Thursday, December 27, 2007

Alpine report # 1

I've been drinking heavily for days, but I've dried myself up just enough to take a couple minutes to see how everyone's Christmas was. All good? I hope you all enjoyed a fabulous holiday!

Ok, so I'm typing on a French keyboard, and those cheeky bastards put all the keys in different places. The only thing that curbs my rage is the fact that I love everything else about this place...

1. I have eaten so much cheese that I think I'm turning into cheese I think I'm turning into cheese I really think so.

2. The wine section takes up six aisles of a grocery store. That's fucking awesome!

3. This photo was taken while I enjoyed my morning coffee from the balcony of my chalet.

4. Today I bought moonshine off the back of a rickety truck up in the mountains. There was a distilling wagon parked on the side of the road, and I felt compelled to get in on the action. So I hung out with some very surly Alpine farmers, and I'll write a post about it once I upload the photos I took, because THESE GUYS TAKE THE CRAZY CAKE. No blindness to report so far, but stay tuned. This shit tastes like gasoline.

5. I know what you're thinking. That Kat is a total twat. And you'd be absolutely right. But France is full of 'em, so I think I might actually belong here.

more later... happy new year!

Monday, December 17, 2007

bon voyage, bitches!

The holiday season is that special time of year when we all give a little more to charity, do nice things for people, and endeavor to spend quality time with our families and friends.

This is exactly why I'm getting the fuck outta town tomorrow so I can hide out with The Corporal in France, where we can avoid that sort of nonsense. For three weeks, I shall don a beret, consume copius amounts of wine and gooey cheese, ski the Alps, and partake in the festive joy of disillusioned late-night youth riots in the streets.

Some French person I know is pretty darn sure that France has got the innernets, so I may be compelled to write a few posts if I can scam some hot wi-fi action from my bourgieous mountaintop chalet. But the wee postcard town I'm going to doesn't have any public transit to complain about, so I have absolutely no idea what I'm gonna write about. Barring any international incidents, Rocketradio will be back on the air after January 5th.

I'd like to take this moment to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, or - if you don't celebrate Christmas, I wish you a Happy "insert festive religious or cultural celebration here". Y'all have written some awesome posts this past year, so be sure to reward yourselves with excessive eating, drinking, spending and fighting in the true spirit of Christmas.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Happy Birthday Katrocket

Rocketradio has long hosted a popular feature known as The Birthday Wish, whereby a mildly embarrassing tribute is dedicated to Katrocket's favourite bloggers. Well, it's Katrocket's birthday today, so The Management would like to get this post out of the way before the six monkeys we hired to write content during the WGA strike get all drunk and start hurling insults (and poo).

This year, we take a glimpse into the secret life of our Host, with...

Fun Facts About Katrocket:

1. Katrocket's partnership with alcohol began at an early age, when she instinctively gravitated toward imports. (Photo courtesy of Aaron Edwards)

1. Katrocket has impeccable handwriting.

2. In 1987, the Vatican hired a young, mulleted Katrocket to market Pope John Paul II to a younger audience. She also is responsible for the name "John Paul II", after successfully arguing that the name Karel was "a bit girlie". Father Wojtyla was asked to pick his new name out of a giant pointy hat, which, unbeknownst to him, included only the first names of the Beatles. It is only by divine miracle that the world never came to know Pope Ringo George II.

3. Katrocket had a brief, but exciting fling with Canadian Formula 1 driver Jacques Villeneuve -- in her mind. She maintains to this day that his horrendous CD of cheesy French love songs is "all about the Rocket".

4. Katrocket has been a commuter's advocate for several years, and is about to knock the Toronto Transit Commission on its ass with her proposal to replace the lame and ineffective "TTC Special Constables" with "Hot Scantily Clad Chicks With Guns". Because no one disobeys an armed woman in panties.

5. Katrocket once made Chuck Norris a sandwich. It was the greatest sandwich he has ever tasted. He then went on to kick the world's ass.

Happy Birthday Katrocket.

The Management and HR Department here at Rocketradio looks forward to another year of warning letters and lawsuits. Please try to be sober for your shift on Monday.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Happy Birthday to The Guv'ner

I totally missed The Guv'ner's birthday last Thursday, but I believe she is totally down with extending any cake-related event well into the next week.

I could probably say some nice shit about you, Ms. Manic Kater Aeroplanic, maybe even point the nice folks here to the dozens of personalities that you have, but instead, I baked you cakes. That's right, baby. I said CAKES, plural.

According to a recent keyword analysis, Rocketradio is a very popular internet resource for anyone seeking instruction in how to bake penis and boob cakes. Just Google "erotic pastry", and you'll see what I mean.

I couldn't decide which cake you'd like more, so here's a deluxe party platter to share with the whole gang. The cuntcakes are courtesy of Rocketpal and sweetcake superstar, Auni M.

Happy Birthday, Guv'ner. Please don't make yourself sick.


Katrocket's birthday is next Saturday, Dec 8th.

Details later in the week.

"It's a celebration, bitches!"