Monday, April 13, 2009

Praising The Lego Jesus, and Other Short Stories

The following short stories are furnished at the request of one of my favourite new bloggers, Mr. London Street

All hail the Lego JesusBuilding a Blockier Jesus
by Katrocket

How many times have you thought that maybe your life would be a bit sweeter if only someone would just build you a giant Jesus out of Lego?

Well, some very creative Swedish folks have just unveiled their awesome Lego Jesus to the world, and the world has replied: "Wow - that's nice, but WTF is going on with that giant freaky foot there?"

Parishioners of the Oensta Gryta Church in Vaesteras (near Stockholm) built a 6 foot Jesus out of 30,000 Lego blocks. It reportedly took 40 volunteers nearly 18 months to put all the tiny plastic blocks together and grossly overestimate His sandal size.

It got me to thinking: if someone gave you 30,000 white lego blocks, what would you build with them? Feel free to share your Lego masterpiece ideas in the comment thread.

A Letter from Gwen
by Katrocket

I couldn't wait to read her colourful letter, so I opened it in my apartment lobby while I waited for the elevator. The lift opened, I walked in, read her note, and laughed out loud, which brought some puzzled stares from the two other residents in the elevator with me. I flashed them her card with a big smile and gushed: "My friend is a whore."


How All the Change Changed My Life
by Katrocket

Due to an extensive series of unforeseen budget miscalculations (i.e. - I have never made and/or followed a budget), I realized yesterday that I'm flat broke right now. I knew I wasn't going to make it to payday later this week without selling something, like my soul, or perhaps - if I'm really lucky - just my dignity.

I desperately needed money for bus fare, so I started sifting through the big coin jar on my desk for a mittful of quarters, and that's when it hit me: Hey idiot, THESE COINS ARE MONEY!

I remembered there's one of those automated coin counting machines in a supermarket near my office. Maybe I had enough spare change to round up a few dollars and make life a little bit more comfortable for the next few days?

And so began The Reaping of The Coin. I found a surprising stash of coin-filled chalices all over my apartment... pennies packed into mason jars, plastic yogurt containers, flowerpots, even an old fish bowl. Somehow I had amassed over 16 pounds of mixed coins! I know this because I put all the coins in one giant sturdy bag and then weighed them on a scale. Quantitative facts can be important later, when I'm explaining the genesis of my hernia to a healthcare professsional.

I just cashed-in during my lunch break today, and victory is mine! Somehow, out of sheer financial laziness, I had saved up $224.86 in spare change.

The End.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Is it just me, or does it look like Jesus is doing the Electric Slide?

Mr London Street said...

Absolute, absolute genius!

Every time I have ever counted up loose change I've then done the sums and worked out that it pays less than the minimum wage. But I'm a slow counter (at least I think that's what I overheard someone calling me recently).

Soda and Candy said...

Lego Jesus rules.

My Lego masterpiece? Maybe a Lego portrait of YOU, katrocket... if it will win me a fancy belt like Gwen's.

SkylersDad said...

Only 18 months eh? And in all that time nobody noticed the foot, or that his left hand is at least twice as big as his right?

And I am Fed-Exing you spare change as we speak, because that seems like a really great return on my investment.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Loose change is the greatest life saver ever. I wouldn't be alive today without loose change.

Bluzlover said...

I've done the change thing several times myself. I always feel like a little kid walking into the bank with my baggie full of pennies, nickels and dimes...not that feeling like a little kid is a bad thing. I think it's very courteous of you to sleep with your friend even though she is a whore. For some, that is the icing on the cake.

Gwen said...

I'm a whore! Internationally!

(I wonder how Lego Jesus feels about me? He's probably so shocked he's blocked up.)

Lulu LaBonne said...

Do you think they got snow blindness making it?

That giant foot tells us that he is a mollusc Jesus - Our Lord of the Snails


James said...

Somehow I think there's more to that story...

Like, "I had saved up $224.86 in spare change...and then promptly blew it all at the arcade."

Eric said...

Did they say if the Lego Jesus is hollow? If the center is filled with white lego blocks, I would imagine it weighs too much to move around.

katrocket said...

mjenks: It's not just you. Jesus has all the old skool moves.

Mr London Street: Well, even the coin machine takes a 9.8% cut of the total, so I paid a fee of roughly $22 CDN to have all that change counted. I still think it's a good deal, since it only took 7 minutes, and I didn't have to count a single penny myself.

Soda & Candy: Ha! NICE TRY. You can have a beaver buckle of your own - simply purchase one from! I'm not the "free buckle bitch", but I'm currently negotiating some BBJ prizes for an upcoming contest, so you can enter to WIN a beaver buckle. If you can't wait, just write to and I'll send you a discount coupon that you can use in their online shop.

Skydad: Yeah, it turns out I'm a wicked brilliant investment manager!

Tenny ee Hemmy: It sounds like you also know what 16 pounds of change feels like.

Bluzlover: I think more folks should consider sleeping with whores. They really know what they're doing.

Gwen: You really don't have to be a whore to impress me, but it helps (especially with Jesus).

LuLu: Snow blindness is an unfortunate side effect of building false idols, because Jesus loves irony.

James: You know me so well! (Is "arcade" our new code word for "pot dealer"?)

Eric: Hi - and thanks for visiting!The article mentions that the Lego Jesus will remain permanently on display in that church, which is where it was built. There was no mention in the article about whether or not the Lego Jesus is empty inside, but that's a debate best left to the theologians.

Bitterly Books said...

Oh, man, that Lego Jesus would look totally boss in between the Mohammed statue I made out of Lincoln Logs and the life-sized Moses built out of Construx.

Phronk said...

The giant foot is actually's the relevant passage:

As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And God did say, "Jesus! What the fuck is with that foot?" (Matthew 3:16)

I just realized I'm broke too. The piggy bank I've had since I was 12 probably has lots of money, but I can't even lift it to get the coins out.

Dale said...

Did I ever tell you of my love affair with the Coinstar machine? It's real baby!