Friday, March 28, 2008

To-do list for Elisabeth Hasselbeck

1. Stop sparking dumbass arguments with people who are way smarter than you. This applies to every guest and all your co-hosts. No exceptions.

2. Stop interrupting your guests with your ridiculous right-wing opinions. No one is interested in the thoughts and feelings of a Survivor reject.

3. Stop baiting Whoopi with your ridiculous right-wing opinions. No one is interested in Whoopi either, but at least she had a career once.

4. Listen to Mama Walters when she tells you shut your gaping piehole.

5. "Die in a fire."

Buzz killer

Last night I went to couple of different social events and got home at 2am, wide awake, full buzz in effect, and still ready to party. This made it diificult to go to sleep right away, so I searched in vain for something entertaining to watch on TV. Nothing but 25 different infomercials and the movie Under Seige.

Steven Seagal can cure alcohol-induced insomnia.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Say Hello to the Future of Fine Art

Last month, we Said Hello to the Future of Science, with an in-depth look at elementary school science fair projects. Thanks to your positive feedback, Say Hello is now a monthly Rocketradio feature. Today we'll check out youth in the modern art market.

Picasso once said "Every child is an artist." I'd like to point out that he did not say "Every child is a great artist." Some of them are emotionally disturbed and downright creepy. One could argue that these are the kids who will actually make a living from their creative pursuits. Only time, and your tax dollars spent on pointless therapy, will tell.

The following images were culled from the Global Children's Art Gallery, which is actually a fun site to browse if you have some time on your hands. I think it's a great idea, and I'm blown away by the some of the artistic talent there. However, there's a awful lot of crap too, and I only reap joy from making fun of others (especially children), so if you'd like to see some good art, please visit the site on your own time. For those of you who prefer to point and laugh at younger generations, say hello to the future of fine art:

Click on images to enlarge

Jake's Garden by Jake L., age 1
California, USA
medium: fingerpaint
For a 1-year old, Jake has a great eye for form and texture, but falls short in his use of a dead medium: fingerpaint. Only babies use fingerpaint, Jake. Get your shit together.

Pickles the Clown by Gabrielle C., age 9
New Brunswick, Canada
medium: magic marker
"Pickles" has something very big going on in his pants. I hope it's something more innocent than it looks. Like an adult diaper.

Good Teeth by Aden R., age 7
British Columbia, Canada
medium: Microsoft Paint
Uh, those are NOT good teeth. Those are nasty British teeth. Dr. Scott is seriously screwing your parents' insurance company. Run and tell an adult!

Banana by Sean S., age 11
Wirral Merseyside, UK
medium: Microsoft Paint
This is the only image in the entire Gallery that has a commercial licencing request. You can see why. Because it's so fucking original. Listen you little thief: Warhol already pulled this crap back in 1966. Just because he got away with it, doesn't mean you can.

Cruising on the Beach by Safena R., age 5
Florida, USA
medium: Microsoft Paint
Wow, that's one helluva penis-ula. Call me old-fashioned, but I think Safena's a little young to be cruising any beach that's shaped like a giant cock.

My Dear Grandfather by Fransisca C., age 11
East Java, Indonesia
medium: acrylic
Fransisca C. is by far my favourite artist on this site. She's the only kid in the gallery who has mastered real artist's paints (no MS Paint bullshit for this girl), and her imagery is often dark and disturbing. I can only guess what her "dear grandfather" is up to here, but I suspect it's not good. As further proof, I offer up another example from Fransisca's portfolio...

Drawing Water From a Well by Fransisca C., age 11
East Java, Indonesia
medium: acrylic

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'm easy (to impress)

I love getting stuff in the mail that isn't bill-related (postcards from my friend Bill in Australia are the exception). So when I got some Manitoba Meatsweats shwag today, it really made my week.

Super Big Thanks to Steakbellie. Enjoy some Tuesday boobs, and some hot Journey action, courtesy of Meatsweats Nation.

Note to Eater X: Heeeey. How you doin'?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Reading between the lines, Part 2: Resumés

In the previous post, we examined the secret language of job postings and their hidden meanings, so I thought it was only fair to offer a look at resumés and cover letters, and how recruiters process that information.

Some of you dear readers have mentioned that you've had the joyous experience of hiring staff and screening job applications, and I, too, have shared your pain. The process can be long and arduous -- scanning hundreds of hopeful candidates, wading through an ocean of ridiculous spelling/grammar mistakes and cliché buzzword bullshit, praying you'll find The One before you scratch out your own eyes and jump from a window.

There are plenty of sites dedicated to stupid mistakes on job applications, but only Rocketradio has uncovered the secret language of resumés:

"I am calm and effective in crisis situations." : I take a lot of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I take pride in my work." : I am quick to blame others for my mistakes.

"friendly and personable": I enjoy giving unsolicited advice to my co-workers.

"outgoing" : I'm rarely at my desk.

"advanced computer skills" : I know MS Word!

"resourceful" : I steal office supplies.

"honest, hard-working, and dependable" : I rat on people who steal office supplies.

"I possess above-average communication and organizational skills" : I'm kinda bossy and I never shut the fuck up.

"proven talent in creative writing": I will be blogging during company time.

"highly adaptable" : I change jobs every 3 to 6 months.

"highly motivated to succeed" : I'm leaving this job as soon as I find a better one.

"socially conscious and active in the community" : I drink a lot.

"able to quickly identify problems" : I complain a lot.

"good listening skills" : I rarely have ideas of my own.

"charismatic" : I have no interest in anyone's opinion but my own.

"I am very professional" : I have a daytimer. I carry it in my briefcase.

"I have a professional attitude." : I'm a pompous dickhead.

"excellent presentation skills" (on a woman's CV): I show a lot of cleavage at business meetings.

"excellent presentation skills" (on a man's CV): I own two suits.

"aggressive, ambitious, self-starter" : I'm a total nightmare to work with, but I think I'm quite awesome.

"I excel in a team environment" : I don't pull my weight, but I'm really good at taking credit for stuff I didn't do.

"I work well with others" : I have been accused of sexual harrassment.

"I have a great sense of humour": I have been accused of sexual harrassment.

"demonstrated leadership qualities" : I'm a loud talker.

"excellent intuitive judgment" : I know when to disappear.

"effective time management skills" : I'm a clock watcher.

"detail-oriented" : I'm a nitpicker.

"strong interpersonal skills" : I'm the office gossip.

"willing to relocate": I am so tired of living in my car.

"willing to work overtime/flexible shifts" : Things are pretty miserable at home.

"available immediately" : I have been unemployed for months and I'm very desperate.

"thank you for your time and consideration in reviewing my CV" : If you hire me, I'll do anything you ask. Anything.

"I look forward to hearing from you." : I'm waiting for my form rejection letter.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Reading between the lines, Part 1: Job postings

I've been scanning plenty of job boards lately, and I've become fluent in the secret language that recruiters use to write their help wanted ads. Logic dictates that not all jobs can be good jobs, which means there's lots of terrible jobs that no one wants, and lots of desperate employers trying to fill those jobs by any means necessary.

Correct usage of the secret language is like Febreezing a room full of smokers. The stank is still there, but now your nose and throat stings like Morning Mist, so really, you can't smell anything anymore. Similarly, a well-written job posting can lure a wide range of intelligent, qualified candidates to any tragic workplace you can imagine, simply by masking the odour of their own incompetence with the sweet smell of fruity job prose. This is why it's so important to read between the lines.

Think about your job and your workplace. Now try to remember what the want ad for that job once said. Is it what you expected? Better or worse? Your comments will provide valuable research data on this subject.

In the meantime, to help you navigate the often deceptive world of career opportunities, here's a sampler of phrases used in job ads that you should be wary of.

"self-starter" or "self-motivated" : We're not going to train you, but we're going to expect you to know where everything is and how everything works here. Some mindreading ability would be good.

"fast-paced work environment" (this one's courtesy of Mr. Radloff): We're always in panic mode and there's never enough time to do your job right and people will always be yelling at you.

"a challenging and rewarding career" : There will be many many many challenges and one or two rewards bi-annually. I hope you like pizza parties!

"competitive salary" : We are able to remain competitive by paying you a low salary.

"salary commensurate with experience" : The lowest salary you will be granted after being duped into believing that your experience, however rich and overqualified, isn't up to our expectations.

"detail-oriented" : We have absolutely no quality control happening here, and no one has time to check their work, so you'll be taking the blame for that continuing to happen.

"some overtime may be required" : Some on each weeknight, and some on each weekend.

"must be a strong multi-tasker" : You'll be replacing 3 people who just quit.

"seeking career-minded person" : You better not have kids. Or a spouse. Or parents. Or friends. It would be best for us if you just had nothing going on in your life.

"other duties as assigned" or "assist teams with requests" : A bunch of lazy asshats are going to be bossing you around. See also: Psychotic Secretary

"deadline-oriented" : You'll be 3 months behind on your first day.

"looking for a dynamic individual" : We're looking for an ass-kissing autobot who will buy us all drinks after work.

"must be highly organized" : Your boss is highly disorganized.

"strong/excellent interpersonal skills" : You should be a consummate manipulator with a natural aptitude for back-stabbing.

"creative thinker" : We kinda suck at generating ideas, so we'll be taking yours. Please don't expect any recognition or additional compensation for your talent, which in no way must be allowed to exceed or overshadow that of your superiors.

"fast-growing company!" : The company is fast-growing rich at the expense of your fast-growing ulcer!

"enthusiastic team player" : You'll be doing everyone else's work, in addition to your own.

"commission plus bonus incentives" : You get to eat anything you kill yourself.

"generous benefit package" : Standard statuatory holidays and a first aid kit in the kitchen.

"progressive work environment" : You will hate this place more and more with each passing day.

Tune in tomorrow, when we'll present a fair and balanced look at the secret language of resumés and cover letters...

Friday, March 7, 2008

National Grab-An-Ass Day

This just in! The day is almost over and I only just discovered that it's National Grab-An-Ass Day, according to some lame group on Facebook (which I still hate, and broke up with ... but still hang out with because I'm a sucka).

Anyways, I have to cut this short because I'm totally behind in my ass-grabbing activities. You can join in the celebration of this special day by participating in the poll to your right.

OK, I gotsa go steal me some donkeys... Film at 11.

Tune in tomorrow for Rocketradio's up-to-the-minute coverage of National File-A-Lawsuit Day!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Bringing sexy back

The video below is a response to The Guv'ner's rant on Rod Stewart.

The Guv'ner is a woman of most discriminating taste.

I hope this is sexy enough for her.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Breaking up is not that hard to do... just need to say those three little words: "I've found Jesus!"

This was merely a working theory until 5 days ago, when a casual female acquaintance sought my advice regarding her burning desire to break up with her boyfriend of 7 weeks.

HER: It's not working out at all, but he's still a very nice guy, and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

ME: So just tell him that. Tell him he's a really nice guy, but you really prefer the excitement of shallow, dysfunctional relationships with assholes.

HER: I do not!!!!

ME: Okay then. Savour that self-delusion and just tell him "It's not you, it's me."

HER: No way. I can't possibly say that with a straight face.

ME: Tell him you're a lesbian. It's foolproof. Men LOVE that shit.

HER: Oh, c'mon, I'm soooo obviously NOT a lesbian.

ME: I can make you a lesbian in 10 minutes if you wanna drop by.

HER: (silence)

ME: (sigh) Okay...tell him you no longer have time for premarital sex due to your new responsibilities with the church. Then tell him you and your bible study group would really love to spend more time with him.


Lots of people get freaked out by sudden, inexplicable religious zealousy, so I guess she decided that this was a lie she could stand behind. She e-mailed me today to report that her new fake love for Christ inspired her (now ex-)boyfriend to drop her like she was not hot. I told her she was going straight to hell, so she might as well become a lesbian now, before she's struck down by lightning.

You know, I'm not even remotely interested in her. I'm just hoping that relentless sexual harrassment will lead to fewer annoying phone calls asking for break-up advice.