Thursday, January 18, 2007

the real Thing

I still get several e-mails a month asking for updates on my former lover, that influential pop culture extremity we simply call Thing.

You may remember this talented hand for his groundbreaking work as the silent-but-friendly dismembered guest-greeter and confidante of The Addams Family, a role that catapulted him to superstardom in the mid 1960s, and paved the way for more prominent handjobs in feature films worldwide.

Thing enjoyed an unrivaled 30-year career in over 4,000 television adverts (most notably as spokeshand for Coca-Cola, Palmolive, Country Crock margarine, Band-Aid and Isotoner) , but by the time I met him through my manicurist a few years ago, he was a washed-up hands-been.

Still, I couldn't help but fall for his disarmingly polite charm and strong, silent machismo. He was energetic, snappy, well-groomed, and pointed my life in a new direction. His magic fingers made him one of the most thrilling lovers I've ever known. He got along handily with all my friends, he was always thoughtful about lighting my cigars and fetching my mail, and as you can see from these file photos, Thing was the life of every party:

But alas, our feverish love did not last. You see, Thing lived entirely in the past, eventually boring me (and everyone around him) with stories of his glory days. He wouldn't shut up about that time he arm-wrestled Grandmama for her life savings, or that time he snuck into bed with Gomez and Morticia for a delightful round of Three-Hand Poke'r. I couldn't stand it anymore, and suggested he pursue his dream of living the good life under a tropical sun. Without me.

At first, he was really angry. He flipped me the bird several times and told me to pull his finger. Thinking all his dreams were out of reach, he fisted his way through several more dead-end handjobs, until finally earning enough to move to the Caribbean. We lost touch and I hadn't heard from Thing since.

But all that changed today -- I just received this photo by e-mail!

I'm pleased to report that Thing is enjoying a sunny and active retirement in St. Lucia, hanging out with the rich & famous like Beyoncé (pictured here accepting a lit cigar from Thing), and finally surrounded by others who, like him, never tire of telling tales of their own glorious past. Just look at that beautiful tan! I gotta hand it to him, he looks fabulous!

I only remember the good times now, and I wish him all the very best.

For as long as I live, I will never forget the real Thing.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Spam is pretty funny sometimes.

Hei Chap

I don't care why your meat is so small, but 85% of women do.
They are pretty sure that bigger member will make their desire stronger. You have the chance to change your life.

Here [URL removed] you can get the thing.

It will help you for sure.
The remedy can be sent worldwide.
If you wont be satisfied - we will return all you money.
No bullshit.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Operation Coin-Op

To: all CSIS Operatives []

From: CSIS Exec Director[]

Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 6:55 AM

Subject: Operation Coin-Op

IMPORTANT MEMO to all Branches

It has come to my attention that Canadian coins containing tiny radio transmitters have mysteriously appeared in the pockets of at least 3 U.S. defense industry workers. At this time I’d like to once again remind all staff that the Listen & Learn Commemorative Toonies you received as a parting gift at last month’s Christmas party are NOT legal tender and thus should not be used to purchase your daily double-double at the Tim Horton’s across the street. No Starbucks either. I'm talking to you, Vancouver office.

We have reason to believe the most recent leak may have occurred at HQ last week, when that humourless fellow from the Pentagon was in the Ottawa office to discuss the Maher Arar fuck-up. Remember the guy that Gord "debriefed"? Yeah, that was pretty funny. Anyways, he was a real good sport about it so Dave & Larry from I.T. Services gave him a mittfull of change and sent him over to the plaza to buy coffee and Timbits for the gang. It is possible that a Listen & Learn Commemorative Toonie may have accidentally made its way into the supplied currency, and that cheap bugger stiffed us on the change, which resulted in the employee unknowingly carrying the device directly into Pentagon offices upon his return to the U.S.

I realize that only a true expert from the Mint can differentiate a hollow, coin-shaped tin container with visible seams and Intel inside!™ logo from the solid nickel and copper bimetallic craftwork of a real Toonie coin, however, this justifiable oversight is causing tremendous panic in our neighbours to the South, not to mention untold damage to the surprisingly high value of the Canadian dollar.

Our beloved leaders in Parliament have been working diligently to undermine homegrown exports and sign unfavourable U.S. trade agreements that put hard-working Canadian independents out of business so that we can all enjoy a strong national currency on the international market. Unfortunately, this recent "spycoin" incident has many foreign investors nervous about flooding our markets with cheaply produced goods of inferior quality. Americans already think everyone is out to get them, and this event (especially when paired with our first-quality marijuana) has only reinforced their acute sense of paranoia, resulting in a Level Orange distrust of The Man. The U.S. Ambassador is really pissed about this. He even told me so over drinks at my place last night.

The international media still won’t shut up about the Litvinenko poisoning and those non-existent WMDs in Iraq, so there’s a fair chance this incident will not blow over until the MI5 step up and do something even more stupid. Until that happens, I’m issuing a voluntary recall of all remaining Listen & Learn Commemorative Toonies.

This recall will require the utmost discretion from all Operatives. Please drop your "coins" into the clear glass jar clearly marked SEND A SICK KID TO CAMP at the front reception desk, along with your business card. You will be compensated with a $20 gift certificate for any participating Philthy McNasty’s CrabShack and Cheese Emporium in the tri-county area, in addition to my personal gratitude.

Thanking you in advance for your anticipated cooperation,

Anne Murray
Executive Director
Canadian Security Intelligence Service
Ottawa ON

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

The Golden Rocket awards

Award season is almost upon us and so begins another year of my excruciating love/hate relationship with awards shows. I'll try not to bore you with a rant about how fucked-up I think these shows are. The idea of further rewarding celebrity assholes above and beyond the millions they already get paid for playing make-believe is PURE INSANITY, but that's not my focus here.

What I love about awards shows: the awesome fashion, and more importantly, the awesome fashion disasters; making fun of famous people (yes, it does make me feel superior. Is there a problem?); the heady anticipation that someone will drop the F-bomb, flash a tit, or envoke Satan during a live broadcast.

What I hate about awards shows: everything else.

We all know that these events are really just a PR vehicle for the entertainment industry to sell more product. It's a crying shame it's come to this, because there are plenty of real moments of entertainment pleasure that certain artists should be honoured for, but will never be. Maybe it's because they aren't popular enough, or pretty enough, or PC enough.

So before I hurl offensive insults at my TV this weekend, I'd like to honour all the people that greatly entertained me in 2006 with my first annual GOLDEN ROCKET AWARDS, a guilded rocket cocktail shaker given in recognition of the outstanding entertainment that amused Katrocket's brain.

Films of the Year
Borat- Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan It cost me $12 to laugh my ass off for 90 minutes. THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT VALUE. Give that man a Golden Rocket Shaker and a spa giftbag!

Honourable mentions: Little Miss Sunshine; Casino Royale; Thank You for Smoking; Children of Men

Documentary of the Year : An Inconvenient Truth Scarier than Saw III, I kid you not.

Best TV:
Heroes (best new show)
Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
House M.D.
The Mercer Report
Daily Show/Colbert Report
Robot Chicken
CSI (original Vegas series)
The Office
Arrested Development (R.I.P.)

Favourite CDs: Thom Yorke The Eraser; Madonna Confessions on a Dance Floor (yes, a Madonna album, but seriously, it's disco-licious!)

Funniest thing I saw on YouTube in 2006:

Blogs of the Year: at risk of offending/alienating the 6 people who read this blog... Steakbellie (for overall hi-frequency/hi-quality posts); Go Fug Yourself (for fashion comedy); The Nonist (for design & content); Phlog (for awesome gayness); Gallery Crawl (for tireless, but thankless, coverage of the local art scene). Honourable mentions to the blogs I read regularly -- I won't list them all because the links are in the sidebar to the left. Thank you all for entertaining me with your wit and wisdom each & every month. Please pick up your Golden Rocket shaker at the coatcheck.

Word of the year: PARTISTE [pahr-teest'] - A practitioner of the fine art of party. Word origin credited to the Beever.

Thrilling Sports Moment: Micheal Schumacher's final race - Brazilian GP. Before retiring as the most winning driver in motorsport history, Schumi races his Ferrari off, but cannot make up for the huge point deficit in the championship to beat Fernando Alonso. Renault's swarthy little Spaniard wins the 2006 championship, but Schumi wins my heart.

Best "FUCK YOU ALL": Daniel Craig's 007 in Casino Royale. The movie may have been a bit of a yawner after the first hour, but most agreed that Craig's Bond totally rocked, including all the critics who damned the short, blond, unknown actor a full 18 months before the movie ever hit the theatres. Good on you, Daniel Craig. Enjoy your moment of gloating and your Golden Rocket Shaker (not stirred). It also gives me another happy opportunity to post this, my favourite image of 2006.

MediaManipulation Triumph: UK urban artist Banksy, for this stunt.

Best Outing of the Obvious: Clay Aiken. Clayken, it's okay to love Jesus and be gay. Fine, most Jesus-lovers disagree, but they're probably just jealous of your hair. You should have slapped that irritating Kelly Ripa when you had the chance.

The 2006 Time Capsule: Brangelina, TomKat, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, the Beckhams, and Beyonce should all be crammed into a stone box and buried for 100 years. Go directly to hell - do not pass GO, do not collect Golden Rocket Shaker.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

How Toronto Are You?

Last week, fellow Blogger Artie Lange tested my knowledge of his local lifestyle by asking "How New Jersey are You?". Turns out I was 68% Jersey, which could provide unexpected evidence that Ontario and New Jersey may have been twins separated at birth, or at the very least, from the same loose woman with two different dudes. To further explore these hypotheses, Artie suggested he'd like to take a "How Toronto Are You?" test and then compare scores afterwards.
But there were no such quizzes in existence, so with help from an entertaining site called, I developed my own:

How Toronto Are You? Tell me your score!