In the previous post, we examined the secret language of job postings and their hidden meanings, so I thought it was only fair to offer a look at resumés and cover letters, and how recruiters process that information.
Some of you dear readers have mentioned that you've had the joyous experience of hiring staff and screening job applications, and I, too, have shared your pain. The process can be long and arduous -- scanning hundreds of hopeful candidates, wading through an ocean of ridiculous spelling/grammar mistakes and cliché buzzword bullshit, praying you'll find The One before you scratch out your own eyes and jump from a window.
There are plenty of sites dedicated to stupid mistakes on job applications, but only Rocketradio has uncovered the secret language of resumés:
"I am calm and effective in crisis situations." : I take a lot of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I take pride in my work." : I am quick to blame others for my mistakes.
"friendly and personable": I enjoy giving unsolicited advice to my co-workers.
"outgoing" : I'm rarely at my desk.
"advanced computer skills" : I know MS Word!
"resourceful" : I steal office supplies.
"honest, hard-working, and dependable" : I rat on people who steal office supplies.
"I possess above-average communication and organizational skills" : I'm kinda bossy and I never shut the fuck up.
"proven talent in creative writing": I will be blogging during company time.
"highly adaptable" : I change jobs every 3 to 6 months.
"highly motivated to succeed" : I'm leaving this job as soon as I find a better one.
"socially conscious and active in the community" : I drink a lot.
"able to quickly identify problems" : I complain a lot.
"good listening skills" : I rarely have ideas of my own.
"charismatic" : I have no interest in anyone's opinion but my own.
"I am very professional" : I have a daytimer. I carry it in my briefcase.
"I have a professional attitude." : I'm a pompous dickhead.
"excellent presentation skills" (on a woman's CV): I show a lot of cleavage at business meetings.
"excellent presentation skills" (on a man's CV): I own two suits.
"aggressive, ambitious, self-starter" : I'm a total nightmare to work with, but I think I'm quite awesome.
"I excel in a team environment" : I don't pull my weight, but I'm really good at taking credit for stuff I didn't do.
"I work well with others" : I have been accused of sexual harrassment.
"I have a great sense of humour": I have been accused of sexual harrassment.
"demonstrated leadership qualities" : I'm a loud talker.
"excellent intuitive judgment" : I know when to disappear.
"effective time management skills" : I'm a clock watcher.
"detail-oriented" : I'm a nitpicker.
"strong interpersonal skills" : I'm the office gossip.
"willing to relocate": I am so tired of living in my car.
"willing to work overtime/flexible shifts" : Things are pretty miserable at home.
"available immediately" : I have been unemployed for months and I'm very desperate.
"thank you for your time and consideration in reviewing my CV" : If you hire me, I'll do anything you ask. Anything.
"I look forward to hearing from you." : I'm waiting for my form rejection letter.