Thursday, September 10, 2009

Welcome to Toronto. Please watch your step.

I accidentally got on the wrong streetcar yesterday because I wasn't really paying attention. A minor detour took me a few blocks further south than I wanted to go, but it also gave me this story to post.

A young couple with a tiny baby got on the streetcar in front of the Art Gallery, with a tourist map in hand and looking totally confused. The Husband approached the streetcar driver for directions and was quickly waved away with a brisk grunt, so when they seated themselves in front of me, I asked them if they needed any help.

They happily accepted my offer, so the Husband and I mapped out their route, and he confessed that this was his first visit to Toronto, and remarked that everyone was "much friendlier than in New York". I asked if he was from New York. He was from South Carolina, but the Wife hailed from Utica, NY, and came here often to visit her sister.

They told me how much they loved Toronto, how friendly and helpful our people have been, and how our city was so clean and beautiful. I felt really proud of my city at that moment, even though it smelled like shit. Literally. There was an intense sewage stench in the air and I assumed we had stopped next to a sewer grate, or maybe it was the evildoing of their small infant...

But being the awesome urban ambassador that I am, I pressed on and answered their questions about where to dine, where to find good fashion bargains, and general places of interest. Their enthusiasm was infectious, and by the time we arrived at my stop and I bid them farewell, I was thinking there's no place else in the world I'd want to live. I complain about this place sometimes, and all the jerks I have to share it with, but when you evaluate your surroundings through a stranger's eyes, it can remind you about all the amazing things you should be grateful for.

That's when I discovered the source of the nauseating stench that had plagued our commute. Right next to the exit door, someone had taken a HUGE DUMP on the streetcar floor. A huge HUMAN dump. And the culprit, a smelly and senile old man with a cane, was trying to kick his crap under a seat while everyone around him hissed insults and called up to the driver for assistance.

I felt really bad for the guy because he didn't seem to know what was going on, but there was no way in hell I was gonna stick around. I'd done my good deed for the day, so Mr. Stinky was on his own. I hopped over the pile of dung and headed for the subway, with my contempt for fellow Torontonians fully reinstated.

23 comments:

Bill Stankus said...

I think you just wrote a modern morality play.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Man, Toronto is a weird city. I love it too, but there's always something to make you question this love. For me it's the drivers (worst in the world, in my opinion).

Some Guy said...

Nothing puts a damper on civic pride quite like public defecation.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Oh come on. The old guy was proud of Toronto too! He was just marking his territory!

edder said...

I think I live just east of you given the descriptions of your previous posts so I'll share this Toronto story that happened yesterday:

Got in line at Starbucks behind a guy who appeared "outdoorsy", aka homeless. He was pointing to the breakfast sandwiches and asking what they cost. The woman in front of him whispered to the barrista, "If he'd like one, I'll pay for it." which I thought was really stellar of her. The barrista replied, "Well, if you're sure. Yesterday someone did that and he brought it back."

I love Toronto.

mylittlebecky said...

people are always asking me for directions no matter where i am... must have a directions face. anywho, i am the worst at directions so i always have to end all my sentences with question marks and "i don't know"s.

that, and i used to wear an analog watch that i can't really read that well or very fast (i was trying to get better). people were always asking for the time. and i'd give them the wrong time all the time. ugh. i'm such a grown-up.

poop, huh?

Eric said...

Well, that doesn't happen much does it?
'When in Toronto, poo like the Torontonians do.'

Mr London Street said...

I loved Toronto and thought it would be a brilliant place to live while simultaneously thinking it had little to offer a tourist.

If I'd seen faecal matter on the streets I might have changed my mind. Not sure about what though.

Soda and Candy said...

Holy crap.

SkylersDad said...

The poop ending to the story surprised me, because I was expecting the husband to proposition you.

WendyB said...

I love a post that makes me smile, then vomit.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

It was very thoughtful of him to try to kick his crap out the way, you have to admit

Realtor Toronto said...

What an entertaining story. It started so nicely - kind of you to have helped the tourists (it is terrible when I'm in a city I don't know and no one seems to want to help). The ending of the story surprised me, though, I really didn't see this coming.

Regards, Elli

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

And all it took was some human faeces. Good to know you're so easily contemptified. Is that a word?

Moooooog35 said...

If taking a dump on a streetcar is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Eva Gallant said...

Yuuckkk!

lisa said...

I was on that streetcar too! 505, eastbound right? I still feel sick.

Gwen said...

I worked really hard one time to convince a hysterically fearful co-worker that taking the Metro train was perfectly safe and that she would actually enjoy it. She mustered her courage and tried it only to have a fellow passenger squat right at her feet and pee.

My credibility? Pissed away.

Jules said...

I WAS trying to take a vacation to Toronto soon....

BeckEye said...

Well, there you have it. New Yorkers may be rude assholes, but they don't shit on the trains.

Wait a second. Yes they do.

I'm sorry, what was my point?

Phronk said...

That was almost a really uplifting, heartwarming story. Actually, I'd say it fully was. Poop is hilarious. THANKS FOR MAKING MY DAY.

Dale said...

I love stories about how people literally shit all over the good that is this city. I love also that you'd already done your good deed. I'm that way too, all warm and fuzzy and fuck you!

Chris said...

My beloved wife and I ventured up the street half a block to the local pub (dive) to watch a band one fine summer day a few years back. I hadn't been in the place in years and was somewhat relieved and distressed at the same time to find that nothing had changed -- including, it appeared, the dishwater.

Anyway, we were watching the band play and were enjoying the eccentric gentleman dancing by himself, when suddenly said gentleman stopped. He got a funny smile on his face, glanced down at the growing stain on the front of his britches, shrugged his shoulders and went back to dancing.

Two weeks later, another friend's band was playing in the same place. The same thing happened, only this time it was a lady...

We haven't been back since.