Reading between the lines, Part 2: Resumés

In the previous post, we examined the secret language of job postings and their hidden meanings, so I thought it was only fair to offer a look at resumés and cover letters, and how recruiters process that information.

Some of you dear readers have mentioned that you've had the joyous experience of hiring staff and screening job applications, and I, too, have shared your pain. The process can be long and arduous -- scanning hundreds of hopeful candidates, wading through an ocean of ridiculous spelling/grammar mistakes and cliché buzzword bullshit, praying you'll find The One before you scratch out your own eyes and jump from a window.

There are plenty of sites dedicated to stupid mistakes on job applications, but only Rocketradio has uncovered the secret language of resumés:

"I am calm and effective in crisis situations." : I take a lot of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I take pride in my work." : I am quick to blame others for my mistakes.

"friendly and personable": I enjoy giving unsolicited advice to my co-workers.

"outgoing" : I'm rarely at my desk.

"advanced computer skills" : I know MS Word!

"resourceful" : I steal office supplies.

"honest, hard-working, and dependable" : I rat on people who steal office supplies.

"I possess above-average communication and organizational skills" : I'm kinda bossy and I never shut the fuck up.

"proven talent in creative writing": I will be blogging during company time.

"highly adaptable" : I change jobs every 3 to 6 months.

"highly motivated to succeed" : I'm leaving this job as soon as I find a better one.

"socially conscious and active in the community" : I drink a lot.

"able to quickly identify problems" : I complain a lot.

"good listening skills" : I rarely have ideas of my own.

"charismatic" : I have no interest in anyone's opinion but my own.

"I am very professional" : I have a daytimer. I carry it in my briefcase.

"I have a professional attitude." : I'm a pompous dickhead.

"excellent presentation skills" (on a woman's CV): I show a lot of cleavage at business meetings.

"excellent presentation skills" (on a man's CV): I own two suits.

"aggressive, ambitious, self-starter" : I'm a total nightmare to work with, but I think I'm quite awesome.

"I excel in a team environment" : I don't pull my weight, but I'm really good at taking credit for stuff I didn't do.

"I work well with others" : I have been accused of sexual harrassment.

"I have a great sense of humour": I have been accused of sexual harrassment.

"demonstrated leadership qualities" : I'm a loud talker.

"excellent intuitive judgment" : I know when to disappear.

"effective time management skills" : I'm a clock watcher.

"detail-oriented" : I'm a nitpicker.

"strong interpersonal skills" : I'm the office gossip.

"willing to relocate": I am so tired of living in my car.

"willing to work overtime/flexible shifts" : Things are pretty miserable at home.

"available immediately" : I have been unemployed for months and I'm very desperate.

"thank you for your time and consideration in reviewing my CV" : If you hire me, I'll do anything you ask. Anything.

"I look forward to hearing from you." : I'm waiting for my form rejection letter.

Reading between the lines, Part 1: Job postings

I've been scanning plenty of job boards lately, and I've become fluent in the secret language that recruiters use to write their help wanted ads. Logic dictates that not all jobs can be good jobs, which means there's lots of terrible jobs that no one wants, and lots of desperate employers trying to fill those jobs by any means necessary.

Correct usage of the secret language is like Febreezing a room full of smokers. The stank is still there, but now your nose and throat stings like Morning Mist, so really, you can't smell anything anymore. Similarly, a well-written job posting can lure a wide range of intelligent, qualified candidates to any tragic workplace you can imagine, simply by masking the odour of their own incompetence with the sweet smell of fruity job prose. This is why it's so important to read between the lines.

Think about your job and your workplace. Now try to remember what the want ad for that job once said. Is it what you expected? Better or worse? Your comments will provide valuable research data on this subject.

In the meantime, to help you navigate the often deceptive world of career opportunities, here's a sampler of phrases used in job ads that you should be wary of.

"self-starter" or "self-motivated" : We're not going to train you, but we're going to expect you to know where everything is and how everything works here. Some mindreading ability would be good.

"fast-paced work environment" (this one's courtesy of Mr. Radloff): We're always in panic mode and there's never enough time to do your job right and people will always be yelling at you.

"a challenging and rewarding career" : There will be many many many challenges and one or two rewards bi-annually. I hope you like pizza parties!

"competitive salary" : We are able to remain competitive by paying you a low salary.

"salary commensurate with experience" : The lowest salary you will be granted after being duped into believing that your experience, however rich and overqualified, isn't up to our expectations.

"detail-oriented" : We have absolutely no quality control happening here, and no one has time to check their work, so you'll be taking the blame for that continuing to happen.

"some overtime may be required" : Some on each weeknight, and some on each weekend.

"must be a strong multi-tasker" : You'll be replacing 3 people who just quit.

"seeking career-minded person" : You better not have kids. Or a spouse. Or parents. Or friends. It would be best for us if you just had nothing going on in your life.

"other duties as assigned" or "assist teams with requests" : A bunch of lazy asshats are going to be bossing you around. See also: Psychotic Secretary

"deadline-oriented" : You'll be 3 months behind on your first day.

"looking for a dynamic individual" : We're looking for an ass-kissing autobot who will buy us all drinks after work.

"must be highly organized" : Your boss is highly disorganized.

"strong/excellent interpersonal skills" : You should be a consummate manipulator with a natural aptitude for back-stabbing.

"creative thinker" : We kinda suck at generating ideas, so we'll be taking yours. Please don't expect any recognition or additional compensation for your talent, which in no way must be allowed to exceed or overshadow that of your superiors.

"fast-growing company!" : The company is fast-growing rich at the expense of your fast-growing ulcer!

"enthusiastic team player" : You'll be doing everyone else's work, in addition to your own.

"commission plus bonus incentives" : You get to eat anything you kill yourself.

"generous benefit package" : Standard statuatory holidays and a first aid kit in the kitchen.

"progressive work environment" : You will hate this place more and more with each passing day.

Tune in tomorrow, when we'll present a fair and balanced look at the secret language of resumés and cover letters...

Craigslist: Not ideal for job hunters

If you're a regular reader of The Idea of Progress, then you may already be familiar with those batshit crazy "missed connections" ads from Craigslist. Idea's Best of Craigslist series has featured touching stories of homeless romance, starcrossed addicts, and subway stalkers.

So it goes without saying that I should stop looking for a job on Craigslist. But these are desperate times, and I am slowly becoming acquainted with desperate measures.

Excerpt of job posting on craigslist:

TOUGH BOSS LOOKING FOR MINIONS
Tough boss needs admin support in busy office. $42K and perks galore for the right candidate. Must handle stress with grace. You should be proficient with all basic computer programs required for administrative functions. If you have to ask what these are, do not apply!

It takes a special kind of person to use the word minion in a want ad. I guess you have to have a sense of humour about it, because it's true. Anyways, you sound like a bitch, so good luck with that sweetheart.