Well, I made it through my first week at the new job, and though I am not accustomed to working with competent, intelligent, creative, cheerful and interesting people, I think could actually get used to it! I had no idea that such workplaces existed in the world, and had I known sooner, I wouldn't have been wasting the past 15 years of my life slaving for jerks.
My new responsibilities will unfortunately result in a lot less blogging (and reading your blogs), but locals are welcome to check out my new cable access program Are You Smarter Than a Balled-Up Kleenex? Sure, it sounds really easy, but you might be surprised how many people can't measure up against a snotrag.
Other headlines this week:
I never got around to celebrating the AMAZING championship victory of my favourite Formula 1 driver, Kimi Raikkonen of Ferrari, who blew the doors off the competition with a stunning upset at the Brazilian Grand Prix, overcoming a 17 point deficit to take the Driver's Championship by 1 point. Congrats baby, and I know you'll make that booty call to me as soon as you have a minute to settle down from all the excitement.
Nothing pleases me more than to witness the immense suffering of that cheating, crybaby rookie goldenboy Lewis Hamilton. This obnoxious jerk had everyone in the sport bending the rules in order to hand him a championship title on a silver platter, but he still came in second, despite such favouritism. I do love me some good old fashioned come-uppance. By the way, you look fucking awesome with a moustache and goatee.
A NEW SURGE IN THE WAR ON COMMUTERS...
The best thing about working from home was the pleasant absence of transit frustrations. I forgot how much I hated commuting, and though I don't have too far to travel, the good people of this city have not forgotten how to send me into a blind rage. It seems that during my hiatus, the Rude Commuters of Toronto have joined forces with the Rude Stroller Mamas of Toronto to build a formidable Army of Assholes that foil my every effort to get to work unscathed.
Are we having so many giant babies that we need to make these massive SUV strollers that take up 12 square feet of the planet's surface area?? Okay, I understand if you pop out 3 or 4 at once, you might need some seriously engineered prammage to get around, but how can one tiny kid possibly need a freakin hockey duffel bag for all its stuff? I'm an adult and I don't think I own that much shit, let alone carry it around with me. I'm seriously considering stealing a shopping cart to use purely in self-defense.
I mention this only because I suffered undue physical injury to my right ankle this week, when a rather aggressive mother rammed her fucking colossal stroller with the all-terrain wheels and anti-lock brakes into my leg as she was forcing her overladen Behemothbuggy onto a way-too-already-crowded subway train. And as I winced in pain and attempted to mop up the blood gushing from my ankle, she felt the need to lecture me (in the presence of 100 people) on the untold importance of getting the fuck outta her way.
Imagine if you will, the small burst of applause and smiles from witnesses after I shouted at her: "YOU MADE ME BLEED, YOU SELFISH BITCH!" Yes, T-shirts will be available from Rocketstudio in time for the holiday season. Pistols: with your bizarre and pathetic dating history, you've already earned yourself a free one.