Since news of the bailout rejection resulted in a collapse of the stock market yesterday, I have received countless requests for safe harbour from my beloved American readers. I should warn all of you that moving to Canada is not going to solve all of your problems, probably just the ones that involve not having health insurance, or a job, or an affordable education, or a place to live, or stuff to eat. And even those privileges are pretty sketchy - one in six Canadians live in poverty, so the odds are somewhat stacked against you.
You see, the reckless actions of the U.S. government has deeply affected Canada, too, not to mention ALL THE OTHER FUCKING COUNTRIES ON THE PLANET. We might do okay in the long term - thanks for asking. But this is only because Canadian banks have rather strict rules about lending money to people who don't have jobs or any reasonable means of paying back a loan. I know that sounds harsh, but what can I say? We totally hate Freedom.
So instead of laughing at Americans for electing a ridiculously irresponsible government twice, I have decided to open my home, and indeed my heart, to my disenchanted brothers and sisters seeking political and economic relief in Canada. Operation: F#ck This Sh!t is a contest designed to offer sanctuary, better beer, and a fulfilling sense of self-righteousness to eligible Americans who have been teasing Canada with their imminent arrival over the past eight years.
Emigration is a very serious commitment. Although our cultures are quite similar, I think it's only fair to point out a few reasons why moving to Canada may not be the answer for everyone:
1. It's about to get really fucking cold.
2. You can't bring your gun(s).
3. Contrary to popular belief, nothing is "free" here (i.e. - healthcare, education, social services). You will be taxed up the wazoo for everything you eat, drink, earn, buy, sell, and drive.
4. You will have to learn the metric system.
5. You will be required, on occasion, to mingle with the Quebecois.
6. You must submit to voluntary re-education on the rules of football.
7. Your spelling may suddenly be deemed as incorrect.
8. Almost all of our bands/musical artists suck, and non-Canadians will hold you personally responsible for this.
9. If you like politics, you'll be bored out of your mind.
10. You may be decapitated on a bus.
If these reasons have not dissuaded you, and you still believe that Canada is the right place for you, a limited number of vacancies will be made available to the most entertaining and compatible applicants. Just leave a comment stating why you're the best choice for Rocketresidency, or if it's really salacious (yay!) - send a private e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. Yes, that is a real e-mail address. Sadly, there isn't room for everyone, so make your entry count. Winner(s) will be announced in a future post.
Update: This contest is open to fellow Canadians who are looking for a warmer winter in a cooler city.
The Fine Print: Must be 18+ to enter. Canadian passport and toque not included. No children, pets, or nanas allowed. Spouses will be considered if they are cool/good-looking /enjoy doing housework. Smokers, potheads, and social drinkers are welcome. Immigration Canada requires that all immigrants to Canada must be able to drive a taxi, even if they are capable of doing way cooler things, like brain surgery or quantum physics. Preference will be given to applicants who put out. This is not a real contest, so you should probably vote for Obama.