Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Idol Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

While researching the Thesbians post last week, it became immediately apparent that American Idol had more than enough men who look like old lesbians to earn their own post. I only watch the show during the auditions at the beginning of each season, when all the untalented, delusional superfreaks do their thing. I actually wish the whole season was just the horrible auditions, because that would entertain me way more than butchered Elton John songs ever could.

I have enlisted the help of a leading expert on the subject of Idol Men, Ms. Beckeye of The Pop Eye, along with my cousin, Big Boss, who is the Tour Manager for the top 12 winning contestants on Canadian Idol. Special thanks to both of them...

Note: Beckeye gave me a long list of contenders, too many to feature here, although I disqualified many of them for looking more like pretty gay men, not old lesbians. Examples: Constantine Maroulis, Ace Young, R.J. Helton, and Ejay Day.

Clay Aiken - way too easy.

Jason Castro - I'm posting this again because some of you are hot for this dude, and I sorta figure it might be a good recruiting ad.

Anthony Federov - If he didn't want to be on this list, he should not have worn the official uniform.

Justin Guarini - I'm on the fence about this guy, because it totally depends on the photo. I'm including him because I used to date a woman with hair like that. She shed too much, so I broke up with her.

Chris Sligh - Most likely waiting for a call from Judd Apatow.

Danny Noriega - Not a finalist, but DAMN. She's fierce!

Ryan Seacrest (host) - Will probably get dykier as he ages. Can't wait.

Ryan Malcolm (Canadian Idol winner, 2003) - He doesn't look like this anymore, because now he's a frontman for an "indie rock band", so he's sporting the hipster-doofus look. Their album, however, includes several songs about lesbians. Coincidence?

Kalan Porter (Canadian Idol winner, 2004) - Canadian tweens love a pretty Idol. I actually met this kid at a Big Boss BBQ, and he's a genuine sweetheart, so I'll go easy on him. He works hard to look like this, so I'm sure he'll be thrilled to make the list.

Billy Klippert (Canadian Idol - 3rd place, 2003) - If it wasn't for the beard, I would swear this is my friend, Deb.

Monday, April 28, 2008

A bit of Kimi love

Ok, I won't bore you with talk of Formula One. I'm obsessed, but very few people in North America share my interest. They tend to prefer fat redneck yahoos who drive around in circles. They call it "NASCAR". I call it "SHIT".

My favourite driver and team - Kimi Räikkönen and Ferrari - won the Spanish Grand Prix last weekend, putting them at Number 1 in both the Driver and Constructor Championships. Still 14 races in the season, but whatever. This makes me really happy.

So does looking at this photo:


That is all.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Now playing

The Photoshop Wars are over now, so it's safer than ever to check out The Provocation Grounds.

This week:

>> The Guv'ner is totally armed and dangerous and taking on Corporate America.

>> Doorknob Dan has been Hasseling the Hoff.

>> Sssh... Be wery quiet. I'm hunting wabbits.

I hear plumbers earn good coin

Today, Rocketstudio HQ was scheduled for an annual plumbing inspection. That's not a euphemism for anything. A plumber quite literally came into my apartment and turned on all the taps and checked for leaks and replaced the flapper thingy in the back of the toilet.

Every suite in the building is getting a little spring maintenance, so the management issued notices about it a couple days ago. Like any concerned modern hausfrau, I made sure I cleaned my bathroom before the plumber got here. I naturally assumed that the other residents would do this, too. You know, cuz otherwise it's just gross.

The plumber was really handsome and quite fit. It's the only time I've ever thought: "I would really like to see some more of that plumber's butt." Sadly, he was wearing overalls.

So while he was disassembling my toilet, he said: "Wow. This is the cleanest can I've seen all day."

I find that pretty hard to believe. My lavatory is definitely sparkling awesome, but c'mon, out of 250 suites, surely some tenants must have cleaned-up prior to their inspection.

Do you think he was coming on to me?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Satisfy her with your huge deck*

The weather is getting warmer, and the backyard party season is just around the corner. Soon you'll be inviting friends over for good times and a couple of beers on the deck.

But some of you guys out there might be concerned about the size of your deck. Maybe your wife spends most of the season complaining that it's not big enough.

Here's a helpful tip:

Try trimming the bush around your deck.

It will make your deck look bigger.

* this is ripped from Blue Collar TV. You can watch the skit here.

Warning: it's stupid. But really funny.


I just found an awesome blog called Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. Maybe you've heard of it, and if so, shame on you for not telling me about it.

I didn't think anyone had more blogs than Pistols and the Guv'ner, but this author (Keith) is the magnate of a vast blogging empire: People I No Longer Talk To, People From My Wedding I No Longer Speak With, and Famous People I Would Not Want To Use The Bathroom After, just to name a few.

I was quite excited to find this blog, because it reminds me of a favourite game of mine. For many years, me and my girlfriends have enjoyed playing "Thesbians" - where we watch some tabloid TV or flip through the gossip rags and point out which celebrities look like lesbians. Almost none of them are female. For the ladies, we have a game called "Tranny or fanny**?", but that's a post for another day.

** editor's note: "Fanny" is a British slang term for va-jay-jay.

Here's my shortlist of young men who look like young lesbians:

That guy from American Idol that Falwless wants to fuck.

Butterscotch Stallion
(dead ringer for
the World's Most
Famous Lesbian)

the Potter kid

Canadian Men Who Look Like Lesbians:

George Strombolopolous from "The Hour"

Steven and Chris (The Design Guys)

Corey Haim

the Prime Minister (the cat is a nice touch)

Monday, April 21, 2008

Gas is cheaper than you think

Over the weekend, several of my car-drivin' friends were bitching about the soaring prices at the gas pumps. They whined about how they are forced to spend $100/week to keep their big SUV on the road, and how the government should really step in and do something to ease their fiscal pain.

I have never owned a car. Sometimes I rent one when I need to take a road trip, but I live and work in a large city with a decent transit system, where a monthly transit pass is about $110.00, and you can claim those passes in your tax return every year and get a good amount of it back. I don't rely on a vehicle to get around, and therefore I can't relate to my friends' anger and anxiety.

I understand that a lot of folks live and work in a place where there's no transit and they absolutely need a car in their life, but I also believe that driving and owning a car is a privilege, not a right, and that people really oughta shut the fuck up if they can't manage the financial costs associated with that privilege.

So I offered my friends some badly needed perspective on gasoline prices, and pointed out that gas is actually much cheaper than they think it is, when you compare it to the prices of other nations:

Current average gas price in Canada: $1.23 CDN/litre or $4.60 US/gallon
Current average gas price in the U.S.: $ 3.50 US/gallon
Current average gas price in Europe: 1.45€/Liter = $2.30 CDN/Liter = $8.70 US/gallon

Be thankful you don't live in Europe.

I went one step further, and calculated how much we willingly spend on other liquid goods, without feeling any sense of outrage. You might be a little surprised at what you've been shelling out for:

prices are in CDN dollars, which today is almost par with the US dollar
($1 CDN = $0.99 USD)

a can of Coke (12 oz = $1.25) .... $13.87 per gallon

Diet Snapple (16 oz = $1.29) .... $10.32 per gallon

Evian water (9 oz = $1.49) .... $21.19 per gallon

Molson Canadian beer (12 oz bottle = $1.65) .... $17.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil (6 oz = $8.35) .... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol (4 oz = $3.85) .... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout/Liquid Paper (7 oz = $1.39) .... $25.42 per gallon

Scope mouthwash (1.5 oz = $0.99) .... $84.48 per gallon

and then there's THIS:

HP Inkjet Printer ink (17ml = $32.99) .... $7,343.69 per gallon


So the moral to this story is: suck it up, bitches. If you really need to drive your car everywhere, then you really need to keep the costs in perspective with the big picture, because when you think about all the soliders and civilians and vast acres of land that have died in order for you to drive your fucking SUV to the supermarket, then I say you're not paying nearly enough.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Picking fights with nerds

Against my better judgment, I recently joined The Provocation Grounds as a contributing blogger. I have never been a fan of group blogs, because invariably they consist of 1 or 2 really talented writers who post just once a month, and then you're stuck with another 15 weekend hacks writing stuff like "oh, I don't know what to write, but it's my turn to write today, so I guess I should write something! LOL! I'm crazy like that! LMAO!"

That's right, I'm lookin' at you, Burt Reynolds' Mustache.

But a good friend reminded me that I really should try things before I decide that I don't like it. This philosophy has certainly paid off in the past with sushi, recreational drugs and anal sex, so I thought I would give it a go. Of course, I really joined just to be closer to The Guv'ner, but don't tell Doorknob Dan, because he'll get all jealous and Photoshop me in disturbingly stupid ways to express his lonely feelings of anger and betrayal.

Anyways, today I'm picking fights with nerds at the Grounds, but only because I'm a coward and a technobully and they never fight back.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Katrocket's Top 10 Sexiest Patchelors

1. Phil Ken Sebben

2. Angelina Jolie

3. Archangel

4. Patch

5. Elle Driver

6. Number Two

7. Snake

8. Molotov Cocktease

9. General Chang


Friday, April 11, 2008

Handsome cats for Leonesse

Leonesse writes: "Please post soon so we don't have to look at that horse's ass [Tom Cruise] any longer."

She may be too busy to write in her own blog, but don't be fooled, people - she still has more than enough time to bitch about yours.

Leonesse has a thing for handsome cats, so here's some lion candy for ya, sweetheart. Apologies for any emotional distress caused by the previous post. Have a nice weekend!

Friday, April 4, 2008

It's Tool Time again

I read today that Tom Cruise is in full litigation mode again, upon learning that some medical marijuana club in California has named a strain of pot after him: Tom Cruise Purple.

From The New York Daily News: Cannabis clubs in Northern California are selling vials of pot featuring a picture of Cruise laughing hysterically. Like other followers of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, Cruise is opposed to the use of psychotropic drugs. One weed devotee said, "I heard it's the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate."

I think this is some very funny shit (the story, not the weed). I won't suggest that doobies are for everyone, but Tom Cruise should chill out with a J and come to realize what a fucking tool he is. I'll bet his Thetans are totally jonesin' (see photo, at right, and note the resemblance).

You'd have to be pretty fucking high to name your drugs after an anti-drug, sue-crazy, control-crazy, insane-crazy mutherfucker like Tom Cruise, and not expect some legal trouble. That's like naming your business "The Gene Simmons Kiss Army Surplus Store" and expecting to enjoy a peaceful, lawyer-free existence. It's not gonna happen.

(That's four bucks for the swear jar today. Worth every penny!)

Thursday, April 3, 2008

International Cussin' 101

I swear too much. There was a time when I had control over my potty mouth in professional situations, but now that I'm self-employed and I don't have any uptight co-workers to worry about, my colourful vocabulary sometimes creeps into a business conversation before my brain even realizes it's happened.

Catherinette Singleton has recently gone on a cussing diet, and her success story has inspired me to do the same. But I couldn't go cold turkey. I needed a placebo, and there's no skin patch for swearing cessation, so I tried the Homer Simpson Swear Jar approach.

Last week, I put a dollar into a jar everytime I said a bad word. But then I used that $186 to restock my liquor cabinet, which only helped me to see the awesome benefits of bad language, and encouraged me to cuss a lot more than usual.

But this week, I've stumbled upon a cleaner route to a sharper tongue: swearing in foreign languages. Twenty years of international travel, angry foreign lovers, and a multicultural posse have armed me with a vast vocabulary of highly offensive words in over 15 different languages. It's hard for folks to get offended about things they don't understand (the Christian Right exempted). Therefore, calling someone a "pizza" to their face sounds a lot more civil than calling them a cunt. And yet my brain is still able to register that same sweet feeling of satisfaction.

Normally I would offer a comprehensive list of exceptionally vulgar expletives and insults for the home and workplace right here on Rocketradio, but it's very powerful stuff and children might be reading (they come here for the porn). If you're interested in taking a free course, sign up in the comment section and I'll post a lesson if there's enough interest.