Saturday, October 27, 2007

My love for Kimi gives me strength during the Great Embargo on Strollers

Well, I made it through my first week at the new job, and though I am not accustomed to working with competent, intelligent, creative, cheerful and interesting people, I think could actually get used to it! I had no idea that such workplaces existed in the world, and had I known sooner, I wouldn't have been wasting the past 15 years of my life slaving for jerks.

My new responsibilities will unfortunately result in a lot less blogging (and reading your blogs), but locals are welcome to check out my new cable access program Are You Smarter Than a Balled-Up Kleenex? Sure, it sounds really easy, but you might be surprised how many people can't measure up against a snotrag.

Other headlines this week:

FORMULA 1-UPMANSHIP...

I never got around to celebrating the AMAZING championship victory of my favourite Formula 1 driver, Kimi Raikkonen of Ferrari, who blew the doors off the competition with a stunning upset at the Brazilian Grand Prix, overcoming a 17 point deficit to take the Driver's Championship by 1 point. Congrats baby, and I know you'll make that booty call to me as soon as you have a minute to settle down from all the excitement.



Nothing pleases me more than to witness the immense suffering of that cheating, crybaby rookie goldenboy Lewis Hamilton. This obnoxious jerk had everyone in the sport bending the rules in order to hand him a championship title on a silver platter, but he still came in second, despite such favouritism. I do love me some good old fashioned come-uppance. By the way, you look fucking awesome with a moustache and goatee.

A NEW SURGE IN THE WAR ON COMMUTERS...

The best thing about working from home was the pleasant absence of transit frustrations. I forgot how much I hated commuting, and though I don't have too far to travel, the good people of this city have not forgotten how to send me into a blind rage. It seems that during my hiatus, the Rude Commuters of Toronto have joined forces with the Rude Stroller Mamas of Toronto to build a formidable Army of Assholes that foil my every effort to get to work unscathed.

Are we having so many giant babies that we need to make these massive SUV strollers that take up 12 square feet of the planet's surface area?? Okay, I understand if you pop out 3 or 4 at once, you might need some seriously engineered prammage to get around, but how can one tiny kid possibly need a freakin hockey duffel bag for all its stuff? I'm an adult and I don't think I own that much shit, let alone carry it around with me. I'm seriously considering stealing a shopping cart to use purely in self-defense.

I mention this only because I suffered undue physical injury to my right ankle this week, when a rather aggressive mother rammed her fucking colossal stroller with the all-terrain wheels and anti-lock brakes into my leg as she was forcing her overladen Behemothbuggy onto a way-too-already-crowded subway train. And as I winced in pain and attempted to mop up the blood gushing from my ankle, she felt the need to lecture me (in the presence of 100 people) on the untold importance of getting the fuck outta her way.

Imagine if you will, the small burst of applause and smiles from witnesses after I shouted at her: "YOU MADE ME BLEED, YOU SELFISH BITCH!" Yes, T-shirts will be available from Rocketstudio in time for the holiday season. Pistols: with your bizarre and pathetic dating history, you've already earned yourself a free one.

9 comments:

Bert Bananas said...

I'm glad you're not rubbing it in that your job is a glorious thing, while the rest of us...

And now this, let's take it out of context and have some fun:

"Pistols: with your bizarre and pathetic dating history, you've ... earned yourself a free one."

Regarding your ankle, were you able to find someone to hold it up in the air so as to help staunch the bleeding?

Dale said...

That's the best city bitching I've heard in a while. This post is suitable for framing and then smashing over the heads of those who cause Katrocket any inconvenience.

The Guv'ner said...

There've been news stories here in NYC this summer about mommy wars in Brooklyn and how the moms are all trying to outdo the others for the creme de la creme of strolling luxury and there have been quite a few stroller rage incidents reported. REALLY! I had no idea this epidemic had reached the Great White North. How truly awful!

Leonesse said...

Well, guv, America is nothing if not an infection of selfishness. We must spread this Stroller Democracy by FORCE. Because we all know that if you aren't keeping up with the Joneses you are really communists and we are watching you.

pistols at dawn said...

First of all, I'm honored that I'm the list for free anything, except ass kickings.

Your main problem here was that you were using public transportation, which everyone knows is for losers. While I have yet to encounter these behemoth buggies, as I flee at the sight of pregnant women (just ask any of my exes), I imagine they do better against your ankle than they would against, say, my car at 65 mph.

Snooze said...

Hee-hee - way to fight the stroller brigade!

And I love the fact that your job is going so well.

The Idea Of Progress said...

That's why I advise every city dweller to carry a bazooka. Takes out a stroller in one shot.

steakbellie said...

"a formidable Army of Assholes that foil my every effort to get to work unscathed"

Could only be topped by the words you screamed as you lay wounded...

awesomeness....cant wait to read more about your job though...

Grant Miller said...

Car racing smells like fried bologna.