Friday, August 31, 2007

Your opinion goes here

Dear Friends:

I am creating a new blog today on WordPress. I intend to use it as a writing portfolio, so this new location will go in a bit of a different direction, and include more photography, short stories, and writing assignments, and less of my personal ranting and raving. I would like to include some of the best stories from Rocketradio archives, and your input would be very helpful.

As valued listeners of Rocketradio, your opinions are always of great importance. So if you have a favourite Rocketradio story in the archives, and you think it should be included in my writing portfolio, please leave your comment here.

I'd also like to give props to WordPress. It has a lot of great features and it's been a pleasure to navigate so far. I was able to import this entire blog, (including photos and everyone's comments!) in about 10 minutes and their templates are very cool. Oh, and you won't have to sign up for an account just to leave a comment, either!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Another setback in the Fight Against Pants

I'm no fan of Britney Spears, but like many of you out there, I AM a fan of pantslessness**. Which is why I have mixed feelings about this:

At what point in the nosedive portion of one's career does a person say: "What the fuck. People hate me anyways. I might as well be comfortable."

I appreciate the awareness that a high profile trainwreck like Ms. Spears is bringing to The Cause, except that no one cleared this endorsement with the Board. I mean, it's not like she's the first Hollywood whackjob spokeserson we've had over the years:

But sweetie, the goal is to inspire people to join in the fun with you, not make fun of you. And those boots. Lady, enough with those boots already.

Incidentally, for any interested parties, International No Pants Day is always the first Friday in May, but frequent practise is encouraged throughout the year, when climate conditions permit.

** Brits: Just so we're clear, for the purposes of this blog post, and the celebration of No Pants Day, "pants" are defined as trousers, not knickers.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Further proof that I'm not a deaf retard

While making plans to meet some friends this evening, my friend asks if I'm planning to invite the Incomprehensible Brit:

"And will you be bringing the Geico lizard with you? I already have insurance you know, mate."

I have to say, I'll still take the Gekko over the Cavemen I usually date.

Dale has made my fantasy a reality!

Sorry, it's not as juicy as the title would suggest, but here I am - living the dream and gettin' jiggy wit' my celebrity crush, Daniel Craig. We're TOO HOT.

Daniel: call me!

Oh, you too, Dale.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Being a valued customer is so awesome

This morning I got a call from a telemarketer, representing my local communications company...

Telemarketer: Could I please speak to Mr. or Mrs. Katrocket?

Me: Speaking!

Telemarketer: (a little more confused now) Uh...could I please speak to Mrs. Katrocket?

Me: Yes. This is her. Can I help you?

Telemarketer: Ah! hello ma'am - how are you today? My name is [Telemarketer] and since you are a valued customer of Gigantic Communications Company Inc., I'm calling to offer you a special low rate when you sign up for our mobile phone service...

Me: I already subscribe to your mobile phone service.

Telemarketer: According to my records, you do not have a mobile phone account with us, ma'am.

Me: According to my records, I've been paying for this cellular account for over a year, and in fact I'm talking to you on my cell phone right now.

Telemarketer: There must be some mistake.

Me: Obviously it's on your end. Anything else?

Telemarketer: Can I interest you in our hi-speed internet service? We offer the fastest download speeds at the lowest prices, and...

Me: I already have an internet account with you.

Telemarketer: Really? According to my records...

Me: I think we just established that your records may not be entirely accurate.

Telemarketer: [pause] Oh... m'am? Oh, excuse me! I'm so very sorry, I was reading off another account on my screen here! [laughter] Silly me! ... um... are you Mr. Smith?

Me: Do I sound like Mr. Smith? I'm Ms. Katrocket...remember?

Telemarketer: Ah yes! Mrs. Katrocket... right?

Me: Yes, sir. Ms. Katrocket...

Telemarketer: yes - Ms. Katrocket...I'm calling you because you are a valued customer of Gigantic Communications Company Inc., and we would like to offer you a special low rate when you sign up for our mobile phone service...

Me: Are you serious?

Telemarketer: Yes! It's an exceptional savings package and tailored to meet your personal needs!

Me: But I just told you, I already have a mobile account with you.

Telemarketer: Perhaps you would be interested in our hi-speed internet services?

Me: *click*

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Communication shakedown

I'm dating a guy I just don't understand.

Sure, we've all had those times when we can't relate to our partner, or we don't agree on a particular subject, or we don't get why they behave in certain ways. My problem is a bit different: I don't understand too many of the words that come out of his mouth.

*click image to enlarge*

He has a very, very thick accent and uses a great deal of his native slang in conversation. I have no fucking idea what he's talking about most of the time. So I end up nodding and laughing at inappropriate times, answering his questions incorrectly, or worse -- saying "oh yeah? that's great!" and then not answering his question at all. Sometimes I panic and completely change the subject.

He thinks I'm "eccentric" and "mysterious". He's sweet and charming and very intelligent (I think - I mean, he sounds like he knows what he's talking about), so I'd like to keep seeing this guy, but I might need subtitles or sign language to go any further. I'm already constantly asking him to slow down, or repeat himself, and why he doesn't think I'm a deaf retard, I'll never know.

I'm usually quite confident in my conversational abilities, and I often rely on my witty répartée and sense of humour to charm my way about town. But with this guy, I've been a complete idiot on every date, and yet he keeps coming back for more. I'm not sure if this is a testament to the Awesomeness of Me, or if men will just tolerate anything for a regular go at a big-breasted gal who gets all randy after a few drinks.

Is it okay to politely tell someone you really like that their english sucks?

Oh, and what if he happens to be English?

America's Got (No) Talent

**This is not an anti-American post. Canada's got no talent either (it all moved to the U.S. in the 80s) but right now, Canadian networks don't offer a comparable talent-torturefest to rip-off for a clever title. **

I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday (shut up), and he was talking to bitchy stage mothers who pressure their young children into being child stars in order to support their family and allow the unfulfilled parents to live a life of luxury in public eye. Phil is just trying to spare us from the future Dina Lohan's of the world, and for that, he has my gratitude.

I think it's fine to encourage your children to try acting or singing if they have a real talent and passion for it, but these kids really couldn't sing or dance or act. They were kinda cute, in the way that little kids are funny and adorable in their school recital, but they all possessed a terribly distorted sense of entitlement and self-worth. They were mostly wee hacks in training, saying things like "I'm a triple threat!" and "I'm going to win an Oscar by the time I'm 12!" One 10-year old girl actually said "I don't know what I'll do if I can't act and model. I don't know how to do anything else." You're 10, darlin'. Just stay in school and you'll do fine.

Every parent thinks their kids are super amazing, and it's great to give your kids confidence in themselves, but something pretty ugly transpires when that kid grows up thinking they are The Best Ever, and all those nay-sayers (i.e. - Simon Cowell, casting agents, audiences) just "don't know real talent when they see it". This is how fugly girls end up crying in the hallway of a hotel at an Idol audition, screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW ME, you f****** a****** co**su**ker! I'll make it widout 'chu! I can sing! I'M GONNA BE A STAR!!!"

Ok, yes, some of these kids have the it-factor, and some will become famous in spite of their shortcomings (see William Hung, or any number of pantieless female celebrities), but there's a much larger majority of depressed waiters and parking valets out there, living in the aftermath of their broken Hollywood dreams.

There's a fine line between thinking you're good at something and actually being good at something, and our reality TV pop culture has already created two or three generations of utterly delusional "entertainers". Of course, in a world of hit songs about umba-rellas and lipgloss, and a thousand D-lister reality shows on 200 channels, it's a lot easier to build a career without possessing the prerequisite criteria. Sometimes a network just needs warm bodies (with sweet racks). Persistence can be a good thing in show business, I suppose, but not at the expense of one's humility.

Just ask this guy!

Here's a well-respected judge of talent who would never trade his integrity for fame.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

You're fired.

Donald Trump isn't the only heartless asshole who gets to use these words on occasion.

I'm sorry Mr. Bananas, I know you tried very hard, but I think maybe that's the problem: you tried a little too hard.

In just 24 hours, you've managed to piss me off slightly more than you usually do on your own blog. When you say weird things on your blog, it's funny! When you say them on Rocketradio, it's almost like I'm saying them, and that's a little creepy. So let's call the whole thing "a dynamic social experiment" and just leave it at that.

In case you're wondering "where did it all go so wrong for Mr. Bananas?", here's a timeline:

1) Thou shalt not impersonate me. EVER. Charging out of the gates pretending to be Katrocket will not win the approval of Management. That remark about ogling T while playing golf made me puke in my mouth a little (uh, no offense, T) and I would never think my favourite videos are lame. It's cool if other people (like you) think they're lame, but if you're going to play the game of impostery, at least try to stay in character. Yes, I know "impostery" isn't a word. Screw it, I make up words all the time.

2) NO ONE discusses religion on this blog, mister. Not even me. Making fun of religion is still allowed to a certain degree, so long as it's really funny. I did consider advising you of this ONE rule I have, but I thought "No, he would never discuss religion on a blog that is essentially not his own. Who would do that?" I might concede that JW isn't so much a "religion" as it is a "cult", but yes, this still qualifies as "blowing up the place".

3) Three posts in one day? I can't follow up that kind of posting frequency. Expectations will be raised, and we can't have that. Are you trying to make me look bad? Plus - there are other contributors here, friend. Did you think of letting anyone else get 8-words in edgewise? Help me Obi-Wan Caratzas, you're my only hope.

4) Attracting anonymous comments from online gamers looking for Pogo tokens? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh sure, it's all very innocent at first, but before you know it, there's a crude little IRC chat window running in the sidebar with 15 year old boys swapping cheat codes for Halo2. That was the last straw. I'm afraid if I let this trend continue for 2 more weeks, my inbox will be flooded with pics of nerds dressed as Romulans.

In closing, I would like to offer my deepest gratitude to Mr. Bananas for his contributions to Rocketradio, and may he impress his compadres with this Badge of Honour: the first guest of an adult content blog to be censored for objectionable material, and then tagged to memorialize the occasion.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Let me say This about That

Some of you know I'm a kind of secular prude. Meaning me, Bert Bananas, guest blogger to the Stars.

I don't use profanity. I very rarely drop the F bomb in public. My wife knows I love the F bomb, but saving it for just between the two of us makes it very special. But I do use the F bomb, along with other gross and nasty words when I'm driving. I employ a zero tolerance position when I'm behind the wheel, and behind schedule.

My prudery prohibits me from discussing certain topics and giving voice to certain truths on my own blog. I know it's silly, but there it is. I know four of my kids read my blog (probably looking for evidence to use later at the commitment hearings). Maybe the fifth one reads it too, but is just too much of a prude to admit it?

So here goes one rant that I couldn't do on my blog: Religion, what's up with that?

It was gauche for Lenin (or was it Marx?) to label religion the opiate of the masses. Not only tres gauche, but also wildly incorrect. It's the F'ing caffeine of the masses! The Meth of the Masses, even! People go positively ape-shit over religion!

Last Saturday I stopped at Wal*Mart in the early morning to get a bag of ice for my cooler. It's tied down in the back of the van. I opened up the back of the van and was arranging my beverage containers so that the pouring of the ice would be effective for all the bottles. Suddenly I hear a voice.

It was a JW. (Jehovah's Witness) JayDubs now find it more effective to haunt parking lots than go door to door and have Big-T open the front door wearing only a lob wedge and a rose behind each ear.

After the carefree intro, he offers me his magazine, and pitches it as offering a cure for stress. Thus giving me the theme for that morning's sermon. Swear to Bobby Jones, this is very close to being word for word:

"Stress? You're representing a religion that wants to pitch being a relief from stress? Can't you see just how surreal you're being? Or rather, have been talked into being? The second greatest source of stress for modern man is religion. What's the first? I'm glad you asked. The greatest stress in a man's life is wondering when he's going to finally get laid, and then that's immediately followed by the stress of wondering when he's going to get laid again.

"And did you know that without religion, we might not have the stress of worrying about getting laid? Because maybe then people would all truly be brothers and sisters and not withhold sex, like it was some sacred prize. Maybe without religion around, single women would give it up if a guy who smelled clean and looked neat simply said please and thank you! It could happen!

"I got rid or religion, finally, and I'm am here to testify to you that, as no one is my witness, I have found the truth, and the truth has set me free. Now go and sin no more."

He wanted to babble about how religion had helped him, but I assured him he was mistaken, but that if he was happy hobbling along with that particular crutch, he should revel in that contentment and leave others to find their own ways.

I never had the chance to give him one of my Laztheist tracts. The latest one has a tremendous article in it, titled, "All the answers to the questions you're never going to ask." Like all the previous offerings from the Laztheist press, the pages are empty, but it comes with a four pack of crayolas.

I'm very serious about this. If religion has helped you, that's wonderful. But if you try to preach back that religion is good for the soul, I'm gonna have to rip you a new one. Isn't it the most sefl evident truth possible that if religion were good for mankind, after 6,000 years of it we'd be in a better place?

(Kat, does this count as 'blowing up the place'?)

Wherein I confess Everything

Yes, I've tried to keep secrets from you. Those of you have have seen my photo collections on Flickr are scratching your heads..."She's kept secrects? I don't THINK so! Kat shows more skin than an nudist at his prostate exam," you're saying.

But you'd be wrong. I have many secrets, as well as secret places! Mon Dieu!

Here is my confession: My screen name on Pogo is kershawkrazy. Mabye some day, when we come to know each other as well as siamese twins, I will tell you how I came by this tres jolie screen name.

But that is for later. Now I am telling you that I am kershawkrazy and I have over 58,000,000 Tokens now! I hardly sleep anymore, but I can eat with one hand and move the mouse with the other, so I shan't starve to death. You see, I MUST get to 60,000,000 Tokens by Aug. 31, 2007. I simply must!

I wasn't laid off. I confess that now too. I QUIT! So that I could spend every moment on Pogo, dominating, acquiring power and Tokens. And when I hit 60,000,000 Tokens I am going to cash them in. And you know what I'm getting? You don't. And you couldn't guess. At least not soon enough to alert the authorities.

Tell me what you think, but don't crush my spirit...

If I don't seem like myself in this post, it's because I'm not. You know how that goes...

I'm looking forward to being myself again soon, because of all the people I've ever been, I was me the best. Not everyone can say that.

For example, let's say that I was Bert Bananas right now... Sure, that's way cool an' all, but what would all that freakin' sun do my my sweet, tender, succulent skin? Did you know that 'skin,' qua skin, is an organ of the body? It's true! Try living without it.

Anyway, if I were Bert Bananas right now I'd for sure have a great time. I'd be up close and socially personable with that adorable T with whom I'd be playing golf. The thought of watching Big-T bending over and picking up his "ball" out of the "hole" and then replacing the "stick" is wildly exciting and I may be stuck to my chair if I don't get those images out of my head!!!

But no life is all skittles and beer. Yes, I know a life can be all beer, and maybe that's enough...

Anyway, as me, myself, I just don't have the time to do any regular posting here. Even those lame videos, which took me all of 11 seconds to prepare and post, were taking up too much time. Hey, 11 seconds is 11 seconds and when you're me! Even for the likes of all of you, I can't spare them right now.

But as Bert Bananas, I have all day and a portion of the night to create posts. And not just ordinary posts! No ma'am! Bert Bananas posts are both unintelligible and tasteless! That's the kind of two-fer that scares the crap out of people who care for you. Don't look away, mon petite shy amis! I know you love and adore me, just as much as I love and adore me! We are match made in Heaven. Can you hear how my French accent has overwhelmed me?

So I'm going to be trying my hand at Bert Banana'ing between now and Sept. 01, 2007. Oh, I may try other "voices" but the one I'll love bestest bestest will be my Bert Bananas voice.

See? I even fooled Blogger into thinking I am he!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

My valuable time is now yours (limited offer)

So, I have a couple minutes free today.

Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't be back until September, but I miss everyone.

So how is everyone feeling?

Please keep your answers brief.

Bert: I met a girl with a super weird made-up-sounding name the other day and I immediately thought of you. (Oh, and you too, Pistols - but for different reasons) Look for that post in couple weeks....

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

How's My Favourite Sith?

Katrocket will return in September with all new episodes of Rocketradio. Until then, Management will spin her favourite video clips during the month of August.

A collect call from Darth Vader - courtesy of Robot Chicken:

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Creepy Filipino Karate Midget Busts Some Moves

Katrocket will return in September with all new episodes of Rocketradio. Until then, Management will spin her favourite video clips during the month of August.

Don't ask. Just grab a glass of wine and enjoy some cheese:

the 1980s Karate Midget Superstar

More about Weng Weng

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Stay alive a little longer

Katrocket will return in September with all new episodes of Rocketradio. To calm the resulting panic and confusion, Management will spin her favourite video clips during the month of August.

We begin with an important lifesaving message from Health Canada:

Sleeves are the New Hands

We interrupt your regular programming...

dear Rocketradio listeners:

will return
in September.

Miss Rocket will be spending her days writing:

1) HTML code and e-commerce solutions for several websites
2) marketing plans for small businesses
3) a tell-all book of international romance and intrigue
4) steamy letters to selected handsome British actors (and Dale)
5) occasional blog posts as guest DJ on Willy of Oz

... and in recent weeks, this has left very little time to write this blog. The People have spoken, and it has become shamefully apparent to the Management that Miss Rocket's new production schedule is having adverse affects on the overall quality of Rocketradio content.

We sincerely apologize for not meeting your insatiable entertainment demands in recent posts. Miss Rocket is pretty much an 'All or Nothing' kinda gal, which means that for the next few weeks, her clients will benefit from her All, and you, dear listeners, will have to make due with Nothing.

Katrocket will return in September with all new episodes of Rocketradio. Until then, Management will spin her favourite video clips during the month of August.

Have a safe and happy summer!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Celine's Got Game!

Bonjour mes amis! It's Céline here, and you will not believe it! You may think it not possible to get bored of being worshipped on stage twice a day by my fabulous gay dancers, but my immense talents cannot be harnessed to just one tacky freakshow. Mais non! I am going to be a game show host this fall!

To celebrate my long time friend Julie Snyder's 40th birthday, I will guest host an episode of her TV game show inspired by "Deal or No Deal" called Le Banquier , (or The Banker for all you dirty Anglos). Julie is uh... en baiser... with Pierre Karl Pelédeau, the President and CEO of the giant TVA network in Québec, and she must be a fantastique girlfriend because he give her a TV game show last January. She already have jewels and cars and chateaux, so he run out of good ideas, I guess. Les Québecois love the game shows more than anything else except maybe eating cheese.

In this episode, I will play host, and my darling husband Rrrréné Angelil is "the Banker" and Julie will be the contestant!! Isn't that just crazy? Just like the big national banks in Canada, Réné is quite good at losing other people's money (mostly mine) while gambling, so of course he is the perfect choice to play the Banker! He also has this cute outfit (pictured here) that he sometimes wears when he play poker and also fun bedroom game we call "Deposit et Withdrawl", so I ask him to wear it for the taping, even though it will take much control to keeps my hands off his sexy body! Ooooh la la!

At the end of the show, we will donate all of the prize money to the Ste. Justine Hospital Foundation as well as the Fondation pour la Recherche de la Moelle Épinière, which is the Spinal Cord Research Foundation, for all you heathens who do not speak the French. This special episode is scheduled to air on TVA this fall. Stay tuned mes petits choux!

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Pistol cleaning

Sorry, I don't really have the energy to think of a witty post today, because I spent the regulated "creative portion" of my day cleaning up the House of Pistols at Dawn.

Junk everywhere, I tell ya.

And not the "junk" he usually talks about either.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Interwebbers want Bert's ass

According to my site statistics, someone's been Googling "Bert's ass" recently, and much to their delight and joy, Google directed them straight to Rocketradio, where talk of Bert's ass is served up on a regular basis. This very post could reach the coveted #1 Google spot when the next curious Googler is looking for Bert's ass! I bet this keyword is ranked even higher on T-Words blog, since T can't really stop talking about Bert's ass. I mean, he's actually seen it in person, so I'd certainly shout it out to the world, if I was that lucky.

July keyword activity - the Rocketradio Top 10

Google says these are the interests that bring the People closer to me:

1. katrocket
2. vote Zod 08
3. sasha von bon bon the scandelles
4. kitty neptune pics
5. humping a pillow
6. bert's ass
7. womens sandals which gays will wear
8. ann margret in baked beans
9. boobie cupcakes
10. mojito drink recipe

As most of you will already know, this site contains no photos or vital statistics of Bert's ass, only repeated requests (by me) to Mr. Bananas for photos and vital statistics of his ass. Sometimes I feel ashamed about the constant begging, but I think Bert enjoys the attention. It's all about the dance, isn't it, mon petit chou?

I'd also like to mention that I sorta ripped the idea for this post from Grant Miller Media. Mr. Miller has a superfun blog so you should check it out, even though he's apparently far too cool and popular to bother reading yours. Screw you Grant Miller, but oh, how I love your blog.