Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Operation: F#ck this Sh!t

Since news of the bailout rejection resulted in a collapse of the stock market yesterday, I have received countless requests for safe harbour from my beloved American readers. I should warn all of you that moving to Canada is not going to solve all of your problems, probably just the ones that involve not having health insurance, or a job, or an affordable education, or a place to live, or stuff to eat. And even those privileges are pretty sketchy - one in six Canadians live in poverty, so the odds are somewhat stacked against you.

You see, the reckless actions of the U.S. government has deeply affected Canada, too, not to mention ALL THE OTHER FUCKING COUNTRIES ON THE PLANET. We might do okay in the long term - thanks for asking. But this is only because Canadian banks have rather strict rules about lending money to people who don't have jobs or any reasonable means of paying back a loan. I know that sounds harsh, but what can I say? We totally hate Freedom.

So instead of laughing at Americans for electing a ridiculously irresponsible government twice, I have decided to open my home, and indeed my heart, to my disenchanted brothers and sisters seeking political and economic relief in Canada. Operation: F#ck This Sh!t is a contest designed to offer sanctuary, better beer, and a fulfilling sense of self-righteousness to eligible Americans who have been teasing Canada with their imminent arrival over the past eight years.

Emigration is a very serious commitment. Although our cultures are quite similar, I think it's only fair to point out a few reasons why moving to Canada may not be the answer for everyone:

1. It's about to get really fucking cold.
2. You can't bring your gun(s).
3. Contrary to popular belief, nothing is "free" here (i.e. - healthcare, education, social services). You will be taxed up the wazoo for everything you eat, drink, earn, buy, sell, and drive.
4. You will have to learn the metric system.
5. You will be required, on occasion, to mingle with the Quebecois.
6. You must submit to voluntary re-education on the rules of football.
7. Your spelling may suddenly be deemed as incorrect.
8. Almost all of our bands/musical artists suck, and non-Canadians will hold you personally responsible for this.
9. If you like politics, you'll be bored out of your mind.
10. You may be decapitated on a bus.

If these reasons have not dissuaded you, and you still believe that Canada is the right place for you, a limited number of vacancies will be made available to the most entertaining and compatible applicants. Just leave a comment stating why you're the best choice for Rocketresidency, or if it's really salacious (yay!) - send a private e-mail to iwannalive@katrocket.com. Yes, that is a real e-mail address. Sadly, there isn't room for everyone, so make your entry count. Winner(s) will be announced in a future post.

Update: This contest is open to fellow Canadians who are looking for a warmer winter in a cooler city.

The Fine Print: Must be 18+ to enter. Canadian passport and toque not included. No children, pets, or nanas allowed. Spouses will be considered if they are cool/good-looking /enjoy doing housework. Smokers, potheads, and social drinkers are welcome. Immigration Canada requires that all immigrants to Canada must be able to drive a taxi, even if they are capable of doing way cooler things, like brain surgery or quantum physics. Preference will be given to applicants who put out. This is not a real contest, so you should probably vote for Obama.


Poobomber said...

If we're already Canadian, does this mean we're excluded?

If so, how about a secondary operation called, "Fuck Winnipeg Right in the Ass"?

I could sure use a change of scenery from this frigidassed city this winter.

katrocket said...

I've felt the Winter'Peg Death Grip before, and I'm completely sympathetic to your needs - you're eligible! I'll update the rules for ya.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Hi! I'm the Imaginary Reviewer and I recently emigrated to Canada, so I'd like to endorse Katrocket's competition!

It's great here. There's hot and cold running mounties, luxurious and spacious claims to the Arctic and a William Shatner anecdote for every resident. Oh, and please: try the beaver tails!

BeckEye said...

"You will have to learn the metric system."

I don't think that's true. I've lived in America for 35 years and I still couldn't tell you how many feet are in a mile or whatever.

TWSB said...

The metric system?? I'm out.

Gwen said...

My spelling? Dear God, don't take my spelling.

Also, I can't actually live in the country that spawned Rush. I just got hives thinking about it.

Leonesse said...

Hey, they aren't getting my room, are they?

ginger b said...

Wow. I've never heard anyone make Canada sounds so unappealing. You've really crushed a dream of mine.

SkylersDad said...

Dear Katrocket, I was poised over my keyboard getting ready to submit my application in triplicate (which is damn hard over the Internets, let me tell ya)when the phone rang. My beloved government, who was obviously monitoring my keystrokes, promised me if I stay, the next time the fuck me in the ass I get a reach-around.

And who can pass up that offer?

So, thanks anyway...

Cap'n Ergo "XL+1" Jinglebollocks said...

I was doing just fine with th' list of requirements (I spell things with a "u" all the time, like "colour") but that whole Metric System Quebecians pulled me up short. I'm still getting o'er the loss of glass pint bottles and the change to 2 litres from some 20 years back.

But then again, I've been to Niagra Falls, Toronto and the Shaw and Shakespeare Festivals and THAT was very, VERY grand, so I dunno... I might have to fire up MS Word and put something coherent together for this contest.

Mathdude said...

Wow, every one of your reasons to not come are reason enough. I do know how cold it is up there as well. My memories of mid-May snow showers in upstate NY are enough to scare me off. BTW, Asheville, NC has the greatest weather in the world.

Dolce said...

I raise my hand to hating politics, but I can't suffer through summers of only 65 degrees F. I don't even know what that would be celius. I think I would be scared with such a small number.

pistols at dawn said...

Does Canada need any extra caustic wit? Because none of my former bosses will ever write me a recommendation, except to recommend that I not come around the job site anymore or they'll kick my ass.

Chris said...

In all seriousness, when Bush and company stole the last election (thanks Ohio) Dagmar and I looked at moving to Canada for a while. We both love America, but we live in one of the most conservative sections of the U.S. and are at times actually afraid of telling people our views on social issues, and the economic and artistic situation in western Iowa has been stifled for decades.

It turns out Canada requires you have over $300,000 in the bank AND a job in hand before they'll let you emigrate. Or immigrate. Whichever. Needless to say, if we had money in the bank we wouldn't have been wanting to move to Kitchener, Ontario (which is actually a little south of Sioux City, I think). Dagmar has relatives there that would have housed us.

This is awfully brave talk for a guy who still lives half an hour from Mommy and Daddy and has rarely left Iowa, ain't it. But geeze, I get so fed up with the narrow-mindedness and cruelty around here sometimes! Seems, though, that the best way to deal with it is to stay here and try to change things rather than tuck tail and run...

Bluzlover said...

Let's see...long cold winters, high taxes on everything and new spelling and math skills, cool! It sounds like a fair trade for a chance to step into the world of the Kat. I am house-trained.

katrocket said...

KEEP EM COMING KIDS! I've received some excellent submissions to share with you next week...

Imaginary Reviewer: Thanks for your thumbs-up New Canadian review, especially the mention of beaver tails - how could I have missed that??? We are thrilled to have you here among us.

BeckEye: Ok, you got me. The only thing you really need to know is inches.

Chardsy: but what about the MOUNTIES? Well worth converting!

Gwen: it's cool. Rush is a common turn-off.

Leonesse: Uh... actually, yes. But I'm renting it out because you're never here! You'll always have "shotgun" for the spare room.

Skyler's dad: I understand. Must be nice! My gov't only shows interest in me when it needs money.

Ginger B: soon I'll write about Canada's sexy side and you'll fall in love all over again!

Cap'n E.C.J: I can't believe you were here and we didn't go drinking. WTF? Come back!

Mathdude: but aren't there ghosts in your high schools? That's a chill you can't fix with a cardigan.

Dolce: welcome! Well 65F is 18C, which is more of a spring or fall temp. Unless you live in the arctic, it gets really hot here in the summer (85F to 110F)! It depends on where you live in Canada, but in Toronto, we have the pretty much the same weather as NYC or Chicago.

Pistols: Poob, IR, Guv, etc. are holding down the nationwide caustic wit fort, but Rocketstudio is willing to take a chance on a young(ish) man with no discernable talent and a love for snacks.

Chris: I wish your story had a happier ending - Kitchener is fab, and I would have adopted you, too.

Bluzlover: I can overlook the math and spelling requirements - house training works in your favour!

steakbellie said...

I'm glad that I'm not the only one balking at the Metric System requirement. I feel so stoopid when I have no idea how much drugs the dealer is giving me.

I come with alot of bagage. The wife, the kids, the dogs, the lizards, the whole competitive eating thing. Is there an option where I live here, but under Canadian rules or something.

Can telecommuting or arm wreslting somehow help me here????

I'm very afraid....

James said...

I suppose I could live with the metric system if I could get that fine killer bud.