Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Breaking up is not that hard to do...

...you just need to say those three little words: "I've found Jesus!"

This was merely a working theory until 5 days ago, when a casual female acquaintance sought my advice regarding her burning desire to break up with her boyfriend of 7 weeks.

HER: It's not working out at all, but he's still a very nice guy, and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

ME: So just tell him that. Tell him he's a really nice guy, but you really prefer the excitement of shallow, dysfunctional relationships with assholes.

HER: I do not!!!!

ME: Okay then. Savour that self-delusion and just tell him "It's not you, it's me."

HER: No way. I can't possibly say that with a straight face.

ME: Tell him you're a lesbian. It's foolproof. Men LOVE that shit.

HER: Oh, c'mon, I'm soooo obviously NOT a lesbian.

ME: I can make you a lesbian in 10 minutes if you wanna drop by.

HER: (silence)

ME: (sigh) Okay...tell him you no longer have time for premarital sex due to your new responsibilities with the church. Then tell him you and your bible study group would really love to spend more time with him.


Lots of people get freaked out by sudden, inexplicable religious zealousy, so I guess she decided that this was a lie she could stand behind. She e-mailed me today to report that her new fake love for Christ inspired her (now ex-)boyfriend to drop her like she was not hot. I told her she was going straight to hell, so she might as well become a lesbian now, before she's struck down by lightning.

You know, I'm not even remotely interested in her. I'm just hoping that relentless sexual harrassment will lead to fewer annoying phone calls asking for break-up advice.


The Guv'ner said...

Haha, yeah but you totally underestimated the fact that had she followed through with the "I am a lesbian" route, the dude would probably have tied her to the nearest radiator IN CASE she got away. Talk about feeding a fantasy! :)

Jesus just doesn't get the credit he deserves for helping out in these situations. He's a man, guys just can't compete with. She should've ended with "And Jesus' wang is bigger than yours too."

katrocket said...

hahaha! That reminds me of a t-shirt I saw on an old black lady sitting in JFK airport at Christmas. It featured a large illustration of a cheese-grinning saviour and it said:


I totally shat myself.

Cap'n Ergo "XL+1" Jinglebollocks said...

I can't compete w/that tee shirt. Though I fancy *I* should've tried that route when my soon-2B-ex (S2B-X) called me last nite all furious.

pistols at dawn said...

I had a girlfriend who told me that she was leaving me because she'd found Jesus, which I thought meant she had become boring and found a higher power, but it turns out she just started nailing this Mexican dude. I guess that means I'm officially the laziest lover ever.

Grant Miller said...

I really hope this goes where I envision it: Two women dressed as nuns making out.

Boldly Serving Up Wheat Grass said...

Great post... The blogosphere can always use more girl-on-girl action.

Blank Field said...

None of the guys have mentioned an obvious truth: We want you to lie to us.

The best line I've heard: "I'm pregnant with your child but my husband will raise it as his own if I stop seeing you." How can a guy argue with that one?

Leonesse said...

You see how the miracles of Jesus really work?

doorknob_dan said...

Surefire way to turn a guy off:
"I'm sorry, I'm just not satisfied by the size of your penis nor how you work that little fella."

I give up every time I hear that.

Dale said...

There ain't nothing like girl on girl advice.

The Guv'ner said...

Oh my sweet JEEZUS. I must have a "Jesus Fills Me Up" shirt. That is just...so wrong. On so many levels.

Gnugs said...

Best breakup line--that is if you really don't care how nice of a person it is-- is to start laughing after gearing him up to do a strip tease for you. You have to start it up when the pants come down, however. If not, he'll think you're enjoying yourself. And then you'd have to have sex with him. --sigh-- AGAIN.

ginger b said...

I need to use this line.

Not the one about finding god, but the one about preferring shallow, dysfunctional relationships with assholes...

"Babe, thanks for being such a great guy and renewing my faith in the male gender. Now if you'll excuse me, I think that hot, 38-year old bar tender just winked at me..."

steakbellie said...

Thats freaking brilliant. One night with me and she'd be a lesbian for sure!

Miss Awesome said...

I always just stop talking to the person when I want to breakup. It's amazing how long some people take to realize that you ignoring them= I DON'T LIKE YOU!