I'll Bet she complains about a lot more than just your small cock

Guy, you know who you are. You keep sending me these annoying e-mails, whining about how your wife constantly complains about your small cock. Well, if she knew you were telling the whole world about it, she'd divorce you, too. I mean, it's a drag that she's got certain expectations, but talking about it is not gonna make it any better.

And you totally make her sound like a bitch, you know. I bet she's just some poor stressed-out lady who's coping with an idiot blabbermouth husband and a really unsatisfying sex life. So take your pills or stretch it out or something. Because no one cares. Except, obviously, your fucking wife.

It's the only pie you're getting tonight, mister.

I get kind of annoyed with people who claim to be allergic to certain foods in order to avoid eating something they don't like. There's a huge difference, people, and that difference is a trip to the emergency room.

So if you don't like the way something tastes, you should just say so, because lying about it "to spare someone's feelings" is completely stupid. I think that once you hit adolescence, you can go ahead an eat whatever you like and not eat what you don't like, and people will pretty much respect your choices. Because faking an allergy is totally douchey.

Case study # 1:

I made a totally awesome coconut creme pie for my dinner date last night and he turned up his nose at it...

Date: Hmmmm. Smells like Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil.
Me: It's coconut creme pie! Homemade!
Date: So it's got coconut in it...
Me: It's kind of a key ingredient.
Date: Ah....yeah. Uh, I'm allergic to coconut.
Me: (concerned) No way! Gosh, I'm sorry, I should have asked...okay no worries. So what happens to you?
Date: What do you mean?
Me: Do you swell up and explode?
Date: No.
Me: Do you turn blue and explode?
Date: Not at all.
Me: So what then? Is it lactose intolerance? Your limbs shrivel up and fall off? Do ya get giant lips? Break out in hives?
Date: I get a really bad taste in my mouth.
Me: That's it? Does that require immediate medical attention?
Date: Not really. I just don't like the taste of coconut, I guess.
Me: So you're not actually allergic to coconut.
Date: Well, no. But I really hate coconut.
Me: Why didn't you just say that?
Date: Well, you went through all this trouble, and it's a beautiful presentation...

What I thought: Shut the fuck up and eat your pie, you big fat liar.

What I said: How about some Oreos? Or are you allergic to those, too?

When Squirrels Attack!!

7:18 Pm - I was walking through my neighbourhood park on the way home from work, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a grey squirrel attacked me.

A quickly moving blur caught the corner of my eye, momentarily paralyzing me with shock. I reacted in cinematic slow motion as the blur leapt out at me from atop a nearby fence post. It landed on my shoulder, skidded across my back, and used my head as a springboard to launch itself skyward into a nearby low-hanging branch. This sent me into a fit of hysterical shrieking and arm-flailing, which did not go unnoticed by my old nemeses: The Dogwalkers Who Think They Own The Fucking Park.

Don't send hate mail: I actually love dogs. And dog owners. And other people who love dogs and dog owners. But these particularly self-righteous knobs give an evil face to the otherwise innocent and pleasurable hobby of Dog Ownership. The Dogwalkers let their freakyhyper hounds run lose so they can molest me with their grubby noses, and some of the dogs are rather aggressive in the crotch-smelling and leg-humping categories. Nice doggy, please stop fucking me! No lady, I don't think it's cute or precious. Call off your slutty mutt. RIGHT NOW.

Many of The Dogwalkers don't bother to scoop, littering the park with special little gifts from their special little friends -- something everyone can enjoy! And now they were laughing and pointing at me, armed with a good dinner-table story for the folks at home: "you'll never guess what I just saw in the dog park!" Not one of them asked if I was okay.

The squirrel will probably deny the attack. I'm sure it will maintain that it was merely using me as temporary transport location to get from point A to point B. It didn't bite me or cause serious harm, save for a near-coronary and an interesting new hairstyle -- which I kept, by the way. Just another commuter's badge of honour.