Thursday, October 30, 2008

My pre-election rant

I've been following the U.S. election very closely over the past couple of months, and I usually keep my trap shut on this blog - mostly out of respect for my beloved American friends, and a concern that my acerbic opinions may hurt some feelings. Americans - you're super sexy, and I love you unconditionally, but I can no longer stay silent about this: I'm really annoyed with all the news reports regarding long line-ups and technical problems with the voting machines at the early polling stations this week.

Could someone please explain to me why this shit is happening?!!

I mean, thanks to the American media's inability to shut the hell up about it, the whole world has known about this election for a couple of years now. And since there were faulty machines and hotly contested votes during the last election, one would assume that the people who designed (and charge money to maintain) these wonders of technology would've gotten off their asses during the past four years and worked out the bugs.

Of course it's way more convenient to blame the voters themselves with lame excuses like "operator error", but that's ridiculous. Sure, there's always some dumbasses in the mix, but if citizens honestly can't figure out how to push a button or two, perhaps that says something about your fucking polling machines.

Not to brag, but we just had a federal election in Canada (Oct 14). It was called 45 days before election day. There were 5 candidates for Prime Minister, and one televised debate. It might seem quaint, but like most countries in the world, we still vote the old-fashioned way - by marking an 'X' on a little square of paper that contains a list of the candidates names. You simply put your 'X' in the little circle - or if you're retarded, you can put a scribble or a line or a smiley face in the circle, and it still counts. If you can't colour inside the lines, or go apeshit with the pencil and mark more than one circle, it's a spoiled ballot. When you're done, some official government person puts your little folded up paper in a sealed cardboard box with a slot on the top. No tampering, no cheating, no gray areas.

There are thousands of polling stations (sometimes three or four in one neighbourhood) so not a single polling station had a line-up the size of a theme-park ride. We don't even have to be registered in order to vote - you just show your ID, or something with your name and address on it, like a utility bill. The cost of the entire process was approximately 3 million dollars, and yes, a whole lot of trees gave their lives for all the paper ballots. Don't worry too much about that - all the paper gets recycled.

Go ahead and poke fun at our simple ways, but when a winner was finally declared, there were no controversies about bizarro polling machines that choose the red guy when you really wanted to vote for the blue guy. There were no stories of voters being turned away because the polls closed while they were standing in line for several hours. The entire election process was over and done with in just six weeks.

So I'm asking my American readers to enlighten me. Please help me understand all this voting machine nonsense. What the hell has happened to you guys? Was it all that cocaine in the 80s? Remember the good old days when you put a MAN ON THE MOON before anyone knew what the hell a computer was? You invented the fucking AUTOMOBILE for chrissakes, during an era when very few people were educated beyond the basics of reading and writing. So how is it even possible that your brightest minds can't invent a polling machine that works?

I realize it's none of my concern how you handle your elections, but whether I like it or not, your policies, trade agreements and wars affect my existence, too. If McCain gets in, I'm just as fucked as you are, and this is now the third close-race election in a row where the outcome may not be entirely accurate.

So if you'd like to continue calling yourselves "the leader of the free world" or "the best country ever", or some other delusional self-congratulatory phrase, please tell the idiots in charge of your elections to stop being so laughably incompetent.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Let me vendortain you

Snappy tunes,
Sexy moves,
Billy Sims in flight,
Cockroach dance party,
and a giant egg-laying eagle.

They all await you at Fire That Agency!

Monday, October 27, 2008

My Big Wicked Online Pageant entry

Beth over at Cup of Coffey is holding a Big Wicked Online Pageant - you just scan a photo of a Hallowe'en costume from your past, then post your link in her comment thread (but be a sport and buy her a drink first.)

Here's my entry:

"Alien host chicken"

We have a winner!

Dress Me Up contest results

There were lots of terrific costume suggestions:

Surviving Myself - sexy toaster

SO24 - sexy baked potato, sexy LiteBrite, sexy Tetris piece, sexy Chupacabra, plus some whining about no one taking him seriously (2 bonus points!)

Falwless - ceiling fan ("go ceilings!"), infant clownfish

Steakbellie - [classified!]

BeckEye - Q-Tip (not the rapper), sexy Q-Tip (the rapper)

Skyler's Dad - David Duchovny ("just hit on everything that moves") - this got a laugh from the jury, so Skydad gets an honourable mention

Dr. Zibbs - asked me to help him stalk me on Flickr in lieu of submitting a costume idea. 5 bonus points!

JDC - sexy nudist

Pistols At Dawn - unsexy Catholic girl... "Like that's even possible." (It is possible, Pistols - rent Superstar with Mary Catherine Gallagher).

Leonesse - a princess (I seriously considered this one, since I'm very unPrincesslike, and it would've been pretty funny)

James - sexy bag lady or scary Madonna. The jury worships Madonna, even the scary one, so this got a "boooooooo". (3 bonus points!)

T - "Go as yourself... -it can't get any sexier!" aaaaaaw shucks, thanks T! Honourable mention and 3 bonus points for flattery.

Jana - Aunt Jemima (would result in lost friendships, social leprosy, and a severe beating, but thanks anyway) or a scarecrow.

R is for Reading - Moi Rene... this was really entertaining. It's too obscure to pull off, but thanks a million for introducing me to Miss Honey! (5 bonus points!)

The Idea of Progress - a McKenzie brother. It's Bob & Doug, not "Bob & Dave", although the actor who plays Doug is Dave Thomas, so that was "a beauty way to go, eh"

Ask Alice - Sarah Palin. I think this will be a very popular costume this year, but I don't want to be shunned at the party. I also don't think I could stand hearing myself talk like that all night.

Imaginary Reviewer - Don Cherry. Great suggestion - because once again, I get to keep the Wilfred Brimley moustache. (2 bonus points!)


These are all very creative ideas, but I've decided to go with one of my own - Rich Uncle Moneybags Pennybags (thanks Pistols) from the Monopoly game.

It's a good choice for me, since I already have a top hat, cane and a suit, and it means I won't have to shave off my awesome Wilfred Brimley moustache.




As promised, I put all the entrants names in a hat (actually, it was an all-gay jury, so we used a stylish ceramic candy dish from Pottery Barn) and asked my esteemed jury to pull a name at random.

The winner of a superfly BBJ prize is
BeckEye of The Pop Eye
Please contact the management to claim your prize.

Congratulations BeckEye, and thanks to all the contest participants.




Stay tuned for my next holiday-theme contest: "Which of Katrocket's relatives will get a Christmas gift this year?" (There can be only one.)

Friday, October 24, 2008

a hat trick of hotties!

Just when you thought no one would post anything good on a Friday, awesome new blog Fire That Agency! turns the beat around and brings you a hat trick of hotties* to prime you for the weekend:

The Guv'ner is back,
and she's talkin' smack
about douchebags!




BeckEye patrols the tough streets
of New York for a shakedown of
pit-proud bitches!






Ask Alice lets her fingers do the talking!








Oh, and Pistols is there too, serving up guns 'n' geetars with a chaser of "the watery-est water in town".




I dare you to find a better entertainment value on one blog (that your company's firewall will allow you to view).

*Today's post is brought to you in part by Advertising Rule # 1: Sex sells.


REMINDER: today is the final day to enter the Dress Me Up contest... Operation Costumization takes place this weekend, when our jury of esteemed costume experts will help decide who walks away with a fabuolus prize from BBJ!

The jury:

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

new kids on the blog*

there's a new blog in town:

Fire That Agency!

because a mind is a terrible thing to waste at work.





* worst post title ever

Thursday, October 16, 2008

You can dress me up (but you can't take me anywhere)

I'll be attending a Hallowe'en party on Oct. 31 and I'm having some trouble coming up with an idea for a costume this year, so I'm asking for your help.... and this time there's a REAL PRIZE up for grabs!

The criteria:
1. No rented costumes.
2. Preferably something I can make myself for under $25
3. Must be easy to get in & out of
4. Must not contain the word "sexy" (i.e. - sexy angel, sexy devil, sexy construction worker) - I already got it goin' on people, so desperate cries for attention shall not be required.

So leave your brilliant suggestions in the comment thread, and if yours is chosen, you'll win a tasty one-of-a-kind keychain or Original Belt Buckle (your choice) from our slamtastic style sponsor, Barbie's Basement Jewellery, featuring the icon of your choice! Check out their awesome catalog, you're gonna find something you love. If you're not already the envy of all your friends, this will put you right over the top.



The Winner will be announced on Friday, October 24th, and just so we're clear, the winner will be asked to e-mail me their shipping address so I can send the prize. There's no skill-testing questions (lucky for you), but if you're not willing to provide your address, please don't enter the contest and toy with my mind.



In the event that all your ideas suck and I end up going with my own creation, all entrants' names will go into a hat and one will be drawn randomly by Canada's famous Glitterwhores, Trixie & Beever of BBJ (pictured at left).

Did I just say that out loud?


convenience
Originally uploaded by Katrocket.

I'm waiting in a long line-up at my tiny neighbourhood convenience store. The store is packed, and the staff is changing shifts. The man at the front of the line is trying to open a video rental account and is arguing with Claude (pictured here). The man has no identification and no credit card, so Claude is refusing him an account. Those are the boss' rules, so he's just doing his job.

Everyone's impatient and frustrated. Not because Video dude is holding up the line, but because we're all forced to listen to the most obnoxious conversation between a young college gal and her boyfriend.

The woman has a loud nasal voice that's more piercing that Fran Drescher and Mary Hart put together. She's openly and emphatically complaining that her co-workers think she's stupid. She's ranting that she doesn't get enough respect in the office, and she's smarter than the rest of them so they really should listen to her. They're all jealous of her because she's beautiful and sexy and they are tired, fat, old hags. In each of her sentences, every third word is "like" and every fifth word is "fuckin'". Her boyfriend says nothing, he just nods and looks around. He appears embarrassed and seems to be looking for an escape route.

I think to myself: Perhaps they are jealous of your astounding vocabulary?

Everyone in the store turns and looks at me. A few people stifle their giggles. She stares at me open mouthed.

Oh shit - did I just say that out loud?

[If you just got deja vu, this story was originally published on Oct 20/06. I'm reposting it for That Blue Yak. Claude is now retired. That silly cunt in the store still lives in my building, and gives me the stinkeye everytime I run into her. I still have a big mouth.]

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Operation: F#ck this Sh!t contest winners!!

Sorry for the long wait, but the Rocketradio jury panel (two cats and my drunk French neighbour, pictured at left) took forever pouring over the mountain of entries received - hoardes of disallusioned Americans seeking out comfort in The North. It all makes me wish I owned a groovy motel so I could harbour every single one of you and make a documentary about it. But alas, there were only three spots (with some special provisions - see below)... and the winners are:



1. John Donald Carlucci of Democracy Hypocrisy
JDC is a new Rocketreader, but his submission was everything I had hoped for in a houseguest - he adores cold winters, he's a talented artist/writer, plus he's down with both the metric system AND the Quebecois, so an astounding (and likely illegal) score from the French judge put him well ahead of all contenders. Congratulations JDC - please bring pyjamas because I've got strict rules about lounging around in yer gitch.

2. IT'S A TIE!

Chris & Dagmar of The Radloffs' Random Midnight Thoughts
The Radloffs have been long time friends of Rocketradio, and their heartwrenching story of a failed emigration attempt to Kitchener earns them a place where they can finally be free of viscious dogs, poor healthcare, and asshole neighbours. My neighbour may be a drunk, but he's no asshole. Plus, Dagmar is Austrian, which means she's probably an excellent cook/baker, and I need someone around to enable my constant need for streudel.

Bluzlover of Bouncing Around In My Head.
As for Bluzlover - he seems abuntantly agreeable, claims to be house trained, and unlike the rest of you, he's willing to give up everything he has for a sweet taste of frozen glamour.

3. James of Heavy: Lift With Caution
For his fine appreciation of "killer bud", his beautiful mind, his ability to Rock, and his ├╝berimpressive gardening skills. My French neighbour is an exceptional gardener as well, and chose James as the final house guest after reviewing photos of The Ghetto Garden and then sobbing uncontrollably for 20 minutes because he only has a 75 square foot patch of concrete balcony to work with.

Special Provisions have been made for two more entries:

1. Leonesse - because I gave away her room without consulting her on the matter. Bitch is nevah home! Anyways, Leonesse - you know none of these winners will be able to tolerate me longer than 3 weeks, so your Plan B is still safe.

2. Steakbellie - the most intriguing entry we received has inspired a prototype outreach program that could change lives:

"I come with a lot of baggage. The wife, the kids, the dogs, the lizards, the whole competitive eating thing. Is there an option where I live here, but under Canadian rules or something? Can telecommuting or arm wrestling somehow help me here????"

Do you have room in your backyard for a 30 foot trailer and a Canada Customs kiosk? If so, we're sending a task force to Philly to erect (tee hee) the first ever offshore "Canadian Bubble" (aka "The Cubble") in your backyard. Based on the concept of Petoria from Family Guy, we're prepared to annex a portion of your property to the Commonwealth of Canada. When you go out the backdoor (tee hee), you and your family will be welcomed to Canada by Immigration Officials (who need to borrow your lawn chairs, by the way), where the splendour of our nation awaits you in the form of a moderately attractive Airstream trailer, painted red and white like a big ol' Tylenol and plastered with Maple Leaf stickers. The cool part is that the interior of the trailer has been pimped out like a log cabin, and the fridge is full of (really really good) beer.

Rocketradio would like to thank all contest participants, and not thank those of you who let the metric system stand in the way of your dreams for a better life.

I've got a new contest coming up tomorrow - a REAL contest with a REAL prize!! No metric!

I shit you not. Come back tomorrow!....

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

LIVE BLOGGING: Canada Votes!

6:43 p.m. - I'm thinking about live blogging the Canadian election results as the votes are counted. I've never "live blogged" anything before. Maybe it'll be neat-o? I had fun that one time when Chris live blogged Steakbellie at the Wing Bowl. Then again, this election is nowhere near as entertaining as Wing Bowl. Just look at that majestic mutherfucker on the left. Yeah, I'd rather vote for that guy.

7:16 p.m. - On second thought, who the hell would want to read an incredibly boring play-by-play of Canadian election results?

7:18 P.M. - Lots of people! Okay.... two people!

7:23 p.m. - But all my readers are Americans, which is crazy, because ask anyone - I used to hate Americans. You have all shown me how to love you again. Or at the very least, tolerate you again.

7:47 p.m. - Oh wait, House is on tonight. I can take a break, right? Just check in during the commercials?

7:54 p.m. - What? This shit doesn't roll until 10pm? How long do I have to stay up?

8:03 P.M. Oooh! Rick Mercer Election Special is on. I love Rick Mercer. I wish he was running for Prime Minister. He's interviewing Elizabeth May of the Green Party. She's telling an awesome story about baking cookies for her crush Bill Clinton when she was 17 years old and he was 26 and they were working on some campaign together. She's wicked cool, but a makeover wouldn't hurt.

8:25 P.M. - Peter Mansbridge is making toast. Searched Google for a photo of Peter Mansbridge. Grossed myself right out and decided to go with a link to Wikipedia instead.

8:27 P.M. - What?? Blogger has an outage scheduled at 8PM P.D.T.? What's that in Canada time? But don't they realize what I have planned??? I mean, I've been planning this for....oh... about 90 minutes now. Fuckers.

8:39 P.M. - What kind of wine should I pair with election night? Man, I wish The Idea of Progress was here. He would know. I bet he'd say something true, but witty, like "white goes best with swine". I'm more of a red lover. That's right Red and Red, you heard me.

8:49 P.M. - Okay screw this, I'll come back after I watch House. I wonder if he'll cure some mysterious rare disease and show people their true selves by acting out in an unacceptable and anti-social manner? Oh god I hope so.

8:53 P.M. - I'm posting this photo because I have a huge crush on Hugh Laurie.

9:12 P.M. Dammit. House isn't on because the election is on every channel. Duh.

10:33 P.M. - Thinking of the Guvner and having some pie.
10:40 P.M. - Okay, so it's looking like a Conservative minority government, which is exactly what we have right now. I'm tired and it's a sad moment indeed when you're making fucking pie charts to spice up your terrible election coverage.

10:48 P.M. - I don't recommend live blogging.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Grant is... Facebook

I've written several times about my on-again/off-again relationship with Facebook, but I have to admit that I ended up keeping my account for one reason only: for the awesome privilege of being Grant Miller's friend.

Grant's comedic writing is quite legendary on Blogger, but if you're not on Facebook, you're missing out on some of his best material. Mr. Miller's 'status update', a Twitter-ish feature that asks users "what are you doing right now?" is almost always the single most hilarious sentence I read all day.

I've been stalking compiling Grant's best status updates to share with those of you who are not on facebook, do not own a computer, or cannot be friends with Grant for political, religious, or medical reasons. The following material is intellectual (?) property of Grant Miller Media, and is reproduced here without permission from the author.

Status Updates by Grant Miller

Grant would never write about himself in the third person.

Grant thinks you'd really like today's "Marmaduke".

Grant tries to impress you by talking in a deep voice.

Grant is grooming his poodle.

Grant sweats when he talks to you.

Grant believes all Craigslist personals are about him.

Grant feels like you don't even know him sometimes.

Grant is ripping the sleeves off his t-shirts to make more muscle shirts.

Grant is sitting outside your house, waiting for you to come out so he can accidentally bump into you.

Grant thinks your house looks very nice from the outside.

Grant is standing in front of the mirror, practicing what he wants to say to you.

Grant is carving your likeness out of Ivory soap.

Grant is thinking of you in an inappropriate way.

Grant is seeing how his name would look with your last name.

Grant is looking through bridal catalogs!!! Hint! Hint! Hint!

Grant is casually mentioning he's free this weekend, hoping you notice.

Grant is cutting eye holes in a restaurant menu so he can discreetly watch you while you eat.

Grant likes what you're wearing today. A lot. A lot lot.

Grant is writing in his journal about you again.

Grant is crossing out your name over and over and over again as tears fall down his cheeks.

Grant is cutting up old pictures of you while quietly weeping.

Grant wishes he hadn't cut up all those pictures of you.

Giving thanks for a Harper-free Canada

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada, that special time of year when I pull out the creepy turkeyboy ceramic centrepiece for all to enjoy:

It's also Columbus Day in the United States. I'll never understand how such a shitty town in Ohio can earn itself a national holiday, but it's just one more thing on a long list of stuff I don't get about Americans.

Speaking of Americans, exhaustive media coverage of the U.S. election has overshadowed our own elections, which take place tomorrow. I cannot possibly top the awesome 40th Canadian General Election post written by Dan at The Other Side of Normal, so just go and read his.



And for fuck sake people, especially all you students out there, please get off your ass and vote. This kitten-choking douchebag on the left could stand to win again, but there's a million of you, and you have the power to collectively turf the Conservatives out of office. And if I cannot convince you, maybe Rick Mercer can:


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Monday, October 6, 2008

Stereoscope

Nuit Blanche took place here on Saturday night, and this was my favourite: Project Blinkenlights' Stereoscope exhibit at Toronto City Hall.

Project Blinkenlights are digital performance artists (Tim Pritlove and Thomas Fiedler) from Berlin, Germany. More project info here.

In addition to the visuals in this clip, they rigged up gigantic classic arcade games of Pong and Space Invaders that any two people can play using their regular cellphones. Pretty amazing stuff!

Artists' website: http://www.blinkenlights.net/

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

8-word poem: FOR STEVE CARATZAS




I'll bet you thought
I forgot about this.


Riding the Poll: Idiots rule!

The results are in, and according to the sciencey data in the sidebar poll, an overwhelming 80% of Rocketreaders are Idiots. I could not be more pleased about this, since I'm an Idiot too, but let's not ignore the strong 20% Coward minority. I embrace you, beautiful chickenshits!

In case any of you were sitting on the fence,
here's your last chance to
push

the

red

button.