Did I just say that out loud?

convenience
Originally uploaded by Katrocket.

I'm waiting in a long line-up at my tiny neighbourhood convenience store. The store is packed, and the staff is changing shifts. The man at the front of the line is trying to open a video rental account and is arguing with Claude (pictured here). The man has no identification and no credit card, so Claude is refusing him an account. Those are the boss' rules, so he's just doing his job.

Everyone's impatient and frustrated. Not because Video dude is holding up the line, but because we're all forced to listen to the most obnoxious conversation between a young college gal and her boyfriend.

The woman has a loud nasal voice that's more piercing that Fran Drescher and Mary Hart put together. She's openly and emphatically complaining that her co-workers think she's stupid. She's ranting that she doesn't get enough respect in the office, and she's smarter than the rest of them so they really should listen to her. They're all jealous of her because she's beautiful and sexy and they are tired, fat, old hags. In each of her sentences, every third word is "like" and every fifth word is "fuckin'". Her boyfriend says nothing, he just nods and looks around. He appears embarrassed and seems to be looking for an escape route.

I think to myself: Perhaps they are jealous of your astounding vocabulary?

Everyone in the store turns and looks at me. A few people stifle their giggles. She stares at me open mouthed.

Oh shit - did I just say that out loud?

[If you just got deja vu, this story was originally published on Oct 20/06. I'm reposting it for That Blue Yak. Claude is now retired. That silly cunt in the store still lives in my building, and gives me the stinkeye everytime I run into her. I still have a big mouth.]

When Squirrels Attack!!

7:18 Pm - I was walking through my neighbourhood park on the way home from work, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a grey squirrel attacked me.

A quickly moving blur caught the corner of my eye, momentarily paralyzing me with shock. I reacted in cinematic slow motion as the blur leapt out at me from atop a nearby fence post. It landed on my shoulder, skidded across my back, and used my head as a springboard to launch itself skyward into a nearby low-hanging branch. This sent me into a fit of hysterical shrieking and arm-flailing, which did not go unnoticed by my old nemeses: The Dogwalkers Who Think They Own The Fucking Park.

Don't send hate mail: I actually love dogs. And dog owners. And other people who love dogs and dog owners. But these particularly self-righteous knobs give an evil face to the otherwise innocent and pleasurable hobby of Dog Ownership. The Dogwalkers let their freakyhyper hounds run lose so they can molest me with their grubby noses, and some of the dogs are rather aggressive in the crotch-smelling and leg-humping categories. Nice doggy, please stop fucking me! No lady, I don't think it's cute or precious. Call off your slutty mutt. RIGHT NOW.

Many of The Dogwalkers don't bother to scoop, littering the park with special little gifts from their special little friends -- something everyone can enjoy! And now they were laughing and pointing at me, armed with a good dinner-table story for the folks at home: "you'll never guess what I just saw in the dog park!" Not one of them asked if I was okay.

The squirrel will probably deny the attack. I'm sure it will maintain that it was merely using me as temporary transport location to get from point A to point B. It didn't bite me or cause serious harm, save for a near-coronary and an interesting new hairstyle -- which I kept, by the way. Just another commuter's badge of honour.