Thursday, December 4, 2008

Setting Free the Bears

While choosing my nominees for the 2008 Drysdale Awards at Grant Miller Media, I couldn't help but notice this banner ad for 100% free Gay Bear Dating in the sidebar.

I was all "no way!" - and not just because Mr. Miller is a dangerously straight man living a peaceful, bear-free existence with his loving wife and children. My problem with the ad is the man in the photo, and his obvious lack of qualifications to be cast in the role of gay bear. But what do I know? I'm not qualified to make a final judgment on the matter, so I called in someone who is.

I scheduled an urgent conference with Rocketradio's Senior Gay Bear Dating Correspondent, Crystal Visions. Ms. Visions is a professional Stevie Nicks impersonator, an avid Gay Bear Dater since 1992, and a rather formidable grizzly herself.

Kat: Does this guy look like a gay bear to you?

Crystal: That's Edward Norton.

Kat: I see where you're coming from, but it's not Ed Norton.

Crystal: Sure it is! Fake smile, poofy hair, big ol' va-jay-jay on his face...

Kat: It's not him. Edward Norton is thinner and douchier. But I'm wondering, as an expert dater of bears, does this model accurately represent your ideal?

Crystal: Well, "ideal" is so subjective. He's a good looking man for sure, but I like 'em meatier and bushier myself. I'd have to see his body... naked.... ooooh maybe he's pear shaped? Or maybe he's got a sexy Buddha belly...

Kat: Please stop touching yourself. I don't know... I'm not convinced that he's hairy enough. I mean, shouldn't he look more like this? (see photo at left)

Crystal: OMG check out that bling. Looks like Sally just robbed a church, eh?! What's it to you anyways? I mean, why are you blogging about stupid ads on some other guy's blog?

Kat: Because Grant Miller paid for my breast implants on the condition that I blog about Grant Miller Media at least once a month.

Crystal: You're out of stuff to write about, aren't you?

Kat: (long pause) .... Yes.

Crystal: Is Grant Miller a gay bear? I might be interested...

Kat: No, he's a polar bear - the total opposite of a bear. Straight, married, kids... I've only seen one photo of him, but he's thin and clean shaven.

Crystal: But he has an ad on his blog for a gay bear dating site?

Kat: Yes.

Crystal: Honey, those are the gayest bear daters of all.


The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Yeah, great post! That totally is Ed Norton, too.

SkylersDad said...

Geeez Kat, posts like this so full of good stuff just make me want to give up, close up the shop and sit under my desk in the fetal position.

Nicely done!

pistols at dawn said...

Ha ha! Brilliant. And that's totally the offspring of Ed Norton and Ricky Gervais.

Also, he likes them chubby and hairy? Looks like my dating life's about to pick up. Or pretend to need to pick something up...

Gwen said...

Grant pays for implants? Hang on, I have to go update my blogroll and do some commenting. BRB.

The Guv'ner said...

HAHAHA ED NORTON! And thank you. Ed Norton IS a douche. I want to punch him repeatedly till he spits teeth.

To qualify as a gay bear I'm pretty sure there's a clause that states you must:

a) wear lumberjack jackets
b) be burly
c) pout
d) look like a mountain man and a truck driver mated

When I left my job a few years ago I signed my ex boss up for some rather excellent gay bear spanking porn as a going away gift. I'm sure he loved it. He's probably still in therapy.

Jon said...

I learn so much from your blog. Thank you.

SouthernBelle said...

"Honey, those are the gayest bear daters of all."

She is a genius.

Dr Zibbs said...

Hahahaha. Good one.

Dale said...

Will Grant pay for calf implants so I can worry no more about my chicken legs? If so, I'll totally say he's not gay regularly!

BeckEye said...

I would go see Crystal Visions perform, just so I could sing, "Well here I go again I see the Crystal Visions" over and over on the way there.

She is brilliant like a white witch. That guy IS totally Ed Norton. It's kind of like this dating site they always hawk on Facebook and the picture of the "eligible guy" they use is James Franco. And not just a guy who looks like James Franco. IT IS. I keep meaning to get a screen shot of that.