I'LL BE BACK

Hey, is anyone still out there? It's been 12 years since my last post and I suddenly find myself needing an outlet for all the weird stories from my daily existence. It will probably be funny. I could use some laughs, so stop by in December for a cocktail and a catch up!

 

In the meantime, I'll try to tidy up the place. 

xo katrocket

The Album Game

I've had a few laughs this week with a design meme from 4chan: The Album Game.

1. Go to Wikipedia and click "Random Article" in the left sidebar. That is your artist name.

2. Go to Wikiquote and click "Random Page" in the left sidebar. The last 3 to 5 words of the article are your album title.

3. Go to flickr's last 7 days page. The 5th image on the page is your album art image.

4. Add your artist name and album title to the image in Photoshop.

5. Taunt your favourite hipster with music they've never heard of.


Here's some of mine... feel free to show me yours.

Beever, 1; Raccoon, 0

Last weekend, I was minding my own business, enjoying a late afternoon cocktail at the Beeverdeck of Lesbieville, when I fell victim to an attempted robbery.

I had left my purse unattended next to my chair for less than a minute while I went back into the house to refresh my Rumonade (my fancy epicurist term for rum and lemonade). I didn't think it was a big deal, because the Beeverdeck has always been a secure and private fortress for drunk-minded individuals. One can only access its discreet rooftop location from the front door of the Beever Glitter Palace, which is heavily guarded by the smoking riff-raff hanging out in front of the landromat next door.

Then I heard Beever outside yelling at someone on the deck, making large noises and screaming "get outta here!" I went to see what the commotion was, and discovered that Beever had thwarted a robbery in progress! A renegade raccoon was digging through my purse and attempting to make off with my wallet, keys, and cell phone.

The rebel raccoon gangs of Lesbieville are well known to the locals for their sneaky, phone-snatching ways and their fierce courage in the shrieking face of humanity. They have always been cheeky little buggers, but their numbers have rapidly increased since the city workers went on strike three weeks ago and all garbage collection was ceased. The urban critters we have learned to co-exist with have broken an unwritten pact to carry out their home invasions after dark. Fortified by protein-rich garbage feasts, they've gotten all ballsy and taken back their land, along with many of the cherished human possessions that lie within it.


But not this little masked fucker. Little did he know of my strong alliance with the Beevers. They are the first line of Kat defense, and if you do somehow manage to get past them, you'll have the Dastardly Squirrel and his fearsome Squirrel Army to reckon with:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So let this be a lesson to all you daredevil ringtailed rat bandits out there: do not mess with the Beevers and Kats, or so help me god, we will blog the hell outta you.

Turkeyboy love

Even though I've been enjoying my semi-retirement from blogging, I still love my American friends too much to let the holiday pass without a big fat hug from Turkeyboy.

Save me some dark meat. You know how I like it juicy.

xoxo

Did I just say that out loud?

convenience
Originally uploaded by Katrocket.

I'm waiting in a long line-up at my tiny neighbourhood convenience store. The store is packed, and the staff is changing shifts. The man at the front of the line is trying to open a video rental account and is arguing with Claude (pictured here). The man has no identification and no credit card, so Claude is refusing him an account. Those are the boss' rules, so he's just doing his job.

Everyone's impatient and frustrated. Not because Video dude is holding up the line, but because we're all forced to listen to the most obnoxious conversation between a young college gal and her boyfriend.

The woman has a loud nasal voice that's more piercing that Fran Drescher and Mary Hart put together. She's openly and emphatically complaining that her co-workers think she's stupid. She's ranting that she doesn't get enough respect in the office, and she's smarter than the rest of them so they really should listen to her. They're all jealous of her because she's beautiful and sexy and they are tired, fat, old hags. In each of her sentences, every third word is "like" and every fifth word is "fuckin'". Her boyfriend says nothing, he just nods and looks around. He appears embarrassed and seems to be looking for an escape route.

I think to myself: Perhaps they are jealous of your astounding vocabulary?

Everyone in the store turns and looks at me. A few people stifle their giggles. She stares at me open mouthed.

Oh shit - did I just say that out loud?

[If you just got deja vu, this story was originally published on Oct 20/06. I'm reposting it for That Blue Yak. Claude is now retired. That silly cunt in the store still lives in my building, and gives me the stinkeye everytime I run into her. I still have a big mouth.]

PMS Confessions

I just watched
Little House on the Prairie
and that stupid blind girl
made me cry.

Three lame jokes you can't get from Grant Miller Media

1. What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

2. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

3. What's black and white and has wheels?
A zebra. (I totally lied about the wheels part!)

Katrocket's favourite smoking children hanging out with a chicken*

* eye patch sold separately

Katrocket's Favourite Poorly Photoshopped Smoking Children Wearing an Eye Patch and Hanging Out With a Monkey

Falwless










HONOURABLE MENTION:

The Coreys

Katrocket's Top 10 Sexiest Patchelors

1. Phil Ken Sebben

2. Angelina Jolie

3. Archangel

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Patch

 

5. Elle Driver

6. Number Two

7. Snake

8. Molotov Cocktease

9. General Chang

10.Sagat

International Cussin' 101

I swear too much. There was a time when I had control over my potty mouth in professional situations, but now that I'm self-employed and I don't have any uptight co-workers to worry about, my colourful vocabulary sometimes creeps into a business conversation before my brain even realizes it's happened.

Catherinette Singleton has recently gone on a cussing diet, and her success story has inspired me to do the same. But I couldn't go cold turkey. I needed a placebo, and there's no skin patch for swearing cessation, so I tried the Homer Simpson Swear Jar approach.

Last week, I put a dollar into a jar everytime I said a bad word. But then I used that $186 to restock my liquor cabinet, which only helped me to see the awesome benefits of bad language, and encouraged me to cuss a lot more than usual.

But this week, I've stumbled upon a cleaner route to a sharper tongue: swearing in foreign languages. Twenty years of international travel, angry foreign lovers, and a multicultural posse have armed me with a vast vocabulary of highly offensive words in over 15 different languages. It's hard for folks to get offended about things they don't understand (the Christian Right exempted). Therefore, calling someone a "pizza" to their face sounds a lot more civil than calling them a cunt. And yet my brain is still able to register that same sweet feeling of satisfaction.

Normally I would offer a comprehensive list of exceptionally vulgar expletives and insults for the home and workplace right here on Rocketradio, but it's very powerful stuff and children might be reading (they come here for the porn). If you're interested in taking a free course, sign up in the comment section and I'll post a lesson if there's enough interest.

one year (8 words)

Time heals all wounds.
Except for this one.


[Thinking of you. xo]

Reading between the lines, Part 2: Resumés

In the previous post, we examined the secret language of job postings and their hidden meanings, so I thought it was only fair to offer a look at resumés and cover letters, and how recruiters process that information.

Some of you dear readers have mentioned that you've had the joyous experience of hiring staff and screening job applications, and I, too, have shared your pain. The process can be long and arduous -- scanning hundreds of hopeful candidates, wading through an ocean of ridiculous spelling/grammar mistakes and cliché buzzword bullshit, praying you'll find The One before you scratch out your own eyes and jump from a window.

There are plenty of sites dedicated to stupid mistakes on job applications, but only Rocketradio has uncovered the secret language of resumés:

"I am calm and effective in crisis situations." : I take a lot of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I take pride in my work." : I am quick to blame others for my mistakes.

"friendly and personable": I enjoy giving unsolicited advice to my co-workers.

"outgoing" : I'm rarely at my desk.

"advanced computer skills" : I know MS Word!

"resourceful" : I steal office supplies.

"honest, hard-working, and dependable" : I rat on people who steal office supplies.

"I possess above-average communication and organizational skills" : I'm kinda bossy and I never shut the fuck up.

"proven talent in creative writing": I will be blogging during company time.

"highly adaptable" : I change jobs every 3 to 6 months.

"highly motivated to succeed" : I'm leaving this job as soon as I find a better one.

"socially conscious and active in the community" : I drink a lot.

"able to quickly identify problems" : I complain a lot.

"good listening skills" : I rarely have ideas of my own.

"charismatic" : I have no interest in anyone's opinion but my own.

"I am very professional" : I have a daytimer. I carry it in my briefcase.

"I have a professional attitude." : I'm a pompous dickhead.

"excellent presentation skills" (on a woman's CV): I show a lot of cleavage at business meetings.

"excellent presentation skills" (on a man's CV): I own two suits.

"aggressive, ambitious, self-starter" : I'm a total nightmare to work with, but I think I'm quite awesome.

"I excel in a team environment" : I don't pull my weight, but I'm really good at taking credit for stuff I didn't do.

"I work well with others" : I have been accused of sexual harrassment.

"I have a great sense of humour": I have been accused of sexual harrassment.

"demonstrated leadership qualities" : I'm a loud talker.

"excellent intuitive judgment" : I know when to disappear.

"effective time management skills" : I'm a clock watcher.

"detail-oriented" : I'm a nitpicker.

"strong interpersonal skills" : I'm the office gossip.

"willing to relocate": I am so tired of living in my car.

"willing to work overtime/flexible shifts" : Things are pretty miserable at home.

"available immediately" : I have been unemployed for months and I'm very desperate.

"thank you for your time and consideration in reviewing my CV" : If you hire me, I'll do anything you ask. Anything.

"I look forward to hearing from you." : I'm waiting for my form rejection letter.

Reading between the lines, Part 1: Job postings

I've been scanning plenty of job boards lately, and I've become fluent in the secret language that recruiters use to write their help wanted ads. Logic dictates that not all jobs can be good jobs, which means there's lots of terrible jobs that no one wants, and lots of desperate employers trying to fill those jobs by any means necessary.

Correct usage of the secret language is like Febreezing a room full of smokers. The stank is still there, but now your nose and throat stings like Morning Mist, so really, you can't smell anything anymore. Similarly, a well-written job posting can lure a wide range of intelligent, qualified candidates to any tragic workplace you can imagine, simply by masking the odour of their own incompetence with the sweet smell of fruity job prose. This is why it's so important to read between the lines.

Think about your job and your workplace. Now try to remember what the want ad for that job once said. Is it what you expected? Better or worse? Your comments will provide valuable research data on this subject.

In the meantime, to help you navigate the often deceptive world of career opportunities, here's a sampler of phrases used in job ads that you should be wary of.

"self-starter" or "self-motivated" : We're not going to train you, but we're going to expect you to know where everything is and how everything works here. Some mindreading ability would be good.

"fast-paced work environment" (this one's courtesy of Mr. Radloff): We're always in panic mode and there's never enough time to do your job right and people will always be yelling at you.

"a challenging and rewarding career" : There will be many many many challenges and one or two rewards bi-annually. I hope you like pizza parties!

"competitive salary" : We are able to remain competitive by paying you a low salary.

"salary commensurate with experience" : The lowest salary you will be granted after being duped into believing that your experience, however rich and overqualified, isn't up to our expectations.

"detail-oriented" : We have absolutely no quality control happening here, and no one has time to check their work, so you'll be taking the blame for that continuing to happen.

"some overtime may be required" : Some on each weeknight, and some on each weekend.

"must be a strong multi-tasker" : You'll be replacing 3 people who just quit.

"seeking career-minded person" : You better not have kids. Or a spouse. Or parents. Or friends. It would be best for us if you just had nothing going on in your life.

"other duties as assigned" or "assist teams with requests" : A bunch of lazy asshats are going to be bossing you around. See also: Psychotic Secretary

"deadline-oriented" : You'll be 3 months behind on your first day.

"looking for a dynamic individual" : We're looking for an ass-kissing autobot who will buy us all drinks after work.

"must be highly organized" : Your boss is highly disorganized.

"strong/excellent interpersonal skills" : You should be a consummate manipulator with a natural aptitude for back-stabbing.

"creative thinker" : We kinda suck at generating ideas, so we'll be taking yours. Please don't expect any recognition or additional compensation for your talent, which in no way must be allowed to exceed or overshadow that of your superiors.

"fast-growing company!" : The company is fast-growing rich at the expense of your fast-growing ulcer!

"enthusiastic team player" : You'll be doing everyone else's work, in addition to your own.

"commission plus bonus incentives" : You get to eat anything you kill yourself.

"generous benefit package" : Standard statuatory holidays and a first aid kit in the kitchen.

"progressive work environment" : You will hate this place more and more with each passing day.

Tune in tomorrow, when we'll present a fair and balanced look at the secret language of resumés and cover letters...

Craigslist: Not ideal for job hunters

If you're a regular reader of The Idea of Progress, then you may already be familiar with those batshit crazy "missed connections" ads from Craigslist. Idea's Best of Craigslist series has featured touching stories of homeless romance, starcrossed addicts, and subway stalkers.

So it goes without saying that I should stop looking for a job on Craigslist. But these are desperate times, and I am slowly becoming acquainted with desperate measures.

Excerpt of job posting on craigslist:

TOUGH BOSS LOOKING FOR MINIONS
Tough boss needs admin support in busy office. $42K and perks galore for the right candidate. Must handle stress with grace. You should be proficient with all basic computer programs required for administrative functions. If you have to ask what these are, do not apply!

It takes a special kind of person to use the word minion in a want ad. I guess you have to have a sense of humour about it, because it's true. Anyways, you sound like a bitch, so good luck with that sweetheart.