Tuesday, July 21, 2009

All-Nude Review!

Okay - not the kind of all-nude review you were hoping for, but it got you over here pretty fast I bet.

It's not a total lie. I wrote this entire review in the nude.

Raccoon Gang Warfare Continues: Spent last Saturday at the Beeverdeck again, fending off critter assaults from all sides. One particular mother raccoon and her family of four juvenile bandits kept insisting on joining us for dinner, but we were having none of it. Beever has made vast advances in the field of Critter Artillery with her patented "Busted Up Tiki Torch Pole". Please note: some raccoon gang members actually enjoy playing with the business end of a busted up tiki torch pole, and may invite more of their friends to come around for games night.



How I Met The Imaginary Reviewer: It's true, I finally got a peek behind the question mark sack! Mr. Imaginary Reviewer is not only devastatingly handsome and intellectually brilliant, but he's even funnier in real life. And he proved himself a local hero by joining the Beevers and myself on the front lines at the Battle of Beeverdeck. Armed only with a spear of asparagus and dry British humour, he put those raccoons back in their place: mocking us from the other side of the fence.





Transit Lessons Learned from the Homeless: Yesterday I was on the subway train to work and the car was really crowded - no seats to be had. That all changed when a homeless guy got on the train at Bloor station, muttering things to himself and then suddenly yelling loudly and taking a swipe at the invisible forces around him. Then like Moses parting the Red Sea, the crowd gently retreated further and further away from him, leaving their seats empty, and providing ample swiping room for his formidable presence. He got a seat (well, three seats actually) and nobody dared challenge him on it.

I've decided I'm totally going to try this someday.

17 comments:

Eric said...

Those are such vicious animals...
the homeless

kidding.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Might I recommend, for the raccoon, getting one of those live have-a-heart traps. You bait them with something tasty--a cookie or some corn or an apple--and then the cage live traps the raccoons and they can't get out. Very humane.

Then, take a 55 gallon garbage can, fill it up with water, and drop the cage into it.

You might need a larger cage for the homeless dude.

BeckEye said...

Wait...so the Imaginary Reviewer is a real guy? Wow. My image of him is totally blown.

SkylersDad said...

You probably look too well kept up to play the swiping homeless card (am I right?), so I would go with 3 or 4 voices in my head person. Additional points for public urination.

WendyB said...

I think it sucks that when raccoons come over for a meal, they don't bring anything. Not a bottle of wine, not a peach cobbler...nothing. Selfish bastards.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

A good time was certainly had by the Imaginary Reviewer, and a review of the evening shall be forthcoming!

Incidentally, those barbecued raccoon burgers we had were delicious!

Tony Spunk said...

Hey that homeless guy was me, in town to romance my Rocket Sweetie. And I needed three seats for my giant spherical balls. Were you avoiding me? My bud the Reviewer is confusing me though, how can he review the evening? Doesn't this make it imaginary? I'm confused.

Soda and Candy said...

Hoboes know what's up.

I am jealous of you getting to meet the Imaginary Reviewer; I'll just have to imagine that I have met him.

Gwen said...

This is just a thought, but maybe y'all should use a non-busted tiki torch and light it when you're fencing with the raccoons.

So jealous that you got to meet TIR. I can't even imagine how fun that was. (See what I did there?)

mylittlebecky said...

racoons are sneaky. next thing you know there going to change into their little jehovah’s witness outfits and start ringing the doorbell. better keep the tikki at hand.

James said...

"I wrote this entire review in the nude."

That's funny. I read this entire review in the nude.

PS. Have you tried pepper spray on your adorable raccoon tormentors? It might not work, but it sure would be cute to see them rubbing at their eyes with their little paws. Almost like they were crying...

Lulu LaBonne said...

Being mad is the way forward. A mad guy sat next to me on a train once and started rabbiting on at me, I did a bit of crazy talk back - it freaked him out and he wandered off to bother someone else.

That might work with the raccoons - can you out-raccoon a raccoon?

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Oh yeah. Also a good excuse if you don't have time for a shower!!

katrocket said...

eric: ha! Well, he smelled a bit vicious...

mjenks: I can't believe you would ask me to share my cookies with the Enemy. I like your moxie though.

BeckEye: Okay, you got me. In reality, we had dinner with a cardboard cutout of Homer Simpson with a bag over his head.

Skyler's Dad: That's a good point - I really AM too classy-looking to convince people I'm homeless. But I can do crazy like nobody's business, and you know how much I love peeing in public.

WendyB: I know!!! You'd think they were raised by wild animals! Pffff.

Imaginary Reviewer: We had a great time - hope we can hang out again soon, and we insist that you bring the missus next time, or we'll start to think she's Imaginary as well. ;)

TONY!!! You can't fool me - that wasn't you on the bus. He smelled like poo, but you always smell like Stetson. Irresistable.

Soda & Candy: Thank you for reminding me how much I love the word "hobo".

Gwen: It's easy to be jealous of me for so many reasons, I can't believe it took dinner with TIR to finally get the attention I so desperately crave from you.

mylittlebecky: ha ha! I would have gladly welcomed a JW shakedown. Instead, they surrounded us and started chanting "One of us! One of us!"

James: Rrrowr! I hope your brave confession encourages others to read my blog in the nude. And it's funny you mention pepper spray - the entire Beevergarden (which you would LOVE - it's amazing!) is covered in a fine rust hue of cayenne pepper, but the raccoons still frolick in it nightly, so apparently they like their salad all spicy.

Lulu: I'm already studying their bandit ways! I've taken to wearing a black mask lately so I can get inside their heads and destroy them from within.

Tennyson: I hadn't thought of it that way, but I might have to use that excuse - all this blogging lately leaves me with so little time for personal hygiene.

The Peach Tart said...

Damn I'm trying that one too when I have to stand on the train and a gentleman won't give me a seat. I'll just start giving people the finger and muttering to myself giving people the evil eye.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Fricken racoons. After I rid the planet of all the tentacled sea creatures they are next on my list. I don't put out tasty garbage just so they can spread it all over the alley like its a buffet spread. I do it to appease my Hobo overlords.

katrocket said...

Peach TartL That's generous! I could never give up either of my evil eyes. I need em both.

Calvin: I wonder if the hobo overlords would like some free raccoons?