...you just need to say those three little words: "I've found Jesus!"
This was merely a working theory until 5 days ago, when a casual female acquaintance sought my advice regarding her burning desire to break up with her boyfriend of 7 weeks.
HER: It's not working out at all, but he's still a very nice guy, and I don't want to hurt his feelings.
ME: So just tell him that. Tell him he's a really nice guy, but you really prefer the excitement of shallow, dysfunctional relationships with assholes.
HER: I do not!!!!
ME: Okay then. Savour that self-delusion and just tell him "It's not you, it's me."
HER: No way. I can't possibly say that with a straight face.
ME: Tell him you're a lesbian. It's foolproof. Men LOVE that shit.
HER: Oh, c'mon, I'm soooo obviously NOT a lesbian.
ME: I can make you a lesbian in 10 minutes if you wanna drop by.
ME: (sigh) Okay...tell him you no longer have time for premarital sex due to your new responsibilities with the church. Then tell him you and your bible study group would really love to spend more time with him.
Lots of people get freaked out by sudden, inexplicable religious zealousy, so I guess she decided that this was a lie she could stand behind. She e-mailed me today to report that her new fake love for Christ inspired her (now ex-)boyfriend to drop her like she was not hot. I told her she was going straight to hell, so she might as well become a lesbian now, before she's struck down by lightning.
You know, I'm not even remotely interested in her. I'm just hoping that relentless sexual harrassment will lead to fewer annoying phone calls asking for break-up advice.