.


Leonesse said...

Kat,You say that like it's a bad thing.

And it wonderfully is!

CoffeeDog said...

Ingrate. I usually eat anything that is put in front of me. Make me a coconut pie, I'll scarf it!

Bert Bananas said...

(I can do 45 minutes on tuna...)

I say pie is great, but not as universal as cake. Except in really great movies, like that Tony Curtis epic, The Great Race, where pie was in the eye of the beholder.