Yesterday was Poobomber's birthday. The Blogger Formerly Known as Doorknob Dan and Dopeypants turned 33 on Sunday. But I couldn't write this on Sunday because I refuse to worship any gods on Sundays, and if I had made an exception for Dan, then I'd be getting annoying text messages from all the other gods, saying shit like "Yo beeotch, what up? What's this guy got that I don't?" and then I'd have to explain it like this:
-- Poobomber isn't all arrogant like other gods. He doesn't use pretentious terms like "disciples", "lambs", or "Poobians" to describe his followers. He calls them exactly what they are: "Stalkers".
-- Poobomber knows CSS and HTML. I don't see Allah programming his own blog.
-- Poobomber is way funnier than Buddha, and I have it on pretty good authority that Buddha totally rocked An Evening At The Improv last month. But seeing as Poob was a writer for SNL, AND a Catholic priest, I'll have to see them go head-to-head on The Root of All Evil before I decide for sure.
-- Although George W. Bush does frequently e-mail Jesus, he saves his raunchiest stories for Poobomber, because even the President admits that "there's just some thangs that the Big J is reely uptite about."
-- Poobomber was a viking, and although Charles Taze Russell obviously stole Poobomber's "door-to-door" methodology for his own Jehovah's Witnesses, he never experienced the same level of success, thanks to his refusal to burn people's houses down and steal all their stuff. You can't just threaten people with pestilence and famine. Follow-through is the key to saving souls.
-- When certain gods (who shall remain anonymous) insisted that non-believers be locked in an iron maiden until they could make room for religion, Poobomber was a member of Iron Maiden.
-- Most dieties don't offer entertaining Top Ten lists, such as Things Not To Say, or Fun Things to Do With a Cadaver. I know some of you might be thinking "what about that Moses guy and his Top Ten Commandments?", but please note that I said "entertaining".
So in closing, I'd like to apologise to Poobomber for being a day late, but I hope he understands that I was just trying to keep it real with my friends in high(er) places. I'm not really worried about going to Hell for writing this post, since I'm convinced we're already living it here on Earth, but I'm sure if there was a Hell, it would be a lot like The Other Side of Normal, and Sarah Palin would be my waitress.
Happy Birthday, you fucking weirdo.