Friday, January 12, 2007

Operation Coin-Op

To: all CSIS Operatives []

From: CSIS Exec Director[]

Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 6:55 AM

Subject: Operation Coin-Op

IMPORTANT MEMO to all Branches

It has come to my attention that Canadian coins containing tiny radio transmitters have mysteriously appeared in the pockets of at least 3 U.S. defense industry workers. At this time I’d like to once again remind all staff that the Listen & Learn Commemorative Toonies you received as a parting gift at last month’s Christmas party are NOT legal tender and thus should not be used to purchase your daily double-double at the Tim Horton’s across the street. No Starbucks either. I'm talking to you, Vancouver office.

We have reason to believe the most recent leak may have occurred at HQ last week, when that humourless fellow from the Pentagon was in the Ottawa office to discuss the Maher Arar fuck-up. Remember the guy that Gord "debriefed"? Yeah, that was pretty funny. Anyways, he was a real good sport about it so Dave & Larry from I.T. Services gave him a mittfull of change and sent him over to the plaza to buy coffee and Timbits for the gang. It is possible that a Listen & Learn Commemorative Toonie may have accidentally made its way into the supplied currency, and that cheap bugger stiffed us on the change, which resulted in the employee unknowingly carrying the device directly into Pentagon offices upon his return to the U.S.

I realize that only a true expert from the Mint can differentiate a hollow, coin-shaped tin container with visible seams and Intel inside!™ logo from the solid nickel and copper bimetallic craftwork of a real Toonie coin, however, this justifiable oversight is causing tremendous panic in our neighbours to the South, not to mention untold damage to the surprisingly high value of the Canadian dollar.

Our beloved leaders in Parliament have been working diligently to undermine homegrown exports and sign unfavourable U.S. trade agreements that put hard-working Canadian independents out of business so that we can all enjoy a strong national currency on the international market. Unfortunately, this recent "spycoin" incident has many foreign investors nervous about flooding our markets with cheaply produced goods of inferior quality. Americans already think everyone is out to get them, and this event (especially when paired with our first-quality marijuana) has only reinforced their acute sense of paranoia, resulting in a Level Orange distrust of The Man. The U.S. Ambassador is really pissed about this. He even told me so over drinks at my place last night.

The international media still won’t shut up about the Litvinenko poisoning and those non-existent WMDs in Iraq, so there’s a fair chance this incident will not blow over until the MI5 step up and do something even more stupid. Until that happens, I’m issuing a voluntary recall of all remaining Listen & Learn Commemorative Toonies.

This recall will require the utmost discretion from all Operatives. Please drop your "coins" into the clear glass jar clearly marked SEND A SICK KID TO CAMP at the front reception desk, along with your business card. You will be compensated with a $20 gift certificate for any participating Philthy McNasty’s CrabShack and Cheese Emporium in the tri-county area, in addition to my personal gratitude.

Thanking you in advance for your anticipated cooperation,

Anne Murray
Executive Director
Canadian Security Intelligence Service
Ottawa ON

1 comment:

ArtieLange said...

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