Tuesday, May 29, 2007

From Russia, With Laughs

There was a time in my life when I collected film posters and travel postcards. Well, I still enjoy postcards, though my collection has evolved from images of sunny beaches to vintage French pornography, but I lost interest in movie posters a long time ago.

There are a few exceptions, but today's movie posters are shamefully stupid and poorly crafted compared to the phenomenal artwork produced in the golden age between the 1940s and the 1970s, when the majority of film posters and title sequences were hand-drawn by the most respected illustrators and designers in the world. Fast-forward to 2007, and now these posters are made by some art school hack with Adobe CS2. Has the film got Tom Hanks in it? Okay! Let's superimpose a faded but poignant shot of his big fat melon right over a gritty sunset and sprinkle some more disembodied bobbleheads of his co-stars around him. Sweet!

But today I received an e-mail from a friend that might just re-ignite my love of marquee art -- from other countries! The following images are REAL film posters and wall murals, created by local artists (seemingly the same untalented local artist) in Minsk, Belarus for American-made Hollywood blockbusters playing in Minsk theatres. Now, I cannot explain why the parent studio wouldn't just supply professionally printed and translated posters of their films to the overseas market, but this is Belarus, so maybe they had to burn the entire shipment for warmth. I'm glad they did, because these are hilarious.

Let's make a little game out of this.... can you guess which film these posters are advertising?

Click on images to enlarge

I know what you're saying! "HOW LIFE-LIKE!"

Thursday, May 24, 2007

RIDE on!

The Scandelles and the Partistes are teaming up for another cheeky burlesque spectacular! Ride The Seam III will take place June 10th at Buddies in Toronto. I promise it'll be the best ten bucks you've ever spent. Just ask the Partiste Nation.

For those of you unfamiliar with my secret life as a pornographer, I've been fortunate enough to work with these talented artists for the past 2 years, providing production stills, promotional materials, and event photography. Good times!

The Partistes' film adventures - Abdadaduction, Grrrls Gone Wild! and Give Piece of Ass a Chance - have been accepted to numerous indie and gay/lesbian film festivals in Canada and the U.S. this summer! I'll post the schedules soon, but for a little taste of something mmm mmm good, check out the links below (these are not safe for work, children, people with pacemakers, and religious zealots).

Film production stills from partiste.com

Cinema Partiste from Flickr

performance shots



if you're not part of the party, you're part of the problem....

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Hairapy Session

I don't normally send my guests to other blogs, aside from the real good readin' links in the sidebar, which deserve your attention at all times. I just think that creating an entire blog of other people's YouTube clips and URLs is pretty much lazy, unoriginal, and fine for celebrity gossipers, but I usually prefer fresh-made to leftovers. I'm making an exception today, because this page made me laugh out loud:

The 2nd Annual Stupid MySpace Haircut Awards

I was an 80's teen, so I have a rather campy relationship with hair. I especially love the horrorthrill of a good mullet. I have modelled some downright wacky do's myself over the years, but never to a point where I've been compared to a comic book or animé character. I have at least 20 or more personal friends who belong on that Stupid Haircut list, so I am inspired to open up the lines here at Rocketradio and give you, my wonderful mean/fun-spirited readers, a forum where you can safely mock the stupid haircuts of your own friends, neighbours, or favourite public figures. Please send your .jpgs to rocketstudio@rogers.com , along with a "profile" of your nominees. Real names will not be used, so if you don't submit a profile, a pseudonym and imaginative bio will be randomly made up by yours truly.

I will be awarding a very special prize to the winning entry -- a blinged-out buckle of your choice from the fabulous Beevers at Barbie's Basement Jewellery ! It pays to play with your Rocket!

UPDATE - May 26/07: As stupid haircuts go, the floppy mohawk is right up there. This daring 'do catapults Pistols at Dawn onto our leader board! He looks tough to beat, and also looks willing to fight you to the death for fun and profit. Who will step up and take this punk down?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Dreams can come true

Boys & Girls: Sometimes, if you really wish for something hard enough, your dreams can come true....

Paula Abdul breaks nose trying to avoid stepping on Chihuahua!

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Paula Abdul broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua, her publicist said Monday.

"She's a little sore but is doing fine," he said. She tore cartilage in her nose and fractured her toe.

"I took a nasty fall...trying not to hurt my dog. I bruised myself on my arm...my chest, my waist all the way down to my hip. All from my little chubby Tulip," Abdul said.

The dog was not hurt, and issued the following statement through her handlers:

"That stoner had it coming, and no matter what she's tellling you, I had nothing to do with it. Wait a minute - did that bitch call me CHUBBY ????"

Monday, May 21, 2007

happy birthday Q-Vic!

The Monday before or on May 24 is a statutory holiday in Canada, most commonly referred to as "May Two-Four weekend" (a "two-four" is a slang term meaning a case of 24 bottles of beer). It's the official gateway to summer, when theme parks and campgrounds open for business, barbeques are fired up, and outdoor cafes and patios become packed with pasty-skinned locals thirsty from hibernation.

But we owe this holiday to two formidable forces: the Banks, who will grab onto any ol' day off and make it a national institution until the end of time; and Queen Victoria, who was born on May 24, 1819. If you can read the quote on the photo, she seems worthy of the attention: "Give my people beer, plenty of beer, and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them." OK, say what you want about the monarchy, but that's one smart bitch.

Once known as "Empire Day" and "Commonwealth Day", this holiday now known officially in Canada as "Victoria Day" is also celebrated in other Commonwealth countries with fireworks, parties and government-sanctioned public drinking.

If you want the whole history of the holiday, you can read it here.

Like the majority of Canadians, I have spent my holiday weekend working on some minor home improvement and landscaping projects (damn, I'm handy! And I can cook too! I think I'll keep me around for awhile.) . I think the Old Gal would approve of my labours: a new pulse massage showerhead, a totally smokin' hot floral and herb garden, a sexycool cocktail bar, and a new sculptural lighting installation in my living room. In keeping with the spirit of the holiday, I have been drinking while decorating, though not to excess, because I love all my fingers and toes with equal passion. And tonight, I shall toast each and every one of you when I'm blitzkreiged at the city waterfront, watching fireworks and tazering black flies.

I don't really have any special bond with the Queen, be it Victoria or Elizabeth, but I greatly appreciate the holidays, and I've rather enjoyed most of her movies (The Queen, Elizabeth, Mrs Brown, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert). I'm a little sad that we don't have a national holiday for Queen Elizabeth II's real birthday on April 21. That woman has been large and in-charge for 55 years. Imagine! FIFTY FIVE YEARS!! Okay, Q-Vic reigned for 63 years, but she didn't have the British tabloids on her lawn and trainwrecks like Fergie in her house. So give the woman a freakin holiday. Besides, I could use more time-off between Easter and May TwoFour.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

In search of a better Mandal

The days are getting warmer, and I can't help but notice the overwhelming number of men wearing flip-flops out there on the streets. Though I'm happy to report fewer Croc sightings (read my Croc rant from last summer), it seems that rubber sabots are not just for surfers and rice farmers anymore.

I fully support equal-opportunity footwear for men and women, but I draw the line at flip-flops. Sure, they might be the most basic and popular form of footwear in the world, but I'm not happy that guys think it's okay to wear them out to dinner, or to work, or anywhere else in public with me for that matter. They kinda work well on the beach, at the pool or in your gym locker room, but for me personally, flip-flops look best on young women with small, tidy-looking, hairless feet and pretty pink toenails. Yes, I know they are cool and comfortable and go with everything, but they're also a little bit gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I am truly sympathetic that there aren't a lot of macho sandals available for men, but in my opinion, flip-flops are the second assault wave of Global Pyjamafication. It's bad enough that a growing population of men and women think it's okay to wear track suits and yogawear to work, or to a nice restaurant. I'm sorry, but it's not okay to wear shower shoes either. So let's look at the options:

Sport sandals: Also known as "mandals" - they're great for hiking, camping, weekends, etc., but they leave that black gunk all over your feet and between the toes, so you might as well wear sneakers.

Fisherman sandals (aka Jesus slippers): The leather classic. Great for work, or with dressy attire. Looks stupid with white socks. I think this is my favourite mandal option, though I suppose they can be too heavy on really hot days, and they are rarely available in colours other than black or brown. I'm not suggesting these should be available in other colours, because there are only a few good men who pull off powder blue mandals.

The slip-on: Not so bad for casual hanging out, but they still make that annoying slapping sound like flip-flops, and they're a one-way ticket to a podiatrist. There's a guy in my office who wears these things (with black trouser socks...mmmm sexy!), and you can hear him approach you from 50 feet in any direction.

Espadrilles: There's a fine line between "shoe" and "sandal" and that line is covered in mesh. They are cool and comfy, but offer excellent coverage, and I actually like these on guys, but one of my male friends said it best: "I kinda feel like Sonny Crockett. That cannot be good."

Clogs: Probably best left to the Dutch.

Incidentally, senior management recently released a memo to all staff in my office regarding summer dress code, and the wearing of "thongs" (aka flip flops) is now strictly prohibited. The women were aghast and organized a protest because they interpreted this to mean underwear, not footwear. I cannot help but view this as a win-win situation. No flip-flops + no underwear = friendly workplace.

So, what are your feet wearing this summer?

Stay tuned this week for part 2 in this series, when Katrocket goes "in search of a better man" to go with the sandals.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Question Period with Katrocket

I've got no blog-worthy stories for you this week, (well, except for my second squirrel attack in 3 months, which I'm saving for later) ...so I'm going to ripoff an idea from my excellent friend Aaron Edwards, the Superhero of the East Village. Also, I should mention that überblogger Todd (of Death Wore a Feathered Mullet) recently made a similar post that inspired me to rip off him and Aaron at the same time. Thank you, gentlemen muses.

Aaron used to have a column in Tampa's Orange Magazine (now defunct) called "Ask Aaron Anything", where he would give advice about social situations, and research answers to the burning questions in your life, like "what's the first name of Mrs. Claus?" (it's Jessica, dumbass) . I used to e-mail Aaron and ask him things like : "Did you get that thing I sent you?" Or "Does V-8 go with tequila?" Those were heady times.

So I invite you to join Question Period With Katrocket this week. I do not offend easily, so anything goes... but I do reserve the right to mock your question if it's super lame. Please note that any questions about "lamé" are entirely welcome. So many words get better when you add french accents!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Why Daniel Edwards rocks my world

(Photo & article courtesy of Reuters and Yahoo!Canada)

"Sculptor Daniel Edwards thinks Paris Hilton makes a fine subject -- as prom queen of the dead in a what he says is a warning against drunken driving.

The artist has created a sculpture of the 26-year-old hotel heiress and socialite naked and dead, with cell phone in hand, legs spread and crowned with a tiara.
"The Paris Hilton Autopsy" is a statement about the dangers of drunk driving just as high school prom season rolls around, said Edwards, who also sculpted a giant head of Cuban President Fidel Castro, and created a life-size nude of Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug."

Rocketreview: You can say what you want about Daniel Edwards, but I think the guy is fucking hilarious. Some say he's an offensive dickhead who's riding the tabloid garbage truck to notoriety. Others claim he's merely holding up a fun-house mirror to our modern-day media gods. I mean, when it comes to Paris & Britney, is it even possible to demean these girls any further than they already have themselves? Please discuss amongst yourselves...

More fun from Daniel Edwards... from left to right (click to view large) : 1) "The Presidential Bust of Hilary Rodham Clinton. The First Woman President of the United States of America."; 2) "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston"; 3) "Suri's Bronzed Baby Poop"

Monday, May 7, 2007

Operation Coin-Op, Part 2: "What a Fool Believes"

Several months ago - January 12/07 to be exact, Rocketradio was the first alternative media outlet to investigate and fully resolve the U.S. government's wildly paranoid claim that "sum kinda newfangled spy teknolergy" was embedded into Canadian coins.

Read Rocketradio's exclusive report of CSIS memo explaining the whole crazy misunderstanding.

And yet today, four months later, Associated Press finally releases this article about the "surprise explanation" from U.S. Defense officials.... please remember people - Rocketradio wants you to know about ruling class incompetence as it happens. If you're looking for cover-ups and lame excuses long after the fact, go right ahead and watch your beloved "mainstream" media.

Mon May 7, 2:21 AM
By Ted Bridis
original source with full text: Canadian Press/Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) - The surprise explanation behind the U.S. government's sensational but false warnings about mysterious Canadian spy coins is the harmless poppy quarter, the world's first colourized coin.

They were so unfamiliar to suspicious U.S. army contractors travelling in Canada that they filed confidential espionage accounts about them.

The worried contractors described the coins as "anomalous" and "filled with something man-made that looked like nano-technology," said once-classified U.S. government reports and e-mails.

The 25-cent piece features the red image of a poppy inlaid over a maple leaf. The quarter is identical to the coins pictured and described as suspicious in the contractors' accounts.

The supposed nano-technology actually was a conventional protective coating the Royal Canadian Mint applied to prevent the poppy's red colour from rubbing off. The mint produced nearly 30 million such quarters in 2004 commemorating Canada's 117,000 war dead.

"It did not appear to be electronic (analog) in nature or have a power source," wrote one U.S. contractor, who discovered the coin in the cup holder of a rental car.

"Under high-power microscope, it appeared to be complex consisting of several layers of clear but different material, with a wire like mesh suspended on top."

The confidential accounts led to a sensational warning from the U.S. Defence Security Service, an agency of the Defence Department, that mysterious coins with radio frequency transmitters were found planted on U.S. contractors with classified security clearances on at least three separate occasions between October 2005 and January 2006 as the contractors travelled through Canada.

One contractor believed someone had placed two of the quarters in an outer coat pocket after the contractor had emptied the pocket hours earlier.

"Coat pockets were empty that morning and I was keeping all of my coins in a plastic bag in my inner coat pocket," the contractor wrote.

Meanwhile, in Canada, senior intelligence officials expressed annoyance with the U.S. spy-coin warnings as they tried to learn more about the oddball claims.
"That story about Canadians planting coins in the pockets of defence contractors will not go away," Luc Portelance, now deputy director for the Canadian Security Intelligence Service, wrote in a January e-mail to a subordinate.

"Could someone tell me more? Where do we stand and what's the story on this?"
Others in Canada's spy service also were searching for answers. "We would be very interested in any more detail you may have on the validity of the comment related to the use of Canadian coins in this manner," another intelligence official wrote in an e-mail.

Intelligence and technology experts were flabbergasted by the warning when it was first publicized earlier this year. The warning suggested such transmitters could be used surreptitiously to track the movements of people carrying the coins.

"I thought the whole thing was preposterous, to think you could tag an individual with a coin and think they wouldn't give it away or spend it," said H. Keith Melton, a leading intelligence historian.

But Melton said the army contractors properly reported their suspicions.
"You want contractors or any government personnel to report anything suspicious," he said. "You can't have the potential target evaluating whether this was an organized attack or a fluke."

The Defence Security Service disavowed its warning about spy coins after an international furore but until now it has never disclosed the details behind the embarrassing episode. The United States said it never substantiated the contractors' claims and performed an internal review to determine how the false information was included in a 29-page published report about espionage concerns.
The Defence Security Service never examined the suspicious coins, spokeswoman Cindy McGovern said.

"We know where we made the mistake," she said.

"The information wasn't properly vetted. While these coins aroused suspicion, there ultimately was nothing there."

Some of the U.S. documents the AP obtained were classified "Secret/Noforn," meaning they were never supposed to be viewed by foreigners, even the closest U.S. allies. The government censored parts of the files, citing national security reasons, before turning over copies under the U.S. Freedom of Information Act.

Nothing in the documents - except the reference to nanotechnology - explained how the contractors' accounts evolved into a full-blown warning about spy coins with radio frequency transmitters. Many passages were censored, including the names of contractors and details about where they worked and their projects.

But there were indications the accounts should have been taken lightly.
Next to one blacked-out sentence was this warning: "This has not been confirmed as of yet."

The Canadian intelligence documents, which also were censored, were turned over for $5 under the Access to Information Act. Canada cited rules for protecting against subversive or hostile activities to explain why it censored the papers.

I have three suggestions for the the U.S. Department of Defense that may help them avoid such incredible embarassment in future international incidents:

1) Try to lay off the doobies during the work week. Your natural propensity toward extreme paranoia has been charming up until now, but you've been all creepy lately. You're just not the same country I feel in love with years ago. Your unbearable stupidity is tearing our world apart. Literally.

2) Hire that Melton guy! A man who understands defense history is probably less likely to repeat it.

3) Instead of freaking out about colourful money (I know it's some crazy shit, but we've had coloured money for years, so try to get over it), how about focusing your "intelligence" on the really-super-duper-crazy-shit? Like: finding geriatric terrorists in caves and trying to prevent wars you can't win. Okay, yeah - I know it's way more fun to start wars on false pretenses, but that's so 2002! This summer, peace in the Middle East is like, totally back in style!

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Do not disturb

Sunday morning: 7:00 AM

Sunday is really the only day I can sleep-in. With our stressful work and family schedules, I'm sure this is also the case for many of you. I'm not a natural early-riser, but I have trained myself over the years to wake up at 5 am from Monday to Saturday for the job(s) that pay for my nice comfortable bed, among other things. I truly relish the only quiet time I get during the week - Sunday morning.

But today I was jarred awake at 6:30 am by the disagreeable sounds of a third-string reggae cover band blasting over a warbly PA system. The wail of unrelenting airhorns and shouts of "woooooooooohoooooo" rose up from the voices of thousands. I went to the window thinking that Jamaica had finally invaded Canada, just like they've been threatening to do since their devastating loss in Bobsledding at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary. In theory, I'm okay with this, because I figure that cannibis legalization is imminent.

Then I came to the disappointing realization that the loud roar was actually this year's first charity marathon. I seem to forget about this annoying wake-up call through the long winter, but these weekly "fun runs" start in early spring and take place roughly every weekend until October. Thanks to my prime location in the heart of Joggersville (see photo), most of these marathons set up their starting line activities and concert stages just outside my window. There's always a bad PA system, a couple of nasty live bands, waves of cheering and applause, and plenty of garbled, monotone announcements, similar to a subway car, when everyone looks at other and says "huh? what did he just say? Are we in some kind of danger?" It's a bit like living in Jonestown, minus the free refreshments.

Charity run participants: Bless you for hauling your tight little asses out of bed so early on a Sunday to raise money for disease research, hospitals, sick children's camps, and other shit that our government can't be bothered to fund. I appreciate your excellent intentions, I regularly support your efforts through my donations, and Big Mama Karma will award you with your 2-minute mile, or a heart attack, depending on how honest your personal agenda might be.

But at this time of day, please use your indoor voices. I understand that all 9,000 of you are high on wheatgrass smoothies and really pumped about the 10 kilometres of adrenaline that lie ahead, but the rest of us, the people who live here, are SLEEPING. We'll share your excitement in a few more hours, but right now, we'd be grateful if you would shut the hell up.