Monday, April 30, 2007

My Secret Life as Celine Dion


Bert Bananas said...
I was thinking about you and it suddenly came to me! I mean, all the clues were there! The hipness, the carefully cropped photo, the sly allusions... I know who you are!!
I know you can't admit it, so I won't, you know, go on and on about it and I'll pretend to accept your denial..., but it's probably a load off your mind that someone finally 'gets' you, Celine Dion!

P.S., I only have your 'collected hits' CD.

Mr. Bananas, you see right through me.

Oui. I AM Celine Dion. Your powers of deduction are très bon! I was being so careful to hide my true self, so committed to staying in the character of Katrocket, that I dared to repeatedly insult my beloved Québec, and I even encouraged strangers to hate themselves for listening to my music! Such terrible, terrible things I did. Je suis désolé, mes petits choux.

Please understand that even wealthy international superstars need an escape from our exciting, charm-filled lives! The stress of being so fabulous all the time can be unbéarable! You know, Rrrénée likes his porno sites, but I prefer to unwind with Rocketradio. It keeps me real. (I'm thumping my chest right now, just so you can feel this moment with me. Did you feel it? Je t'adore!)

Ok now that my secret superdiva identity is revealed, I can tell you to go see my new movie, Oceans 13 avec George Clooney and all his handsome little friends. I have a cameo! Guess who I'm playing!!

Friday, April 27, 2007

It's a miracle

I can see!

I was getting all squinty-eyed, and it's an easier solution than buying glasses.

Enjoy listening to Rocketradio in NEW! LARGER! FONT!

Name That Fish

A friend of mine pointed to my computer monitor and jokingly asked if I had named all the fish in my aquarium screensaver.

Lame joke, yes, but what's much worse is that I really had named those fish.







I dunno. I got bored one day waiting for some downloads and yeah, I named the damn fish. He could not have guessed that I love the G-Force from Battle of the Planets. He didn't think it was cute or charming or funny, he just thinks I'm a loser.

But check it out!

It's like the Mod Squad of animé!

Monday, April 23, 2007

A Message from the Sky

I haven't posted anything for a while because I've been very busy helping out the Sasquatch with his fabulous new children's book. The furry man without a face has some very cool stories for young human offspring. Check out the early humble beginnings here:

The Starlight Dreamvision Academy

or visit the Sasquatch's blog: Top Superstar

and feel free to leave feedback and constructive comments.

"Until then, Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars."
Also yours to keep: this wallet size photo of Casey Kasem & Friends!

This week's "Friends": Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and their coke dealer.

Clip-out and collect 'em all!

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Canada, U.S.A.

Background: In March, Pistols At Dawn wrote about the Canada Pavillion at Disney's EPCOT Center in Florida. It blew my mind that a magical world full of Canadian stereotypes exists on U.S. soil, and the more I researched, the more I laughed.

Disclaimer: I have never been to EPCOT, so this review is based solely on descriptions and photographs found online. You're welcome to argue that my opinions lack validity because of this, but since this blog was founded on principles of talking a lot of shit, all protests will be met with unwavering indifference.

Overall, I think it's fabulous that a person can experience a little sampler box of Canada in the balmy climate of Florida. It's an enormous country and the weather's only cooperative for 3 to 4 months out of the year, so travel is expensive and potentially chilly. It's kinda neat to pack all the highlights of one nation into a few acres, and I know that Epcot is intended to be a fantasy for tourists. Unfortunately, whenever Disney is involved, fantasy quickly evolves into surrealism:

attraction: Hotel du Canada
concept: A recreation of Canada's distinctive CP Hotels such as Chateau Laurier, Chateau Frontenac, and Banff Springs.
review: Very nice, but why? These are really just old hotels, and I'll never understand what that has to do with a national identity. That's like building a USA themepark that features a Hyatt Regency attraction. "Canadians have room service? I had no idea they were such an advanced culture!"
rating: HIGH-larious! I wonder if rooms are available "by the hour" for that authentic touch.

attraction: Victoria Gardens & "the Rocky Mountains"
concept: showcase the awesome natural beauty of Canada using paper maché and topiaries.
review: Disney loves building fake mountains and castles, so why stop now? The United States has more mountainous terrain than Canada, but I'm sure that's just an oversight. Also, our birds are made of bird, not trees, but now I'm just nit-picking.
rating: Good effort, but snow in Florida would've really impressed me.

attraction: live "Canadian" music
concept: daily shows featuring Florida Celtic band Off Kilter.
review: No Canadian members here, just 4 Americans, and a Puerto Rican keyboard player. Celtic music is popular in the Maritimes, but it's Scottish/Irish music, not Canadian. I love men in kilts, but they look like my brother's wedding party.
rating: Poor. I bet Nickleback would've worked for minimum wage too. Did anyone bother to ask?

attraction: Totem poles & trading post
concept: feature Canada's First Nations culture and history via insult and exploitation.
review: Totem poles are common in some areas of Ontario and BC, and these replicas are actually pretty good. The "Northwest Merchantile" is another story. White fur traders like The Hudson Bay Company dessimated entire native populations with disease and unfair business practices. Thanks for bringing that back up. It's a fitting place to hawk cheaply mass produced Inuit carvings, lumber jackets and maple syrup. So nice to see the legacy of oppression carried forward for the next generation of young people to enjoy and uphold.
rating: Holy crap. A real forehead-slapper.

attraction: O Canada! 360 CircleVision film (see clip below)
concept: 18 minutes of scenic pans of the country's landscapes, cities, and economic industries. Features a rare Celine Dion-free soundtrack. Released in 1967.
review: This film is older than me, and I'm just 3 years shy of Cougar status. There's even a shot of Toronto's skyline, and it's missing the CN Tower. The only thing that tourists could learn from this film is that John Denver seriously ripped his style from us.
rating: Expired. I think I've seen enough, thanks. .. but enjoy this 5-minute retro clip...