Saturday, February 3, 2007

When Squirrels Attack!!

7:18 Pm - I was walking through my neighbourhood park on the way home from work, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a grey squirrel attacked me.

A quickly moving blur caught the corner of my eye, momentarily paralyzing me with shock. I reacted in cinematic slow motion as the blur leapt out at me from atop a nearby fence post. It landed on my shoulder, skidded across my back, and used my head as a springboard to launch itself skyward into a nearby low-hanging branch. This sent me into a fit of hysterical shrieking and arm-flailing, which did not go unnoticed by my old nemeses: The Dogwalkers Who Think They Own The Fucking Park.

Don't send hate mail: I actually love dogs. And dog owners. And other people who love dogs and dog owners. But these particularly self-righteous knobs give an evil face to the otherwise innocent and pleasurable hobby of Dog Ownership. The Dogwalkers let their freakyhyper hounds run lose so they can molest me with their grubby noses, and some of the dogs are rather aggressive in the crotch-smelling and leg-humping categories. Nice doggy, please stop fucking me! No lady, I don't think it's cute or precious. Call off your slutty mutt. RIGHT NOW.

Many of The Dogwalkers don't bother to scoop, littering the park with special little gifts from their special little friends -- something everyone can enjoy! And now they were laughing and pointing at me, armed with a good dinner-table story for the folks at home: "you'll never guess what I just saw in the dog park!" Not one of them asked if I was okay.

The squirrel will probably deny the attack. I'm sure it will maintain that it was merely using me as temporary transport location to get from point A to point B. It didn't bite me or cause serious harm, save for a near-coronary and an interesting new hairstyle -- which I kept, by the way. Just another commuter's badge of honour.


Bill Pocock said...


That's a great story. Did it feel heavy? Did claws dig in?

Remember a couple years back when a Toronto park had a pro9blem with someone leaving rat-poisoned hotdog chunks in a park so off-leash dogs would eat them and die? I don't agree with poisoning park dogs,...but I do understand.

pistols at dawn said...

The worst part of it all is that, after using you so callously, you know that squirrel's never going to call you.

ArtieLange said...

I think art slob is onto something. But instead of poisoning the dogs let's go after the owners. Not enough to kill them, mind you. Just enough to give them a bad case of the runs for a couple of days.

Great story. I had a similar ordeal that Mrs. Lange won't let me forget. Two squirrels, hot for each other, no doubt, dropped from the sky onto the ground behind me, screaming and clawing each other all the while. I was startled and sprang to my feet, offering the rodents my, then, year old son as a sacrifice.

Needless to say, the squirrels declined my offering leaving me no choice but to raise the kid untilo Mrs. Lange can find a suitable substitute.

katrocket said...

Like I said - I love dogs and MOST dog owners, but just like some parents we've all seen in public places, some of them lack the necessary skills and common sense to be responsible for a life other than their own, human or animal.

Notes on the squirrel:
1)Yes, there were claws - not sharp like a cat, more creepy like a gerbil or ferret.

2)It was surprisingly lightweight in general, though heavier upon landing and take-off (p=mv, or momentum = mass x velocity). Mild dig-in upon jumping off my head to the tree, likely caused by lack of traction on the healthy, glossy sheen of my beautiful hair.

3)Pistols at Dawn was right - no calls. I'm still waiting, but I think he's worth it. He's not like other squirrels....