While choosing my nominees for the 2008 Drysdale Awards at Grant Miller Media, I couldn't help but notice this banner ad for 100% free Gay Bear Dating in the sidebar.
I was all "no way!" - and not just because Mr. Miller is a dangerously straight man living a peaceful, bear-free existence with his loving wife and children. My problem with the ad is the man in the photo, and his obvious lack of qualifications to be cast in the role of gay bear. But what do I know? I'm not qualified to make a final judgment on the matter, so I called in someone who is.
I scheduled an urgent conference with Rocketradio's Senior Gay Bear Dating Correspondent, Crystal Visions. Ms. Visions is a professional Stevie Nicks impersonator, an avid Gay Bear Dater since 1992, and a rather formidable grizzly herself.
Kat: Does this guy look like a gay bear to you?
Crystal: That's Edward Norton.
Kat: I see where you're coming from, but it's not Ed Norton.
Crystal: Sure it is! Fake smile, poofy hair, big ol' va-jay-jay on his face...
Kat: It's not him. Edward Norton is thinner and douchier. But I'm wondering, as an expert dater of bears, does this model accurately represent your ideal?
Crystal: Well, "ideal" is so subjective. He's a good looking man for sure, but I like 'em meatier and bushier myself. I'd have to see his body... naked.... ooooh maybe he's pear shaped? Or maybe he's got a sexy Buddha belly...
Kat: Please stop touching yourself. I don't know... I'm not convinced that he's hairy enough. I mean, shouldn't he look more like this? (see photo at left)
Crystal: OMG check out that bling. Looks like Sally just robbed a church, eh?! What's it to you anyways? I mean, why are you blogging about stupid ads on some other guy's blog?
Kat: Because Grant Miller paid for my breast implants on the condition that I blog about Grant Miller Media at least once a month.
Crystal: You're out of stuff to write about, aren't you?
Kat: (long pause) .... Yes.
Crystal: Is Grant Miller a gay bear? I might be interested...
Kat: No, he's a polar bear - the total opposite of a bear. Straight, married, kids... I've only seen one photo of him, but he's thin and clean shaven.
Crystal: But he has an ad on his blog for a gay bear dating site?
Crystal: Honey, those are the gayest bear daters of all.