Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Are single girls just too picky?

According to a recent poll from the Metro Daily, Women's Top Five Turnoffs are:
1. Body odour
2. Bad breath
3. Arrogance
4. Poor table manners
5. Overweight men

It was a complete surprise to discover I'm not as discerning as my single sisters. I mean, sure those things can be unpleasant, but overall, they're fully correctable with proper training and a small investment in personal hygiene products.

Katrocket's Top Five Turnoffs are:
1. Douchebags
2. Assholes
3. Cocksucking liars
4. Fucking idiots
5. Cunts

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Idea of Progress Day

The Idea of Progress has claimed this day, November 26, to be The Idea of Progress Day.

Though he's done a fine job of self-promotion, and has even offered suggestions on how you can make this the best The Idea of Progress Day ever, I regret that I cannot truly celebrate a holiday that does not allow me time off work. Unlike so many of you, I do need to drink to have a good time, or at the very least, I need to not be at work to have a good time, and my new employer has some serious hangups about such behaviour.

But I will do my best to pretend it's not actually just another fucking Monday in winter, because The Idea of Pissing Off The Idea of Progress has too many consequences. He looks like he could blow me up real good.

So I will celebrate the self-proclaimed holiday of this raging megalomaniac by:
1) getting up early to write a lame post about The Idea of Progress Day.
2) parting my hair on the opposite side
3) going commando
4) going to work and doing work
5) having a cocktail or two after going to work and doing work

Have a safe and happy celebration!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

Dear My American friends:

I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving today!

You may recall that I also wished you a happy Thanksgiving back on October 8th, when it really was Thanksgiving. I love that you can bend holidays with your powers!

And the way you stretched out Daylight Savings Time, -- so we were spared the depression from 5pm darkness for one more week -- that was really cool, too. Thanks!

I would also like to thank you for refining the art of holiday-themed dog costuming. You really know how to entertain me, and I will always love you for that.

I hope you have a terrific long weekend, and join me in support of Steakbellie's bid to become the King of Cranberries on Spike TV's MLE Chowdown - Thurs at 11am and again at 7pm. I never liked the Cranberrries. That elf lady's voice was annoying, and their music kinda sucked. But I think Steakbellie could totally turn them around.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick out something nice to wear for The Idea of Progress Day on Monday.

Love and respect,


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Triple Nasty

Twenty years of Big City Livin' has almost completely blinded me to the sights and sounds of utterly disgusting public behaviour. Who among us has not witnessed public urination or vomiting, crumpled condoms on the sidewalk, or homeless people making out behind a dumpster in a convenience store parking lot? Surely not I. But today I saw something a little grosser than usual.

On my way to the coffee shop this morning, I spotted a stout, middle-aged man walking towards me with his dog. He caught my eye because he was wearing an oversized grey Russian-style fur hat - a bold fashion choice to pair with his ill-fitting early 90's turquoise and fushia ski jacket.

He stopped on the sidewalk about 50 feet in front of me, and his dog began to assume the Defecation Position. I immediately thought "Oh God no. Please. Not on the sidewalk." But this was only the beginning of what would turn out to be a Triple Nasty:

STAGE ONE: The dog craps all over the sidewalk.

STAGE TWO: While the dog is bearing down, The Man In The Fur Hat summons every ounce of mucous and pleghm from his sinuses, making that horrible gargling/hacking noise that old people make when they're about to barf up a lung. He lifts a single index finger to the left side of his nose, applies firm pressure, and blows with all his might out the right nostril, launching a sizable snotwad at least 7 feet outward into traffic . It splats across the passenger door of a very unlucky blue Subaru. This pleases him immensely. He laughs and says something to the dog. The dog continues to shit, unabated.

STAGE THREE: The Man In The Fur Hat attempts to spit out the remainder of his gooey insides, but misses the sidewalk completely, and his huge goober lands on the dog's back. He reaches down and rubs the snotty spit into his dog's fur. This pleases the dog immensely. Either that, or he was basking in the afterglow of a fabulously feel-good dump. They trot off, leaving a steaming pile of joy for others to relish in the coming weeks.

When The Man In The Fur Hat and I finally pass each other, he gives me a wink and a smile, as if to say: "Yeah, I saw you checkin' me out, baby." I must have been hiding my look of sheer horror with the hand I was using to cover my mouth and suppress my gag reflex.

"Are you gonna clean that up?" I asked, pointing at the offending matter.

"No," he said. "Are you?"

I guess some fuckers just roll like that.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Tagged again: 8 Things

Originally uploaded by
I once said no mo' memes, but I was tagged by Competitive Eating Sensation Steakbellie to share 8 various Things with you, and I've got big plans to embed myself in his entourage when he's famous, so I'd rather not jeopardize a viable future of globetrotting sycophantasm.

8 passions in my life
Formula 1

8 things to do before I die:
Daniel Craig
Rob a bank and buy a ticket to an F1 race.
Travel to New Zealand and Australia.
Have my photos published in a popular magazine. Like Hustler.
Pay off my Visa.
Stop putting Baby in a corner.
Invade Holland (and take their stash).
Eliminate strollers on public transit. (Slogan: Got a fucking kid? Get a fucking car.)

8 things I often say
Get off me.
I'll have another.
Bitch, you're killing me.

8 Books I read recently
Canon EOS 350D instruction manual
"Fifth Business" by Robertson Davies
F1 Racing magazine - November issue
"Life of Pi" by Yann Martel
"Captains of Consciousness: Advertising and the Social Roots of the Consumer Culture" by Stuart Ewen

(okay, I'm a few short, but whatever.)

8 songs that mean something to me
"Creep" - Radiohead
"Funny How Love Is" - Fine Young Cannibals
"This Woman's Work" - Kate Bush
"The Sound of Violence" - Cassius
"My Friend" - Groove Armada
"The Rain Song" - Led Zeppelin
"Analyse" - Thom Yorke
"Spirit of Radio" - Rush (shut up, Pistols)

8 Qualities I look for in a friend
Sense of humour
Potty mouth
Cool hair

8 people who I'm passing this on to
Bitch, you're killing me.

Sexiest Man Alive?

Ok, I'll admit that Matt Damon is a slightly better than average looking man with mid-level acting skills and a touch of charm, but "Sexiest Man Alive"??

No dice, People. This guy is the Sexiest Man Alive.

What the hell is wrong with you, People? Are you now only choosing men who have appeared in the Ocean's movies?

Who's next? Bernie Mac? Elliot Gould? The kick-ass Asian acrobat guy?

Sorry, but I every single time I hear the name Matt Damon, I hear it with that Snarbucks accent from Team America.

Not very sexy:

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Action Satisfaction

Winter is in the air and I was feeling a bit depressed today.

At times like these, nothing cheers me up like Chuck Norris Action Karate Jeans. That "special hidden gusset" makes me wanna kick some ass right now.

Do YOU have The Action?

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Satisfy your partner with a bigger logo

A friend of mine sent me this mockumercial yesterday, and there's some good humour in the sad truth that lies beneath, so I'm posting this as a shout-out to my friends and lovers in the graphic arts industry.

So... to Mr. Radloff, Patrick, Steakbellie, Birdy, Cipri, Trixie, and all the designers out there, this product will definitely make your life easier:

Created by Agency Fusion: http://www.makemylogobiggercream.com/

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Making time for the important things in life

I haven't had much free time lately, but I'm really trying to make more time for the important things in life.

Like colouring this rocking horse for Dale.

Because I'm a giver.

Friday, November 2, 2007

How Would Jesus Drive?

I was taking a taxi across town this afternoon, rushing to an appointment, and we got stuck creeping along behind an elderly couple driving about 10 mph. They were either lost or asleep - plenty of "left-no! right-no-I-meant-left!" blinker action and sudden stops.

The cabbie was totally annoyed with the seniors. They had a Jesus fish, and a "What Would Jesus Do?" bumper sticker on the trunk of their car. Almost immediately after I noticed these decals, the cabbie lost his patience and started gesturing at them, honking the horn, and swearing in Arabic.

While I was laughing at his reaction from the back seat, he shouted:


And then I got to thinking: he was so right. The Jesus was really into keeping people away from Hell. But I'm pretty sure he would just pull over and look at a map.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

World Platform

Some of you are already hep to my secret life as a nationally renowned pornographer photographer. Well, if you're in the Niagara Falls area during the month of November, be sure to take time out of your busy honeymooning or stunt-barreling activities and check out World Platform at SMOKE GALLERY 4654 Queen Street, Niagara Falls ON Canada.

Saturday November 3rd - noon till late
The Smoke Gallery delivers World Music, Fine Art and Evening Video Screenings....

artists include:
The Beevers
Wayne Corlis
Lou Cerce
Beth Okonczak
Paul Thulin
Sarah Martin
Matt Vizbulis
Marinko Jareb
Dan Doucette