Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Yanksgiving / Idea of Progress Day

I'm just back for a minute to wish the Americans a Happy Thanksgiving.

Because I'll always make time to post a picture of Turkeyboy.

Today is also The Idea of Progress Day.

To celebrate my love for the Idea of Progress, I have posted this picture of a boy who is dressed up like a turkey and is also acting like a turkey.

Enjoy your holiday(s).

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I'm not dumping you. I just want to see other people.

Dear Leonesse,
I'm not dumping you for 30 seconds of lousy, so here's the note you requested.
I will be back - I'm just busy with work and a little burnt out on blogging, and I thought you all deserved more than a South Park clip for the next couple of weeks.
If there's any guest bloggers out there who are looking to pick up extra shifts before the holidays, send your application to

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Ten reasons why I'm taking a break

1. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now, but if I did, it would be with you.

2. I need some space.

3. It's not you, it's all about me.

4. I need to focus on my work right now.

5. You're holding me back from all the other lives I could be ruining.

6. I'm not worthy of you. I deserve better.

7. I'm seeing someone else.

8. You keep stealing from me.

9. I love you so much, it scares the hell out of me and my parole officer.

10. We just don't have much in common anymore. You're a morning person, and I am plotting my escape.

I hope we can still be friends.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I'm not your buddy, guy

This bit from South Park totally slays me. It helps if you understand that in Canada, everyone is either "buddy", "guy" or "friend".

This has been my favourite catchprase for the past couple of weeks. You should see the awesome look of hurt confusion on people's faces when you say "hey, I'm not your friend, buddy!"

QUANTUM OF SOLACE UPDATE: Due to an unforeseen scheduling conflict, I had to postpone my screening of the new 007 movie until the Sunday afternoon matinee tomorrow. I'm hoping there will be a lot less people in the theatre so I can writhe and moan and scream "YES! YES! YES!" without a police incident.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Another way to die

I'm so very excited to finally see Quantum of Solace tonight, after months of heavy breathing anticipation. Don't worry kids, I'm bringing a date who will keep me in line and make sure I don't pull a PeeWee Herman in the theater. This may involve pharmaceuticals and/or physical restraint.

Fuck yeah!

Monday, November 10, 2008


In case you were feeling all smug about having a better weekend than Katy Perry's furious boobs, guess again.

Not to be outdone by a couple of sour jubblies, her fun-lovin' box came out swingin' on Saturday night.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

PMS confessions

-- I ate almost half a box of crackers while watching Coronation Street and bawled my eyes out because Vera died and I have no idea how Jack is going to manage without her.

-- I also cried during Obama's victory speech on Tuesday night because I saw Oprah and Jesse Jackson crying first. Jerks.

-- I was a total cunt to a woman in line at the grocery store. She saw me heading for the cashier and raced me for position. She beat me to the line-up, but almost crashed her cart into me. She had an entire cart full of a week's worth of family groceries - I had just FOUR items, plus I'm juggling everything in one arm because my knee is all busted up, and I'm on crutches. I found this unusually rude behaviour, and gave her a dirty look. She said, "Sorry, but I'm late to pick up the kids from daycare and I really need to get out of here pronto ... I'm sure you understand.". To which I said: "Oh, I understand. I understand that you think your time is more valuable than mine, and that you take advantage of disabled people to meet your own selfish needs." She started to argue with me, but I cut her off and snapped at her: "Just shut up and pay for your stuff, bitch."

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

more shameless plugs

be sure to check out Fire That Agency! this week.

We pre-empted our programming for the U.S. election, but I'm back at it today, showcasing a series of graphically disturbing commercials that will burn a hole in whatever's left of your soul.

We've also got some hot Guv'ner action for you later in the week!

Sorry if you're sick of my shameless plugs, but if you'd just put us on your blogroll, you wouldn't have to put up with this crap.

My Post-election non-rant

Hello, and welcome to yet another post about the results of last night's election.

I'm quite pleased that Barack Obama is going to be the next U.S. President, as are most foreigners who could never really understand why you guys put Cletus in charge for the past 8 years. But I'm even more happy that all the campaign media coverage is over, and in the coming months, my favourite bloggers will find new and exciting non-political topics to discuss.

If you're one of millions of bloggers who have relied heavily on this election campaign for daily material, you may be feeling a little lost and uncertain about the future of your precious blog. Well, I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of alternative discussion topics to help ween you off the political rhetoric that may have fuelled you for past 22 months...

Katrocket's "Big Dozen" Post Topics

1. Go to YouTube, or Funny or Die, punch the word "hilarious" into the search engine and post the first clip that makes you LOL. This is a sure-fire winning post every time, and it involves almost no effort. If you've made a good video choice, people will automatically assume that YOU are a comedy genius, thanks to your mad skillz in video embeddening.

2. Because the whole world shares your unwavering fascination with your own traffic stats, make a list of all the wild n' wacky search terms that brought losers to your blog for a mere 3 seconds before they realized you were not the world authority on "filipino midget goatfuckers party hat" that they hoped you might be.

3. Tell us how you're planning to celebrate The Idea of Progress Day on November 26th. I already booked a banquet hall and a Whitesnake cover band months ago, but I realize most of you are not that organized, so a simple minute-by-minute account of your activities on Nov 26th will suffice.

4. Show off your sexy, desirable side with a series of posts about your ex-lover(s), and how you're so over them that you're strong enough to call out their myriad of shortcomings behind their back on the internet. Be sure to blab about every private aspect of your most intimate relationships, (especially the super embarrassing stuff!) and try to make it seem like your temporary lapse in judgment was not your fault, as you were likely the unfortunate victim of an elaborate ruse or extreme intoxication. I assure you, if done properly, no one will think you are bitter, needy, neurotic or unlovable.

5. It goes without saying that the blogosphere is an excellent forum for your humourous and/or endearing stories about your children and pets. If you don't have children or pets, weird and/or creepy co-workers and bosses make for an excellent substitute!

6. Pose as a celebrity guest blogger. Don't forget to post their photo and change your screen name - no one will even suspect it's really you!

7. Talk about all the crazy shit you did and/or funny shit you said at the bar last night. People really love that stuff, because it's not like we had to be there for it to make any sense.

8. Review something. It could be a movie, a concert or event, a book, a restaurant, or a disappointing bedroom performance (see # 4) - just make sure it's not an "imaginary review", because The Imaginary Reviewer has already cornered that niche market in the best way possible.

9. Talk smack about other bloggers. I LOVE a good blogger-on-blogger shakedown, even more so if there's accompanying photos of Bikini-Clad You vs. Other Blogger in a plastic kiddie pool filled with jello - even if you're a fat guy. Especially if you're a fat guy.

10. If hating isn't your scene, blogcrush posts can be just as entertaining! I get a huge kick out of knowing who would be your BFF or soulmate in a world without sanity or geographic borders. Remember that fun children's game - the one where you pass around a note that says "Are you in love with Billy?... check yes or no" and then the bitch who passed you the note shares your answer with everyone at school - including Billy? Yeah, those were good times. It's the internet equivalent of "high school cafeteria", without the terrible food and the Popular Kids Who Won't Let You Sit At Their Table.

11. Write a post about a commercial, billboard or print ad that you love to hate (or just plain love), e-mail it to, and find a new way to watch your stock rise to dizzying heights!

12. Or you can keep on writing about politics - because the mudslinging campaign ads may be gone, but The Great Big Mess still remains, and I look forward to reading your opinions during The Era of Change in America. I don't envy Barack Obama, because he inherited a very broken country and will face greater challenges than any president in recent memory. Americans voted for change, but it will be interesting to see if folks are actually willing to change themselves in order to achieve it.