I'll Bet she complains about a lot more than just your small cock

Guy, you know who you are. You keep sending me these annoying e-mails, whining about how your wife constantly complains about your small cock. Well, if she knew you were telling the whole world about it, she'd divorce you, too. I mean, it's a drag that she's got certain expectations, but talking about it is not gonna make it any better.

And you totally make her sound like a bitch, you know. I bet she's just some poor stressed-out lady who's coping with an idiot blabbermouth husband and a really unsatisfying sex life. So take your pills or stretch it out or something. Because no one cares. Except, obviously, your fucking wife.

It's the only pie you're getting tonight, mister.

I get kind of annoyed with people who claim to be allergic to certain foods in order to avoid eating something they don't like. There's a huge difference, people, and that difference is a trip to the emergency room.

So if you don't like the way something tastes, you should just say so, because lying about it "to spare someone's feelings" is completely stupid. I think that once you hit adolescence, you can go ahead an eat whatever you like and not eat what you don't like, and people will pretty much respect your choices. Because faking an allergy is totally douchey.

Case study # 1:

I made a totally awesome coconut creme pie for my dinner date last night and he turned up his nose at it...

Date: Hmmmm. Smells like Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil.
Me: It's coconut creme pie! Homemade!
Date: So it's got coconut in it...
Me: It's kind of a key ingredient.
Date: Ah....yeah. Uh, I'm allergic to coconut.
Me: (concerned) No way! Gosh, I'm sorry, I should have asked...okay no worries. So what happens to you?
Date: What do you mean?
Me: Do you swell up and explode?
Date: No.
Me: Do you turn blue and explode?
Date: Not at all.
Me: So what then? Is it lactose intolerance? Your limbs shrivel up and fall off? Do ya get giant lips? Break out in hives?
Date: I get a really bad taste in my mouth.
Me: That's it? Does that require immediate medical attention?
Date: Not really. I just don't like the taste of coconut, I guess.
Me: So you're not actually allergic to coconut.
Date: Well, no. But I really hate coconut.
Me: Why didn't you just say that?
Date: Well, you went through all this trouble, and it's a beautiful presentation...

What I thought: Shut the fuck up and eat your pie, you big fat liar.

What I said: How about some Oreos? Or are you allergic to those, too?

Tourists are funny

Today I had lunch with a friend of mine who works at the Toronto Tourism Board. She spends most of her day answering calls from inquisitive tourists-to-be on their toll-free information line. It's so unlike me to waste a perfectly good margarita by laughing it right out my nose, but her hotline stories were so damn funny, I totally lost my ability to retain liquids.

REAL questions from the hotline:

Why do French Canadians have a different accent from other Canadians?

How do I apply for the Canadian Express card?

What's all this about Boxing Day in Toronto? Do you box on that day?

I heard about that new law and I'd like to find out... uh, my girlfriend would like to know the best places to go topless in Toronto.

Caller: How far is Boston from Toronto?
My friend: About 900 kilometers, or 565 miles.
Caller: So if I drive using miles, it won't take me as long to get there? Is that what you're saying?

Will the Toronto subway take me to Vancouver?

I'm entertaining some executives visiting from out of town, and I would like to know where they can ride some llamas.

What information do you have on Italy?

I'll miss you

sandy
Originally uploaded by rocketstudio.

Yesterday my mom lost her brief but fierce battle with cancer. She was a witty conversationalist, a patient teacher, a tender and compassionate caregiver, a 3-drink drunk, and the kind of friend you'd definitely want in your corner when things aren't going your way.

She devoted her life to the care and assistance of others -- as a doting grandmother to Zoe & Ethan, as a palliative care nurse, as an activation therapist for the elderly, and as a devoted volunteer at her local hospice. She made a lot of people's misery a lot more bearable. She helped so many lost ones find their way. She could make people laugh out loud when they had no reason to.

My family and I would like to thank you for all your support during the past 5 months. Rocketradio will be going off the air for a week of much needed rest.

Cat vs. Dishwasher. Dishwasher wins.

I think this photo is really hilarious.

Stuffonmycat.com usually features sad images of cats dressed up in crazy outfits looking all pissed-off at their owners, but there's some good comedy treasure to be found there.

The Legacy of the One-Minute Cartoon

About 18 years ago, I worked as an audio-video technician for a large Canadian university. Looking back now, I have to admit it was one of the best jobs I've had: the work was diverse and interesting, my co-workers were all superfun drinking pals, and the environment was quite casual.

I would kick off many a shift with a one-minute cartoon. I did this purely to entertain myself and several of my co-workers when we gathered at Master Control to organize our equipment deliveries for the shift. Each doodle was drawn with a black Sharpie on a 4" x 5" piece of scrap paper, and was always created in one minute or less. Sometimes my colleagues would give me a topic, sometimes not, but they were always juvenile, silly, and very crudely drawn. Each finished drawing was tacked to the wall of the control room until it eventually evolved into a sort of patchwork quilt wallpaper. Of course, I assumed they were torn down and tossed out after I moved on to a different job.

Then last week I bumped into Tony, a cherished friend of many years and the Master of Master Control, still employed with the University. We went for a few pints and he told me he would e-mail me some jokes that I'd really enjoy. A few days later, I received a series of scanned illustrations -- Tony had in fact saved the one-minute cartoons from extinction and had scanned them for posterity! I'm very grateful to him for having the foresight to preserve a little piece of our work-art history. Some of them are dated and a bit cliché almost 2 decades later, but they really cracked us up back then.

click each image to enlarge

When Squirrels Attack!!

7:18 Pm - I was walking through my neighbourhood park on the way home from work, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a grey squirrel attacked me.

A quickly moving blur caught the corner of my eye, momentarily paralyzing me with shock. I reacted in cinematic slow motion as the blur leapt out at me from atop a nearby fence post. It landed on my shoulder, skidded across my back, and used my head as a springboard to launch itself skyward into a nearby low-hanging branch. This sent me into a fit of hysterical shrieking and arm-flailing, which did not go unnoticed by my old nemeses: The Dogwalkers Who Think They Own The Fucking Park.

Don't send hate mail: I actually love dogs. And dog owners. And other people who love dogs and dog owners. But these particularly self-righteous knobs give an evil face to the otherwise innocent and pleasurable hobby of Dog Ownership. The Dogwalkers let their freakyhyper hounds run lose so they can molest me with their grubby noses, and some of the dogs are rather aggressive in the crotch-smelling and leg-humping categories. Nice doggy, please stop fucking me! No lady, I don't think it's cute or precious. Call off your slutty mutt. RIGHT NOW.

Many of The Dogwalkers don't bother to scoop, littering the park with special little gifts from their special little friends -- something everyone can enjoy! And now they were laughing and pointing at me, armed with a good dinner-table story for the folks at home: "you'll never guess what I just saw in the dog park!" Not one of them asked if I was okay.

The squirrel will probably deny the attack. I'm sure it will maintain that it was merely using me as temporary transport location to get from point A to point B. It didn't bite me or cause serious harm, save for a near-coronary and an interesting new hairstyle -- which I kept, by the way. Just another commuter's badge of honour.