Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Beever, 1; Raccoon, 0

Last weekend, I was minding my own business, enjoying a late afternoon cocktail at the Beeverdeck of Lesbieville, when I fell victim to an attempted robbery.

I had left my purse unattended next to my chair for less than a minute while I went back into the house to refresh my Rumonade (my fancy epicurist term for rum and lemonade). I didn't think it was a big deal, because the Beeverdeck has always been a secure and private fortress for drunk-minded individuals. One can only access its discreet rooftop location from the front door of the Beever Glitter Palace, which is heavily guarded by the smoking riff-raff hanging out in front of the landromat next door.

Then I heard Beever outside yelling at someone on the deck, making large noises and screaming "get outta here!" I went to see what the commotion was, and discovered that Beever had thwarted a robbery in progress! A renegade raccoon was digging through my purse and attempting to make off with my wallet, keys, and cell phone.

The rebel raccoon gangs of Lesbieville are well known to the locals for their sneaky, phone-snatching ways and their fierce courage in the shrieking face of humanity. They have always been cheeky little buggers, but their numbers have rapidly increased since the city workers went on strike three weeks ago and all garbage collection was ceased. The urban critters we have learned to co-exist with have broken an unwritten pact to carry out their home invasions after dark. Fortified by protein-rich garbage feasts, they've gotten all ballsy and taken back their land, along with many of the cherished human possessions that lie within it.


But not this little masked fucker. Little did he know of my strong alliance with the Beevers. They are the first line of Kat defense, and if you do somehow manage to get past them, you'll have the Dastardly Squirrel and his fearsome Squirrel Army to reckon with:


So let this be a lesson to all you daredevil ringtailed rat bandits out there: do not mess with the Beevers and Kats, or so help me god, we will blog the hell outta you.

18 comments:

Bill Stankus said...

Oh god, I foresee gang warfare. And it won't be pretty.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

At least he was wearing the appropriate mask for burgling.

And really...haven't you ever watched the Simpsons? He was just looking for some smokes.

Some Guy said...

You need to stop keeping all that rotting garbage in your purse. Raccoons eat that shit up. Literally.

WendyB said...

I bet the squirrel I encountered is associated with this criminal gang:
http://wendybrandes.com/blog/2009/06/good-squirrelbad-squirrel/

Lana said...

i want to know where's the bouncer for the beaver glitter palace? probably out looking for acorns in a tree or something.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

This garbage strike is really giving the raccoons extra boldness. The bastards.

Eric said...

Racoons... sneaky little bastards!

miss. chief said...

what a jerk, all you wanted was a little rumonade and you turn your back for three seconds...

p.s. that second picture of the squirrel in the hat is AWESOME, haha

SkylersDad said...

Little bastard, taunting you with his equally opposable thumbs...

Soda and Candy said...

"the shrieking face of humanity"...

absolute gold from start to finish... thieving little creepy-hands bastard.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Uh huh.

How much of this "Ruminade" exactly did you consume here?

BeckEye said...

Man, I wish I had a squirrel army.

Cora said...

Ruminade, you say?

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

squirrels with lightsabers? now why weren't they in the new Star Wars movies?

Stewie said...

If you catch the little bastard, I'm quite sure I can hook you with some delicious recipes.

Gwen said...

Is there room on Beeverdeck for a tent and an air mattress? If so, I will be setting up camp Friday around 5. Coolio? Coolio. See you then.

Also, Rumonade sounds suspiciously like a Gwentini which is made of two parts Bacardi Limon and three parts Minute Maid Pomegranate Lemonade. You should try it and tell me what you think. It has antioxidants! Gwentini's are good for you! Swearsies!

trixie + beever said...

Oh, I've had it now. As revenge for my fearsome hissing and our team efforts to repel them again last night, the raccoons molested our beautiful new perennial.

Hey Gwen, there's room for a tent, but you'll want a fly made of chicken wire.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Is there some kind of portable racoon-trap that might fit in your handbag for next time? Although if you've got a squirrel army bearing lightsabers, I suppose you won't have need of one.