Did I just say that out loud?

convenience
Originally uploaded by Katrocket.

I'm waiting in a long line-up at my tiny neighbourhood convenience store. The store is packed, and the staff is changing shifts. The man at the front of the line is trying to open a video rental account and is arguing with Claude (pictured here). The man has no identification and no credit card, so Claude is refusing him an account. Those are the boss' rules, so he's just doing his job.

Everyone's impatient and frustrated. Not because Video dude is holding up the line, but because we're all forced to listen to the most obnoxious conversation between a young college gal and her boyfriend.

The woman has a loud nasal voice that's more piercing that Fran Drescher and Mary Hart put together. She's openly and emphatically complaining that her co-workers think she's stupid. She's ranting that she doesn't get enough respect in the office, and she's smarter than the rest of them so they really should listen to her. They're all jealous of her because she's beautiful and sexy and they are tired, fat, old hags. In each of her sentences, every third word is "like" and every fifth word is "fuckin'". Her boyfriend says nothing, he just nods and looks around. He appears embarrassed and seems to be looking for an escape route.

I think to myself: Perhaps they are jealous of your astounding vocabulary?

Everyone in the store turns and looks at me. A few people stifle their giggles. She stares at me open mouthed.

Oh shit - did I just say that out loud?

[If you just got deja vu, this story was originally published on Oct 20/06. I'm reposting it for That Blue Yak. Claude is now retired. That silly cunt in the store still lives in my building, and gives me the stinkeye everytime I run into her. I still have a big mouth.]

Three lame jokes you can't get from Grant Miller Media

1. What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

2. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

3. What's black and white and has wheels?
A zebra. (I totally lied about the wheels part!)

Reading between the lines, Part 2: Resumés

In the previous post, we examined the secret language of job postings and their hidden meanings, so I thought it was only fair to offer a look at resumés and cover letters, and how recruiters process that information.

Some of you dear readers have mentioned that you've had the joyous experience of hiring staff and screening job applications, and I, too, have shared your pain. The process can be long and arduous -- scanning hundreds of hopeful candidates, wading through an ocean of ridiculous spelling/grammar mistakes and cliché buzzword bullshit, praying you'll find The One before you scratch out your own eyes and jump from a window.

There are plenty of sites dedicated to stupid mistakes on job applications, but only Rocketradio has uncovered the secret language of resumés:

"I am calm and effective in crisis situations." : I take a lot of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I take pride in my work." : I am quick to blame others for my mistakes.

"friendly and personable": I enjoy giving unsolicited advice to my co-workers.

"outgoing" : I'm rarely at my desk.

"advanced computer skills" : I know MS Word!

"resourceful" : I steal office supplies.

"honest, hard-working, and dependable" : I rat on people who steal office supplies.

"I possess above-average communication and organizational skills" : I'm kinda bossy and I never shut the fuck up.

"proven talent in creative writing": I will be blogging during company time.

"highly adaptable" : I change jobs every 3 to 6 months.

"highly motivated to succeed" : I'm leaving this job as soon as I find a better one.

"socially conscious and active in the community" : I drink a lot.

"able to quickly identify problems" : I complain a lot.

"good listening skills" : I rarely have ideas of my own.

"charismatic" : I have no interest in anyone's opinion but my own.

"I am very professional" : I have a daytimer. I carry it in my briefcase.

"I have a professional attitude." : I'm a pompous dickhead.

"excellent presentation skills" (on a woman's CV): I show a lot of cleavage at business meetings.

"excellent presentation skills" (on a man's CV): I own two suits.

"aggressive, ambitious, self-starter" : I'm a total nightmare to work with, but I think I'm quite awesome.

"I excel in a team environment" : I don't pull my weight, but I'm really good at taking credit for stuff I didn't do.

"I work well with others" : I have been accused of sexual harrassment.

"I have a great sense of humour": I have been accused of sexual harrassment.

"demonstrated leadership qualities" : I'm a loud talker.

"excellent intuitive judgment" : I know when to disappear.

"effective time management skills" : I'm a clock watcher.

"detail-oriented" : I'm a nitpicker.

"strong interpersonal skills" : I'm the office gossip.

"willing to relocate": I am so tired of living in my car.

"willing to work overtime/flexible shifts" : Things are pretty miserable at home.

"available immediately" : I have been unemployed for months and I'm very desperate.

"thank you for your time and consideration in reviewing my CV" : If you hire me, I'll do anything you ask. Anything.

"I look forward to hearing from you." : I'm waiting for my form rejection letter.

Reading between the lines, Part 1: Job postings

I've been scanning plenty of job boards lately, and I've become fluent in the secret language that recruiters use to write their help wanted ads. Logic dictates that not all jobs can be good jobs, which means there's lots of terrible jobs that no one wants, and lots of desperate employers trying to fill those jobs by any means necessary.

Correct usage of the secret language is like Febreezing a room full of smokers. The stank is still there, but now your nose and throat stings like Morning Mist, so really, you can't smell anything anymore. Similarly, a well-written job posting can lure a wide range of intelligent, qualified candidates to any tragic workplace you can imagine, simply by masking the odour of their own incompetence with the sweet smell of fruity job prose. This is why it's so important to read between the lines.

Think about your job and your workplace. Now try to remember what the want ad for that job once said. Is it what you expected? Better or worse? Your comments will provide valuable research data on this subject.

In the meantime, to help you navigate the often deceptive world of career opportunities, here's a sampler of phrases used in job ads that you should be wary of.

"self-starter" or "self-motivated" : We're not going to train you, but we're going to expect you to know where everything is and how everything works here. Some mindreading ability would be good.

"fast-paced work environment" (this one's courtesy of Mr. Radloff): We're always in panic mode and there's never enough time to do your job right and people will always be yelling at you.

"a challenging and rewarding career" : There will be many many many challenges and one or two rewards bi-annually. I hope you like pizza parties!

"competitive salary" : We are able to remain competitive by paying you a low salary.

"salary commensurate with experience" : The lowest salary you will be granted after being duped into believing that your experience, however rich and overqualified, isn't up to our expectations.

"detail-oriented" : We have absolutely no quality control happening here, and no one has time to check their work, so you'll be taking the blame for that continuing to happen.

"some overtime may be required" : Some on each weeknight, and some on each weekend.

"must be a strong multi-tasker" : You'll be replacing 3 people who just quit.

"seeking career-minded person" : You better not have kids. Or a spouse. Or parents. Or friends. It would be best for us if you just had nothing going on in your life.

"other duties as assigned" or "assist teams with requests" : A bunch of lazy asshats are going to be bossing you around. See also: Psychotic Secretary

"deadline-oriented" : You'll be 3 months behind on your first day.

"looking for a dynamic individual" : We're looking for an ass-kissing autobot who will buy us all drinks after work.

"must be highly organized" : Your boss is highly disorganized.

"strong/excellent interpersonal skills" : You should be a consummate manipulator with a natural aptitude for back-stabbing.

"creative thinker" : We kinda suck at generating ideas, so we'll be taking yours. Please don't expect any recognition or additional compensation for your talent, which in no way must be allowed to exceed or overshadow that of your superiors.

"fast-growing company!" : The company is fast-growing rich at the expense of your fast-growing ulcer!

"enthusiastic team player" : You'll be doing everyone else's work, in addition to your own.

"commission plus bonus incentives" : You get to eat anything you kill yourself.

"generous benefit package" : Standard statuatory holidays and a first aid kit in the kitchen.

"progressive work environment" : You will hate this place more and more with each passing day.

Tune in tomorrow, when we'll present a fair and balanced look at the secret language of resumés and cover letters...

Tourists are funny

Today I had lunch with a friend of mine who works at the Toronto Tourism Board. She spends most of her day answering calls from inquisitive tourists-to-be on their toll-free information line. It's so unlike me to waste a perfectly good margarita by laughing it right out my nose, but her hotline stories were so damn funny, I totally lost my ability to retain liquids.

REAL questions from the hotline:

Why do French Canadians have a different accent from other Canadians?

How do I apply for the Canadian Express card?

What's all this about Boxing Day in Toronto? Do you box on that day?

I heard about that new law and I'd like to find out... uh, my girlfriend would like to know the best places to go topless in Toronto.

Caller: How far is Boston from Toronto?
My friend: About 900 kilometers, or 565 miles.
Caller: So if I drive using miles, it won't take me as long to get there? Is that what you're saying?

Will the Toronto subway take me to Vancouver?

I'm entertaining some executives visiting from out of town, and I would like to know where they can ride some llamas.

What information do you have on Italy?

Cat vs. Dishwasher. Dishwasher wins.

I think this photo is really hilarious.

Stuffonmycat.com usually features sad images of cats dressed up in crazy outfits looking all pissed-off at their owners, but there's some good comedy treasure to be found there.

The Legacy of the One-Minute Cartoon

About 18 years ago, I worked as an audio-video technician for a large Canadian university. Looking back now, I have to admit it was one of the best jobs I've had: the work was diverse and interesting, my co-workers were all superfun drinking pals, and the environment was quite casual.

I would kick off many a shift with a one-minute cartoon. I did this purely to entertain myself and several of my co-workers when we gathered at Master Control to organize our equipment deliveries for the shift. Each doodle was drawn with a black Sharpie on a 4" x 5" piece of scrap paper, and was always created in one minute or less. Sometimes my colleagues would give me a topic, sometimes not, but they were always juvenile, silly, and very crudely drawn. Each finished drawing was tacked to the wall of the control room until it eventually evolved into a sort of patchwork quilt wallpaper. Of course, I assumed they were torn down and tossed out after I moved on to a different job.

Then last week I bumped into Tony, a cherished friend of many years and the Master of Master Control, still employed with the University. We went for a few pints and he told me he would e-mail me some jokes that I'd really enjoy. A few days later, I received a series of scanned illustrations -- Tony had in fact saved the one-minute cartoons from extinction and had scanned them for posterity! I'm very grateful to him for having the foresight to preserve a little piece of our work-art history. Some of them are dated and a bit cliché almost 2 decades later, but they really cracked us up back then.

click each image to enlarge

When Squirrels Attack!!

7:18 Pm - I was walking through my neighbourhood park on the way home from work, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a grey squirrel attacked me.

A quickly moving blur caught the corner of my eye, momentarily paralyzing me with shock. I reacted in cinematic slow motion as the blur leapt out at me from atop a nearby fence post. It landed on my shoulder, skidded across my back, and used my head as a springboard to launch itself skyward into a nearby low-hanging branch. This sent me into a fit of hysterical shrieking and arm-flailing, which did not go unnoticed by my old nemeses: The Dogwalkers Who Think They Own The Fucking Park.

Don't send hate mail: I actually love dogs. And dog owners. And other people who love dogs and dog owners. But these particularly self-righteous knobs give an evil face to the otherwise innocent and pleasurable hobby of Dog Ownership. The Dogwalkers let their freakyhyper hounds run lose so they can molest me with their grubby noses, and some of the dogs are rather aggressive in the crotch-smelling and leg-humping categories. Nice doggy, please stop fucking me! No lady, I don't think it's cute or precious. Call off your slutty mutt. RIGHT NOW.

Many of The Dogwalkers don't bother to scoop, littering the park with special little gifts from their special little friends -- something everyone can enjoy! And now they were laughing and pointing at me, armed with a good dinner-table story for the folks at home: "you'll never guess what I just saw in the dog park!" Not one of them asked if I was okay.

The squirrel will probably deny the attack. I'm sure it will maintain that it was merely using me as temporary transport location to get from point A to point B. It didn't bite me or cause serious harm, save for a near-coronary and an interesting new hairstyle -- which I kept, by the way. Just another commuter's badge of honour.