Wednesday, November 5, 2008

My Post-election non-rant

Hello, and welcome to yet another post about the results of last night's election.

I'm quite pleased that Barack Obama is going to be the next U.S. President, as are most foreigners who could never really understand why you guys put Cletus in charge for the past 8 years. But I'm even more happy that all the campaign media coverage is over, and in the coming months, my favourite bloggers will find new and exciting non-political topics to discuss.

If you're one of millions of bloggers who have relied heavily on this election campaign for daily material, you may be feeling a little lost and uncertain about the future of your precious blog. Well, I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of alternative discussion topics to help ween you off the political rhetoric that may have fuelled you for past 22 months...

Katrocket's "Big Dozen" Post Topics

1. Go to YouTube, or Funny or Die, punch the word "hilarious" into the search engine and post the first clip that makes you LOL. This is a sure-fire winning post every time, and it involves almost no effort. If you've made a good video choice, people will automatically assume that YOU are a comedy genius, thanks to your mad skillz in video embeddening.

2. Because the whole world shares your unwavering fascination with your own traffic stats, make a list of all the wild n' wacky search terms that brought losers to your blog for a mere 3 seconds before they realized you were not the world authority on "filipino midget goatfuckers party hat" that they hoped you might be.

3. Tell us how you're planning to celebrate The Idea of Progress Day on November 26th. I already booked a banquet hall and a Whitesnake cover band months ago, but I realize most of you are not that organized, so a simple minute-by-minute account of your activities on Nov 26th will suffice.

4. Show off your sexy, desirable side with a series of posts about your ex-lover(s), and how you're so over them that you're strong enough to call out their myriad of shortcomings behind their back on the internet. Be sure to blab about every private aspect of your most intimate relationships, (especially the super embarrassing stuff!) and try to make it seem like your temporary lapse in judgment was not your fault, as you were likely the unfortunate victim of an elaborate ruse or extreme intoxication. I assure you, if done properly, no one will think you are bitter, needy, neurotic or unlovable.

5. It goes without saying that the blogosphere is an excellent forum for your humourous and/or endearing stories about your children and pets. If you don't have children or pets, weird and/or creepy co-workers and bosses make for an excellent substitute!

6. Pose as a celebrity guest blogger. Don't forget to post their photo and change your screen name - no one will even suspect it's really you!

7. Talk about all the crazy shit you did and/or funny shit you said at the bar last night. People really love that stuff, because it's not like we had to be there for it to make any sense.

8. Review something. It could be a movie, a concert or event, a book, a restaurant, or a disappointing bedroom performance (see # 4) - just make sure it's not an "imaginary review", because The Imaginary Reviewer has already cornered that niche market in the best way possible.

9. Talk smack about other bloggers. I LOVE a good blogger-on-blogger shakedown, even more so if there's accompanying photos of Bikini-Clad You vs. Other Blogger in a plastic kiddie pool filled with jello - even if you're a fat guy. Especially if you're a fat guy.

10. If hating isn't your scene, blogcrush posts can be just as entertaining! I get a huge kick out of knowing who would be your BFF or soulmate in a world without sanity or geographic borders. Remember that fun children's game - the one where you pass around a note that says "Are you in love with Billy?... check yes or no" and then the bitch who passed you the note shares your answer with everyone at school - including Billy? Yeah, those were good times. It's the internet equivalent of "high school cafeteria", without the terrible food and the Popular Kids Who Won't Let You Sit At Their Table.

11. Write a post about a commercial, billboard or print ad that you love to hate (or just plain love), e-mail it to, and find a new way to watch your stock rise to dizzying heights!

12. Or you can keep on writing about politics - because the mudslinging campaign ads may be gone, but The Great Big Mess still remains, and I look forward to reading your opinions during The Era of Change in America. I don't envy Barack Obama, because he inherited a very broken country and will face greater challenges than any president in recent memory. Americans voted for change, but it will be interesting to see if folks are actually willing to change themselves in order to achieve it.


Dr Zibbs said...

...or see other winners like Katrocket..over on my blog today.

Gnugs said...

I am so glad for this to be over, and quite ready for the melt down that most Americans are probably going to go through. Oh, that and all the new commercials that Joe the Plumber will be in... Be awaiting an e-mail on THAT one: "How Joe the Plumber made me hate the toothpaste industry."

WendyB said...

I hope everyone goes for #4.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I wouldn't say I've cornered the Imaginary Reviewing market yet, but thanks for saying so! Actually, maybe if other people started reviewing things that don't exist the threat of competition would get me out of this funk that I've been in recently.

I wish I had a regular blog now, so that I could follow some of these excellent suggestions! I could write about Maxine, the amazingly hot girl I dated once whose appearance was sadly blighted by a very very very hairy upper lip.

red said...

I'm gonna start moving in on TIR's niche market...just for fun.

The Guv'ner said...

Instead of covering something the Imaginary Reviewer already has done, I figure why not do imaginary blogging? Blog about things that never happened and are ludicrous. A blog about made up shit, sounds like fun.

BeckEye said...

I'm just going to continue to sit here with my thumb up my ass and crying until American Idol starts.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Red: Bring it on!

Guv: I'd read that.

Oh wait, this is Katrocket's blog, not mine...oops...

katrocket said...

Zibbs - Every day with you makes me a winner!

Gnugs - WTF? Joe the Plumber commercials?!! The same Joe the Plumber who says he hates being a media star and also, may not even be a plumber? Bring it on!

WendyB - me too me too!!! I don't date losers, so I enjoy reading stories about people who do.

Imaginary Reviewer: you can guest blog on Rocketradio anytime you want - your guest commenting was FABULOUS, so you've got the gig.

red - Do it! He needs the motivation.

guvner: Hey, my blog is all about made-up shit. I hope it's "fun" too.

beckeye: When does the new season begin? I could send you some episodes of Canadian Idol in the meantime.

James said...

Guilty! I have written posts that fit in all 12 categories. You should be happy. I've been thinking about posting about my mortgage and that's a guaranteed snoozer!

John Donald Carlucci said...

I'm going to keep to stick with #12 Kat.



pistols at dawn said...

Um, what would my blog be without #4, besides "effing empty?"

And most of those stories aren't even about us. I've dressed up like Napoleon with a lot of women.

And in my defense, I'm only 3 out of 4 on the "bitter, needy, neurotic and unlovable" chart.