Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Post # 333: Halfway to Hell

Today's post is the 333rd installment of Rocketradio, and I was rather proud of my half-devil milestone until I realized that I've been blogging for almost four years. You see? This is why I hate math so much. It can quickly turn a special day into mediocre crap.

So in keeping with today's theme of stuff that's evil and/or comes in halves, let's take a look back at my Top 3 Favourite Evil & Half-arsed Posts of All Time. To qualify for this list, each post had to be:

a) at least 50% evil,
b) written quickly, with less than 50% effort,
c) a old favourite (based on Google & Statcounter traffic analysis)

1. Are single girls just too picky? : My needs are simple. I really don't expect very much from a man, but apparently most women do, because the title of this post has been the most popular search term on Rocketradio for over a year.

2. Laundrospat : It took 40 seconds to write this in the heat of anger, and it might be one of the rudest posts I've ever published (it's hard to say - they're all a little bit cunty/little bit rock n roll). It's gross, offensive, shocking... but you must have loved it, because it got a lot of comments.

3. Hosting a fancy summer BBQ? : One sentence + one photo = my most viewed post. I must give full credit to the watermelon.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

REAL mutherf*ckin' snakes. REAL mutherf*ckin' plane.

This news story made me light-headed with giddyness:

Full story: Baby pythons escape during flight in Australia

Whatcho problem, bitch? Just chill, aight.MELBOURNE, Australia - Four baby pythons escaped from a container aboard a passenger plane in Australia, leading to a search that forced the cancellation of two flights, the airline said Thursday.

Twelve non-venemous Stimson pythons were being transported Tuesday on a flight from Alice Springs to Melbourne in the plane's cargo area in a bag inside a plastic foam box with air holes.

When the flight landed, it was discovered four snakes had escaped from the package, a Qantas spokeswoman said in a statement.

A reptile expert searched for the 15-centimetre-long snakes but did not find them.It was not known if the snakes were still on the plane or if they had somehow escaped outside after the plane landed.

Problem: Hmmmm. Possibly something to do with "air holes"?

Solution: "Ok, everybody strap in! I'm about to open some fucking windows!" - Samuel L. Jackson

Monday, April 13, 2009

Praising The Lego Jesus, and Other Short Stories

The following short stories are furnished at the request of one of my favourite new bloggers, Mr. London Street

All hail the Lego JesusBuilding a Blockier Jesus
by Katrocket

How many times have you thought that maybe your life would be a bit sweeter if only someone would just build you a giant Jesus out of Lego?

Well, some very creative Swedish folks have just unveiled their awesome Lego Jesus to the world, and the world has replied: "Wow - that's nice, but WTF is going on with that giant freaky foot there?"

Parishioners of the Oensta Gryta Church in Vaesteras (near Stockholm) built a 6 foot Jesus out of 30,000 Lego blocks. It reportedly took 40 volunteers nearly 18 months to put all the tiny plastic blocks together and grossly overestimate His sandal size.

It got me to thinking: if someone gave you 30,000 white lego blocks, what would you build with them? Feel free to share your Lego masterpiece ideas in the comment thread.

A Letter from Gwen
by Katrocket

I couldn't wait to read her colourful letter, so I opened it in my apartment lobby while I waited for the elevator. The lift opened, I walked in, read her note, and laughed out loud, which brought some puzzled stares from the two other residents in the elevator with me. I flashed them her card with a big smile and gushed: "My friend is a whore."


How All the Change Changed My Life
by Katrocket

Due to an extensive series of unforeseen budget miscalculations (i.e. - I have never made and/or followed a budget), I realized yesterday that I'm flat broke right now. I knew I wasn't going to make it to payday later this week without selling something, like my soul, or perhaps - if I'm really lucky - just my dignity.

I desperately needed money for bus fare, so I started sifting through the big coin jar on my desk for a mittful of quarters, and that's when it hit me: Hey idiot, THESE COINS ARE MONEY!

I remembered there's one of those automated coin counting machines in a supermarket near my office. Maybe I had enough spare change to round up a few dollars and make life a little bit more comfortable for the next few days?

And so began The Reaping of The Coin. I found a surprising stash of coin-filled chalices all over my apartment... pennies packed into mason jars, plastic yogurt containers, flowerpots, even an old fish bowl. Somehow I had amassed over 16 pounds of mixed coins! I know this because I put all the coins in one giant sturdy bag and then weighed them on a scale. Quantitative facts can be important later, when I'm explaining the genesis of my hernia to a healthcare professsional.

I just cashed-in during my lunch break today, and victory is mine! Somehow, out of sheer financial laziness, I had saved up $224.86 in spare change.

The End.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Beaver will set you free

Okay, so I've been gone for a while, but hey - life gets very fast when you're this sexy, my friends.

I'll be back shortly, so in the meantime, why not take a moment to go check out Gwen's beaver*.

* Gwen's beaver is courtesy of the supertalented Beevers at BBJ.ca

And stay tuned for Rocketradio's
upcoming Spring Bling contest
to win a buckle of your very own...