Thursday, February 28, 2008

Say hello to the Future of Science

Remember your elementary school science fair? It was that anxious time of year when middle school students were required to do some lame experiment and then make those 3 walls out of crappy bristol board and paste a bunch of charts and graphs on it. Yeah, oodles of fun, man.

The science fair at my school was utterly predictable: killing plants in various creative ways; volcanoes; homemade rockets; jars of rusty nails (sadly not the delicious cocktail variety); jars of rotting teeth. Oh, and there's that one kid whose dad was an engineer and had built him a badass Galton box or a freakin' laser light show. That kid always won, and I can't say I learned anything from the experience except that cheaters always prosper, science fairs really suck, and I wasn't ever gonna find that cure for cancer like my parents had hoped.

But after stumbling upon a motherlode of science fair pics on Flickr, I discovered that today's kids still carry the torch, and endeavor to solve the world's escalating problems using their awesome powers of scientific reasoning. The future of science (and the planet) is in very deep trouble, people.

Just click on images if you want to enlarge them.

Drop It Like It's Hot
Something to do with dropping hot things. Any kid who bases his science fair project on a Snoop Dogg song is alright by me. Seven years from now, I'll be buying dope off this guy. What's that on the table? A plate of potato chip crumbs? A half-eaten piece of pizza? Who cares - he's got your munchies covered. I love his winning attitude, so I'm awarding him Best in Show.

Is Bigger Always Better?
Yes, boys. Always. Just ask your mom.

Nail That Wood
Ring me up in 15 years and we'll talk about this some more.

Who's Your Daddy?
Oh, she'll find out soon enough. I love the paper heart detailing. It says: "I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me."

Make a Dotcom
He's twelve, and already carries the smug confidence of a sleezebag who runs a highly lucrative porn site from his smelly bedroom. Just check out the look on his face. This dude is already wealthier than you.

The Sphincter: Gateway to the scatalogical
Whatcha got in the cup there, kiddo? It better be chocolate.

Garlic: The Silent Killer
Really? Man, I hope not. I love garlic. But it's the silent romance killer, for sure. Sorta like those pants you've got hiked up to your tits.

Plants and Pop
A last-minute entry from a kid who forgot it was the science fair that day. So he stole two of his mom's plants, a bottle of 7-Up from the fridge, and scribbled down some "facts" on 3-ring binder paper during the bus ride to school. Then he borrowed some packing tape and stuck that crap on the back of someone else's science fair project. How do I know all this? I was this guy once. He'll turn out just fine if he can keep his heart from exploding.

Crystal Meth: Friend of Foe?
Another favourite of mine, solely for the byline "friend or foe?" This is the kind of science that kids can really get behind. These young ladies appear to have done some fairly extensive research on the subject. It's pure coincidence that they both share the last name "Jones".

Music and Sex
Two more gals who've thrown themselves into their research work for the good of all humanity.

Hornets Basketball
I'm not certain that this boy fully understood the assignment. But his presentation is pretty nice, so I'll bet this was one of the more popular projects among the students. Hell, I'd give him an A if he could introduce me to Peja Stojakovic. I could eat Serbian almost every day.

Delirum Tremens (the DTs)
The photos of Mel Gibson and Barney, paired with the "thumbs up" from a guy who should have graduated 6 years ago, earn this one an Honourable Mention.

Teats: An Exhaustive Comparative Study
Here's a guy who understands that
female nudity + showmanship + charm = ratings.
Kudos for giving the masses exactly what they want from weeks of scientific exploration: Teats!

Do Video Games Affect You?
Clearly they have affected this particular kid. But let's give this boy props for figuring out how to combine his gaming habit with a homework assignment. The skull hoodie is pure science anarchy.

I dunno honey, you tell me.


doorknob_dan said...

I would have picked the sphincter kid.

And as a judge, I'd have been nudging the most attractive member of the judging panel in her side with my elbow every ten seconds while we examined this booth.

With a little sly grin on my face.

So everyone could see.

rcubed said...

Funniest post I've read in a long time.
I threw a nail in a jar of coke for my project. I now work for the government--landing strip for underachievers.

Leonesse said...

I never had to do one of these. I don't know how the hell I managed that, but I did. Probably in the same way I was voted Best Excuses For Getting Out of Class my senior year.

katrocket said...

Dan: yeah, the Sphincter Kid was a dark horse in a tough contest. But they're all here on Rocketradio, which makes them all winners, really.

r cubed: I recall doing 3 science fair projects over the years - all botanical in nature. My family ran a greenhouse & florist supply business, so I was really into hybridizing plants and flowers, which came in handy during college when I attempted to grow my own pot.

Leonesse: You're one lucky lady! You didn't miss anything (unless have a need to grow your own pot).

Cap'n Ergo "XL+1" Jinglebollocks said...

sooo, we suspend kids for bringing fingernail clippers into Kindergarten, but "Crystal Meth" and "the Asshole" (I can't spell "sphingter") is OK??

I was apparently born in the wrong-o generation.

Leonesse said...

Now that you mention it, I could use a few pointers.

Bluzlover said...

The pictures are hilarious! I can't remember what I created for these things. That's probably why I'm an artist not a scientist. I love the girl standing next to the "Nail That Wood". And "Crystal Meth, Friend or Foe".That "cracks" me up. I guess it's these boys friend.

Bill Pocock said...

Brilliant post idea.

Good stuff!

Bert Bananas said...

The education business is such a striking example of not getting what you paid for. Mostly because money can't buy obedience and respect.

But at least the little cherubs are learning the scientific method, so we can count on them to reach accurate conclusions, right?

pistols at dawn said...

Wow. This is a rather brilliant idea. Where's the damn kid with the Volcano, possibly with the title "Exploding All Over Your Face: Volcanoes Are Dangerous."

The Guv'ner said...

What the hell......


I thought it was all about "Fun with Iodine" or blowing stuff up in the name of scientific research.

I laughed out loud all the way through this. I wish I'd gone to THOSE schools, man. Crystal Meth: Friend or Foe. What the shit?

Grant Miller said...

The music and sex girls will work at Pitchfork in about 10 years.

steakbellie said...

Check out the 'X' in Music & Sex.

Sweetness this is fun!

Falwless said...

God I love this post. Seriously. I keep coming back to re-enjoy it. It never fails to bring me joy. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

katrocket said...

falwless: Thanks for reaidng. Your devotion (and fun blog) has earned you a spot in my top blogs.

now I have to go ask Grant Miller what the hell Pitchfork is.

Winter said...

I'll never forgive my History teacher in highschool for sticking me with a report on the Virgin Islands, you can guess what I was called for a year.