Monday, October 13, 2008

Grant is... Facebook

I've written several times about my on-again/off-again relationship with Facebook, but I have to admit that I ended up keeping my account for one reason only: for the awesome privilege of being Grant Miller's friend.

Grant's comedic writing is quite legendary on Blogger, but if you're not on Facebook, you're missing out on some of his best material. Mr. Miller's 'status update', a Twitter-ish feature that asks users "what are you doing right now?" is almost always the single most hilarious sentence I read all day.

I've been stalking compiling Grant's best status updates to share with those of you who are not on facebook, do not own a computer, or cannot be friends with Grant for political, religious, or medical reasons. The following material is intellectual (?) property of Grant Miller Media, and is reproduced here without permission from the author.

Status Updates by Grant Miller

Grant would never write about himself in the third person.

Grant thinks you'd really like today's "Marmaduke".

Grant tries to impress you by talking in a deep voice.

Grant is grooming his poodle.

Grant sweats when he talks to you.

Grant believes all Craigslist personals are about him.

Grant feels like you don't even know him sometimes.

Grant is ripping the sleeves off his t-shirts to make more muscle shirts.

Grant is sitting outside your house, waiting for you to come out so he can accidentally bump into you.

Grant thinks your house looks very nice from the outside.

Grant is standing in front of the mirror, practicing what he wants to say to you.

Grant is carving your likeness out of Ivory soap.

Grant is thinking of you in an inappropriate way.

Grant is seeing how his name would look with your last name.

Grant is looking through bridal catalogs!!! Hint! Hint! Hint!

Grant is casually mentioning he's free this weekend, hoping you notice.

Grant is cutting eye holes in a restaurant menu so he can discreetly watch you while you eat.

Grant likes what you're wearing today. A lot. A lot lot.

Grant is writing in his journal about you again.

Grant is crossing out your name over and over and over again as tears fall down his cheeks.

Grant is cutting up old pictures of you while quietly weeping.

Grant wishes he hadn't cut up all those pictures of you.


BeckEye said...

God, he's so stupid. All Craigslist personals ARE about him. Sheesh.

red said...

Grant is one funny dude. Plus, I just pretty much killed him in Scrabble...which made my, like, life.

WendyB said...


Some Guy said...

Grant will not rest until he conquers every last corner of the internets. Soon, lolcat pictures will be replaced by lolGrant pictures.

Gwen said...

Grant Miller is funny.

steakbellie said...

great twitters, mine are usually about the contents of my stomach or colon. Not that that's weird.

When do we learn the winner of the contest? I've got my shit packed up in a red bandanna and I'm all set to hitch-hike North!

Dr Zibbs said...

I'm not just making this up - I've noticed his comments and they are funny. What I haven't noticed are many comments on my blog from Mr Grant Miller.

katrocket said...

beckeye: He's too modest to believe that could be possible.

red: I've heard he gets off on losing to women at Scrabble. He's a Scrabocist.

wendyb: I couldn't think of anything hilarious on my own, so I stole Grant's stuff.

some guy: I actually think LOLgrant is a great idea. You should pitch it to Grant Miller Media!

gwen: I think our whole circle of bloggers is immensely funny. I'm stalking all of you on Facebook for future post material.

steakbellie: contest winners are coming up soon!

good doctor zibbs: Oh sweetie, don't take it so personally. He doesn't comment much here either. That's why I write posts about him.

Dale said...

He's too busy twittering to write comments, I'm sure of it. I think he only comments on leap years, is this a leap year? Write a post about leap years, everyone!

Cormac Brown said...

Pure comedy gold.

Asphodel said...

Wow! I was almost about to add Grant Miller on Facebook before my senses caught up with me!
He'd be pleasantly straight faced with all the other friend ads he gets today... wait... everyone prolly already has him added eh! Darn it, I'll succumb!