Operation: F#ck this Sh!t contest winners!!

Sorry for the long wait, but the Rocketradio jury panel (two cats and my drunk French neighbour, pictured at left) took forever pouring over the mountain of entries received - hoardes of disallusioned Americans seeking out comfort in The North. It all makes me wish I owned a groovy motel so I could harbour every single one of you and make a documentary about it. But alas, there were only three spots (with some special provisions - see below)... and the winners are:



1. John Donald Carlucci of Democracy Hypocrisy
JDC is a new Rocketreader, but his submission was everything I had hoped for in a houseguest - he adores cold winters, he's a talented artist/writer, plus he's down with both the metric system AND the Quebecois, so an astounding (and likely illegal) score from the French judge put him well ahead of all contenders. Congratulations JDC - please bring pyjamas because I've got strict rules about lounging around in yer gitch.

2. IT'S A TIE!

Chris & Dagmar of The Radloffs' Random Midnight Thoughts
The Radloffs have been long time friends of Rocketradio, and their heartwrenching story of a failed emigration attempt to Kitchener earns them a place where they can finally be free of viscious dogs, poor healthcare, and asshole neighbours. My neighbour may be a drunk, but he's no asshole. Plus, Dagmar is Austrian, which means she's probably an excellent cook/baker, and I need someone around to enable my constant need for streudel.

Bluzlover of Bouncing Around In My Head.
As for Bluzlover - he seems abuntantly agreeable, claims to be house trained, and unlike the rest of you, he's willing to give up everything he has for a sweet taste of frozen glamour.

3. James of Heavy: Lift With Caution
For his fine appreciation of "killer bud", his beautiful mind, his ability to Rock, and his überimpressive gardening skills. My French neighbour is an exceptional gardener as well, and chose James as the final house guest after reviewing photos of The Ghetto Garden and then sobbing uncontrollably for 20 minutes because he only has a 75 square foot patch of concrete balcony to work with.

Special Provisions have been made for two more entries:

1. Leonesse - because I gave away her room without consulting her on the matter. Bitch is nevah home! Anyways, Leonesse - you know none of these winners will be able to tolerate me longer than 3 weeks, so your Plan B is still safe.

2. Steakbellie - the most intriguing entry we received has inspired a prototype outreach program that could change lives:

"I come with a lot of baggage. The wife, the kids, the dogs, the lizards, the whole competitive eating thing. Is there an option where I live here, but under Canadian rules or something? Can telecommuting or arm wrestling somehow help me here????"

Do you have room in your backyard for a 30 foot trailer and a Canada Customs kiosk? If so, we're sending a task force to Philly to erect (tee hee) the first ever offshore "Canadian Bubble" (aka "The Cubble") in your backyard. Based on the concept of Petoria from Family Guy, we're prepared to annex a portion of your property to the Commonwealth of Canada. When you go out the backdoor (tee hee), you and your family will be welcomed to Canada by Immigration Officials (who need to borrow your lawn chairs, by the way), where the splendour of our nation awaits you in the form of a moderately attractive Airstream trailer, painted red and white like a big ol' Tylenol and plastered with Maple Leaf stickers. The cool part is that the interior of the trailer has been pimped out like a log cabin, and the fridge is full of (really really good) beer.

Rocketradio would like to thank all contest participants, and not thank those of you who let the metric system stand in the way of your dreams for a better life.

I've got a new contest coming up tomorrow - a REAL contest with a REAL prize!! No metric!

I shit you not. Come back tomorrow!....