Thursday, January 10, 2008

Sit on my Facebook

I don't like Facebook.

Just like its evil twin, MySpace, it forced itself onto me using peer pressure:

"You're not on Facebook? OMG, are you sure you even exist?"

"You HAVE to get on Facebook. It's the only way to get invitations to my parties from now on."

"I posted some very incriminating photos of you at that party last night on Facebook, and the only way to remove them is by signing up for an account and deleting them yourself."

And also just like MySpace, the majority of its "friends" are 20 years younger than anyone I should be spending my time with. And when you design websites for a living, having a MySpace is like giving up your Blackberry in favour of Quantum Link. Yeah, that's C64 talk, kiddies - look it up.

So yeah, I've had a Facebook account for almost a year and I've weathered everything from Zombie bites to lame personality quizzes to nosy old high school folks who suddenly wanna be my friend - even though I wasn't cool enough to be their friend back in the 80s. Hey - in my defense, NO ONE was cool in the 80s. Except Patrick Swayze. I rest my case.

But then I would get sucked back in by the really sweet side of Facebook. Like all those times when I found lost friends that I actually DO like, and sharing in the lives of my loved ones who have moved across the globe. I'm rather grateful for those touching moments, so herein lies my dilemma:

For me personally, Facebook has turned into a terrible, dead-end relationship that I can't seem to leave, no matter how much of a fucking irritating bastard it has become. It's kinda like staying with an annoying boyfriend for one year too long because you really dig his friends and his family and his dog and his car. Just not him.

Oh, I won't deny it was fun and exciting at first. Invitations to great parties, hooking up with old flames, making fun of former prom queens who gained 100 lbs and 4 kids.... good times! But then the nagging messages started: "Add me!", "Remember me?!!!" , "What's your movie score?" "Do you like all the same things I like?" "Some person you barely know just bought you a Slippery Nipple!" ...and so on. And then my BFF, Mr. Spam Filter, almost choked on the massive amount of spammage that started to flow my way, thanks to all these nasty vermin-like "applications" that you get tricked into subscribing to. That's when I had to start thinking about a future without knowing everyone's "status".

So listen up, Facebook, you dirty social whore. I've talked to all my friends about you, and they all agree that I should just leave you - for good this time. You're good for nothing. You waste my valuable time. You haven't satisfied me in months, and you don't even have a fucking job. I don't need you, baby... in fact I never really did - I've got e-mail AND a phone. That's right, bitch - you heard me! A MOBILE PHONE that will tell me about all the fabulous parties WITHOUT 300 other people instantly knowing about it!

So goodbye and good riddance, Facebook.

Katrocket is..... leaving the building.

[clear status]


The Guv'ner said...

Yeah I'm still looking at mine and thinking "What the shit is this for?" I don't even acknowledge all the superpoking that people insist on giving me. If I want to get superpoked I'll go get a life, buddy, thanks!

Leonesse said...

I am only on myspace to get pics of the family. ONLY. It is lame and stupid. Stupid, I tell you.

katrocket said...

Guv; Oh, don't even get me started on the poking. I can't believe I didn't mention that in my post. It's my least favourite aspect of facebook. That, and the sheep throwing.

Leonesse: I understand your pain, because I'm on Facebook for similar reasons. It's okay. I absolve you.

pistols at dawn said...

Ha ha ha - perfectly stated, miss. Every now and then, I'll log on, check my Scrabble games, then think, "What the hell is this thing for again?"

If I didn't spend almost all my time with 21 year olds, I'd leave, too.

But quit hating on dudes without jobs. That band is going to take off, baby!

Bert Bananas said...

Independence is a heady drug. Congrats on taking back control. But please don't stop shaving your arm pits. There's a line...

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

God, I know exactly what you mean. Everyone has peer pressured me into myface and spacebook and now I can't log on without being forced to fight cancer through a new application or feel like a shit person because I don't want to add one more piece of b.s. to my page.

I just think there's a real us/them thing go on. The "us" are bloggers, people who know how to use words without :) :( to convey emotion, and "them" who need an f*ing ringtone to convey their every whim.


Chris said...

Yeah, I have a MySpace page. I got peer-pressured into it about a month, maybe six weeks ago. I've checked it maybe three times since then.

I just don't have the time.

Beth said...

I'm so glad I'm beyond the age where my contemporaries aren't rushing to MySpace or Facebook.

Dale said...

The reason I'd never use it is what if people found me? Ugh. I've been avoiding running into those losers for 20 years and counting.

Snooze said...

I like Facebook but I ignore all the vampire/zombie stuff. My only hatred of it is I have to go around de-tagging my name from ugly photos my 'friends' have posted of me. Please! People! If I wanted a heinous pic of me from high school posted to FB I would have posted it my self.

ArtieLange said...

This is Artie Lange's lawyer. You'll be receiving papers from me ordering you to cease all "My Face" references, which are the intellectual property of My Face Furniture,LLC.

Of course, I'd be willing to look past this indescretion for access to some of your sick, porn shoots. Mind you, I'd be going as part of an anthropological study I am conducting, and please pay no attention to the small bump and wet spot on my pants.