From: Daniel Craig (email@example.com)
Sent: Wednesday, February 18, 2009 2:28:33 PM
Subject: Alright darlin'?
its your lover boy toy daniel here keeping it real on the english side of the pond. i've been thinking about you a lot. my knob's been chafed and sore with all the thinking i've been doing. i'm aktualy busy on a new film at the mo which is garanteed to get me one of them oscar things everybody raves about. cuz i'm a serious actor you know. in the film I play dorothy, who's a big, oinky fat chick, like REALLY fat wiv a little head on top of a mountain of wobbly flesh like jabba and she gets sick of being laughed at and becomes the worlds first big porker-sized superhero innit. She like does great stuff like bring Big Macs to fat people who can't get out of bed without a forklift and help them lift there folds so they can wipe there tiddlers innit. i have to wear a fat suit of course as i'm just rippling with the muscles and ligatures and stuff in real life and way too fit to be a fat chick. i ain't got no pussy neither! so yeh that suit is hot as fak but you can totally have a boner in that suit and nobody even knows. i kept a bottle of liquor in there too aktualy. even when i was a fat chick i thought about you Kat. in fact that's when i found out about the boner thing. enclosed is a promo photo of me in character in case fat chicks are wot does it for you.
still hard for you
From: Kat Rocket (firstname.lastname@example.org)
To: Daniel Craig (email@example.com)
Sent: Wednesday, February 25, 2009 7:57:02 AM
Subject: More to Love, Darling
Well loverboy, you're no John Travolta - in the sense that I'm not sufficiently turned off to the point where I will no longer watch your films. BeckEye will most certainly hurt me for saying that, but thankfully for me, she's far away. And as you know, I have always applauded any suit that allows the concealment of both alcohol and boners, regardless of how utterly unstylish that suit may be. That's how I fell in love with the Snuggie, after all.
I really look forward to seeing you in this challenging new role, and I hope it brings you closer to your Oscar dream (not that one about you and Jack Klugman playing in the bouncy castle - I'm referring to the one where you win an Oscar award.)
Chunk it up, baby!
Much love from Kat