I've been following the U.S. election very closely over the past couple of months, and I usually keep my trap shut on this blog - mostly out of respect for my beloved American friends, and a concern that my acerbic opinions may hurt some feelings. Americans - you're super sexy, and I love you unconditionally, but I can no longer stay silent about this: I'm really annoyed with all the news reports regarding long line-ups and technical problems with the voting machines at the early polling stations this week.
Could someone please explain to me why this shit is happening?!!
I mean, thanks to the American media's inability to shut the hell up about it, the whole world has known about this election for a couple of years now. And since there were faulty machines and hotly contested votes during the last election, one would assume that the people who designed (and charge money to maintain) these wonders of technology would've gotten off their asses during the past four years and worked out the bugs.
Of course it's way more convenient to blame the voters themselves with lame excuses like "operator error", but that's ridiculous. Sure, there's always some dumbasses in the mix, but if citizens honestly can't figure out how to push a button or two, perhaps that says something about your fucking polling machines.
Not to brag, but we just had a federal election in Canada (Oct 14). It was called 45 days before election day. There were 5 candidates for Prime Minister, and one televised debate. It might seem quaint, but like most countries in the world, we still vote the old-fashioned way - by marking an 'X' on a little square of paper that contains a list of the candidates names. You simply put your 'X' in the little circle - or if you're retarded, you can put a scribble or a line or a smiley face in the circle, and it still counts. If you can't colour inside the lines, or go apeshit with the pencil and mark more than one circle, it's a spoiled ballot. When you're done, some official government person puts your little folded up paper in a sealed cardboard box with a slot on the top. No tampering, no cheating, no gray areas.
There are thousands of polling stations (sometimes three or four in one neighbourhood) so not a single polling station had a line-up the size of a theme-park ride. We don't even have to be registered in order to vote - you just show your ID, or something with your name and address on it, like a utility bill. The cost of the entire process was approximately 3 million dollars, and yes, a whole lot of trees gave their lives for all the paper ballots. Don't worry too much about that - all the paper gets recycled.
Go ahead and poke fun at our simple ways, but when a winner was finally declared, there were no controversies about bizarro polling machines that choose the red guy when you really wanted to vote for the blue guy. There were no stories of voters being turned away because the polls closed while they were standing in line for several hours. The entire election process was over and done with in just six weeks.
So I'm asking my American readers to enlighten me. Please help me understand all this voting machine nonsense. What the hell has happened to you guys? Was it all that cocaine in the 80s? Remember the good old days when you put a MAN ON THE MOON before anyone knew what the hell a computer was? You invented the fucking AUTOMOBILE for chrissakes, during an era when very few people were educated beyond the basics of reading and writing. So how is it even possible that your brightest minds can't invent a polling machine that works?
I realize it's none of my concern how you handle your elections, but whether I like it or not, your policies, trade agreements and wars affect my existence, too. If McCain gets in, I'm just as fucked as you are, and this is now the third close-race election in a row where the outcome may not be entirely accurate.
So if you'd like to continue calling yourselves "the leader of the free world" or "the best country ever", or some other delusional self-congratulatory phrase, please tell the idiots in charge of your elections to stop being so laughably incompetent.